Bizarre News

I’ll Give You Something to Cry About!

editor — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 09:01:22 +0000

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

I could understand goth clubs. I could understand gay
clubs and bondage clubs. I could even understand swinging
clubs, but what I do not understand are crying clubs.

In some circles this has actually become hip and popular.
It’s called ‘Emo’ for emotional and the whole idea is to
express your darker, more depressed emotions. And now
there are clubs where you can go to commiserate and cry
with other Emos.

Against a backdrop of crashing choral music and candle-
light, a group of elaborately costumed young women are
dabbing their eyes with a handkerchief, their mascara
running to form black rivulets down their cheeks. It is
not difficult to see why they are so distressed: in front
of them, a mound of pungent onions is being vigorously and
elaborately chopped by a serious-looking young man in a
tailcoat, and the fumes are overwhelming.

But then that’s precisely the point. The 300 or so 20 and
30-somethings in the crowd at this candlelit 17th-century
wine vault, tucked away off a busy London thoroughfare, are
here to do just that.

Billed as ‘an evening of exquisite misery’, this is where
clubbers can go to indulge their inner gloom. The onions
are there to help them along a bit, should they struggle
to shed their British reserve.

The club, called ‘Loss’ is one of a new breed of crying
clubs to arrive in the UK from Japan, where tears have
become something of an industry in recent years.

Crying in public has even caught on in the United States,
too. Although no U.S. entrepreneurs have opened any clubs
yet.

Of course, if you actually have a life you don’t need to
invent excuses or create venues to cry in. A second
mortgage, one kid in college and two more getting ready
for college, a receding hairline and a fond reminiscence
for the halcyon days of middle age should be enough to
make any man cry.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

————————————————————

+———- Even More Bizarre February Holidays ———–+

February 21 is Card Reading Day

February 22 is Be Humble Day

February 23 is International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day

February 24 is National Tortilla Chip Day

February 25 is Pistol Patent Day (Samuel Colt)

February 26 is National Pistachio Day

February 27 is International Polar Bear Day

February 28 is Public Sleeping Day

————————————————————

————– Drugs found in melon at jail ————–

WENATCHEE, Wash. – Officers at a jail in Washington state
said they found tobacco and oxycodone pills hidden inside
a cantaloupe meant for prisoners. Chelan County Regional
Justice Center officers said workers at a Plaza Super Jet
store in Wenatchee called the jail Monday and said security
cameras recorded two women placing the melon with surplus
food that had been sent to the facility’s kitchen to be
served to prisoners and detainees, the Wenatchee (Wash.)
World reported Thursday. “It was like a pumpkin, with a
noticeable cut around the top,” jail administrator Phil
Stanley said of the cantaloupe. “Somebody would have had
to be a little bit more sneaky than they were.” Stanley
said officers found tobacco and a bag full of the power-
ful prescription painkiller oxycodone. Cherie Smith, a
Wenatchee Police Department spokeswoman, said investigators
do not expect to make any arrests in the case.

————————————————————

———- Deputy not fooled by carpool mannequin ———-

ISLANDIA, N.Y. – Deputies in New York’s Suffolk County
said a woman was ticketed for driving in a carpool lane
alone with a mannequin disguised as a passenger. Mike
Sharkey, Suffolk County Sheriff’s Office chief of staff,
said Deputy Robert Howard was driving Tuesday on the Long
Island Expressway in Islandia when he grew suspicious of
a car in the high-occupancy vehicle lane because the
passenger was wearing a visor and sunglasses despite the
cloudy weather, Newsday reported Thursday. Sharkey said
Howard pulled over Kathleen Frascinella, 61, of Mount
Sinai, N.Y., and discovered her only passenger was a
mannequin dressed in clothing including a blazer and a
scarf. Frascinella was issued a $135 citation for operating
a vehicle in the HOV lane without a passenger. “At first
glance, this may seem humorous, but it is not a joking
matter when you drive off with a ticket,” Sheriff Vincent
DeMarco said.

————————————————————
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E!

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis: Every country imports some products or natural
resources and in order to remain solvent to the rest of
the world has to be able to offset imports with exports
dollar for dollar. The true wealth in a nation is derived
from exports not imports. You cannot import wealth and
America has long ago priced itself out of the world export
market on manufacturing and we have few exportable natural
resources except agriculture and the rest of the world
expects us to give that away. I am afraid most our pro-
blems in the U.S. are a helluva lot bigger than the federal
reserve. -Dennis
[The U.S. was an industrial powerhouse before and it can
be again. All of the problems are linked together!]

Lewis…have you seen “Freedom to Fascism”? It’s really
spooky stuff about our world and our government in
particular. It’ll make you realize there are only two
things with real value, gold and guns. I can’t afford
gold, but there’s a sale on guns and they have financing.
Thanks, Prepared Paranoia
[That's why the founding fathers guaranteed our right to
bear arms.]

