Greetings fellow Bizarros:

I stole the most interesting book off of TZ’s desk this
morning. It’s entitled ‘Post Secret’ and was compiled by
a guy named Frank Warren. A couple years ago he printed
up a few thousand post cards asking people for anonymous
confessions on any topic they wanted to write about. He
handed them out in subway stations and left them in public
places for people to pick up. After receiving thousands of
responses he finally compiled his book which I am going to
steal from right now. Some of these are pretty interesting,
although I don’t know how honest some of these people are:

“I want to be kidnapped, stripped naked, then bound
in clear wrap to a signpost in the middle of down-
town…and no one can set me free.”

“When I was a young teenager I used to babysit my
next door neighbors son. When he was asleep I
would go into their bedroom and go through their
bedside drawers. I found a packet of condoms. I
put a pin through the middle of each of them, and
thus ensured myself another five years of baby-
sitting.”

“When I was 7 I hid under my parents’ bed so I
could see what my dad’s penis looked like after
his morning shower.”

“I put lost socks to good use…I masturbate into
them.”

“I stay in a job I hate because I know I won’t
pass a drug screening anywhere else. And I do
drugs because I hate my job.”

“I used to get high and watch Lawrence Welk.”

“I always wait a few days before returning e-mails
from my friends because I don’t want them to think
I have nothing better to do.”

“I used to think the rhythm was gonna get me.”

“He wasn’t cheating on you. But since you chose to
blame me anyway…he will be.”

If you’re thinking about sending me your secret confessions
feel free. Just know they won’t be anonymous!

Bizarrely,

Lewis

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+—————— Bizarre Town Names ——————-+

Horneytown, North Carolina

Whynot, North Carolina

Hicksville, Ohio

Knockemstiff, Ohio

Slaughterville, Oklahoma

Idiotville, Oregon

Virginville, Pennsylvania

Sweet Lips, Tennessee

Ding Dong, Texas

Looneyville, Texas

Butts, Virginia

Imalone, Wisconsin

Toad Suck, Texas

Intercourse, Pennsylvania

Unalaska, Alaska

French Lick, Indiana

***

———– About 250,000 bees removed from home ————

MIAMI – A suburban Miami woman said a bee removal special-
ist destroyed about 250,000 bees inside the walls of her
home. Mary Olarte of Miami Shores said she was not concern-
ed when dead bees began appearing outside of her house but
she was shocked when a contractor discovered three thriving
hives within the walls of her home, the Miami Herald report-
ed Thursday. Willie Sklaroff, proprietor of bee removal
service Willie the Bee Man, said all of the bees were
destroyed Tuesday due to fears they may have been African-
ized honeybees, also known as killer bees. However,
analysis of the bees after they were killed with pesticides
indicates they were not Africanized, the Herald reported.
Olarte said she collected more than 100 pounds of honey
and wax from the now-vacated hives in her walls. “I have
lots of friends,” she said, and “everyone wants to try
some.”

——— Manager loses job over wife’s profession ———

FORT MYERS BEACH, Fla. – A Florida town fired its manager
after learning the woman he married less than a year ago
was an adult video actress, officials say. The town council
of Fort Myers Beach voted unanimously to terminate the
contract of manager Scott Janke, 55, and then held a meet-
ing Wednesday night to explain the move to residents, the
Fort Myers (Fla.) New-Press reports. “I’m very puzzled
about the need for emergency action since our manager has
been married since October,” said resident Pat Smith. “What
I don’t also understand is why it matters so much what the
spouse is doing so long as it’s legal.” Janke’s wife, who
acts under the screen name Jazelle Moore, refers to herself
as a “priestess of the erotic arts” on her Web site. The
town council says her profession brings an inappropriate
and negative image to a place that prides itself on being
family-friendly.

——– Stolen trailers contained $70,000 in beer ———

TAMPA, Fla. – Authorities in Florida said thieves stole two
tractor trailers loaded with approximately $70,000 worth of
beer. Investigators said employees of K&N Trucking in Tampa
discovered the trucks missing at about 7 a.m. Tuesday, the
St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported Thursday. One of the
trailers contained 1,260 six-packs of Corona Extra while
the other carried 990 six packs of the brand as well as 990
cases of Modelo Especial. The cabs of the trucks were found
abandoned at about 5 p.m. Tuesday in a vacant lot. The
thieves, the trailer and the beer remained missing, police
said.

———- Young love rekindled after 85 years ———–

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, Ill. – A 93-year-old Illinois man says
he is marrying his third-grade sweetheart after 85 years
apart. Roland “Mac” McKitrick, 93, of Arlington Heights,
proposed to Lorraine Beatty, 92, of Georgia, Tuesday,
about three years after they reconnected following an 85-
year interruption in their friendship, the Arlington
Heights Daily Herald reported. “She was my third-grade
sweetheart back in 1921,” McKitrick said. “We knew each
other for about one year. Then, for all practical purposes,
we lost contact for 85 years.” But McKitrick said both he
and Beatty had brothers living in Connecticut who became
friends, and the two reunited through their brothers. “I
still picture her as my third-grade sweetheart. I’ve
carried that in the back of my mind since that time,”
McKitrick said. He said he still has a photograph of him-
self with Beatty taken when they were children. “That
snapshot stayed in my memory,” he said, “and her face
stayed in my memory.”

————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Hey Lewis. Now I know some Bizarre News stories are made
up: “A man allegedly met his match after a tackle by a
professional Canadian football player”. Like we’re supposed
to believe Canada has professional football players!
- Andrew
[You take that back, hoser!]

Regarding the cheese sculpture of astronaut Neil Armstrong:
Was it by any chance made of green cheese? If so, NASA
may be missing some of their lunar samples.
- Ed

My wife has an interesting theory that Earth was settled
by aliens from another planet or universe. Reading the
papers and watching TV I tend to agree with her, that we
are the descended of an alien race that “Planted” us here.
My only problem with this theory is I can’t decide if we
were marooned here because we were incurable criminals or
incurably insane.
- John
[Don't stress yourself out. Both of your theories are
probably true.]

Every time I read the paper or similar articles in your
newsletter, I wonder Who sits in the think tank and dreams
up all of these charges that have become law. Pretty soon,
you won’t be able to exhale or fart unless you take a
chance on being arrested. The legal system and their
cronies must dream up charges to inflate their bank
accounts.
- Jim
[Hey, that "exhale or fart" thing is not on the table yet,
is it?]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————