Lewis, “I believe that banking institutions are more
dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the
American people ever allow private banks to control the
issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by
deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up
around the banks will deprive the people of all property
until their children wake-up homeless on the continent
their fathers conquered.” -Thomas Jefferson 1802

Over 200 years ago and we still don’t get it. Hate to get
political on such a good column. Keep up the great work!
-Todd

Crap, Lewis, I understood the fiat system before but the
way you describe it makes it sinister and frightening.
Time to step up the plan for a sustainable, off the grid
lifestyle…
[Sinister is a great word do describe it.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Money Out of Nothing

editor — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 09:01:26 +0000

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

What is the cash in your pocket worth? You may think they
money you spend every day is issued and backed by the
United States of America. But you’re wrong. Take a look
at the seal on the left side of the obverse of every single
bank note in your possession. It reads Federal Reserve Bank
of…

Well, Federal Reserve Bank must mean the bank of the Federal
government or something, right? The Federal Reserve is not a
branch of your federal government. It is a cartel of private
banking giants that operate to regular the economy of the
United States with authority given to it by your federal
government, and much more frighteningly, the authority to
print money.

Let me put those two words together for you, private and
money. Your money is issue by privately owned banks. This
is what is called “fiat” money. Fiat meaning a legally
binding command.

Okay, as long as our government authorized this collection
of private banks to print money it should be just as good
as real U.S. currency, shouldn’t it?

Other than the unconstitutionality of fiat money, the
Federal Reserve can print as much money as it sees fit. In
other words, as much money as the federal government needs.
You see, the federal government pays for everything it does
by levying taxes. When taxes fall short it borrows money
from foreign countries. When even this falls short, which
it always does, it borrows money from the Federal Reserve.

Where does the Federal Reserve get it? They don’t. They make
it up. Print it out of pixie dust and cotton pulp. It is
imaginary.

So what happens when you make money out of nothing? When you
pump billions of pieces of worthless paper into the economy
you devalue the currency that is already circulating. In
other words, every worthless dollar that is printed reduces
the value of the dollar already in your pocket. That means
you need more of them to purchase anything. There is a word
for this you are already familiar with. Inflation.

So how long has this been going on? The Federal Reserve was
created in 1913, with the enactment of the Federal Reserve
Act. And how have they been doing so far?

Since World War II Federal Reserve notes have lost about 90
percent of their purchasing power.

If I am going to have a private company issue my money for
me I think I’d rather have Wal*Mart do it. At least their
value has historically gone up!

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

————————————————————

+———— More Bizarre February Holidays ————-+

February 11 is White Tee-Shirt Day & Don’t Cry Over
Spilled Milk Day

February 12 is National Plum Pudding Day

February 13 is Get A Different Name Day & Dream Your
Sweet Day

February 14 is Ferris Wheel Day & National Heart to
Heart Day

February 15 is National Gum Drop Day

February 16 is Do A Grouch A Favor Day

February 17 is Champion Crab Races Day

February 18 is National Battery Day

February 19 is National Chocolate Mint Day

February 20 is Hoodie Hoo Day

————————————————————

——— Man yells at parrot, jailed for weekend ———

EDINBURGH, Scotland – A 19-year-old Scottish man who
admitted to threatening his grandmother’s parrot for
interrupting his sleep was ordered to apologize with
chocolates. Stefan McKinsley, 19, pleaded guilty Monday
to a breach of the peace after his grandmother called
police Friday at 2:45 a.m. and said the teenager was
intoxicated and hitting the parrot’s cage, Britain’s
The Daily Telegraph reported Monday. Prosecutors said
McKinsley, who threatened the bird with violence if it
did not quiet down and allow him to sleep in the spare
room, did not calm down after his grandmother placed a
cloth over the parrot’s cage. McKinsley, who spent the
weekend in jail, was sentenced by Edinburgh Sheriff Court
to buy his grandmother a box of chocolates as an apology.

————————————————————

———- Utah man creates 18-tower ice castle ———-

MIDWAY, Utah – A Utah ice sculptor said his massive out-
door ice castle has grown to include 18 towers, each of
which measures 30 to 35 feet high. Brent Christiansen
said he uses 20 sprinkler heads to expand the structure
by 10-12 tons of ice each day on the golf course of the
Zermatt Resort and Spa in Midway, Utah, and he plans to
continue expanding the project through the end of February,
The Salt Lake Tribune reported. Christiansen said the
resort allows him to keep the $2 entrance fee visitors
must pay to enter the castle and he and his wife were
given a room at the hotel for the season. The self-taught
sculptor said the main tower of the structure is expected
to reach three to four stories high by the time of its
completion.

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Hi Lewis, I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks that the
reader comments section is really the highlight. Some of
the bizarre news items are pretty good. But for the most
part, for me at least, the purpose of the bizarre news items
is to spark the reader comments. Now those are the real
treasures, especially your replies. You have such wit and
wisdom. Nice job! -Dean
[Thanks Dean. I'm sorry I don't have a wise and witty
response to your comment, but you seem to have said it all!]

Your witty remarks to reader comments makes me wonder, Lewis,
did you get in trouble as a kid in school for being a smartass?
-Andrea

Hey, Lewis, in your story about the Scottish motorist…you
listed the fines as US dollars rather than Scottish pounds
(or are they using Euros now?). Is that the approximate
equivalent in US money or do you just not know how to get
the pound symbol? That’s ok if you don’t, neither do I.
–CW
[Why, do you think it made a difference to the dumb bastard
who stopped traffic to blow his nose?]

Methinks Leading Constable Gray is not in full control of
his senses, and should therefore give himself a ticket for
being a douche-bag! -Steve, Frankston Nth, Australia

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

That’s A Copper, Not A Whopper

editor — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 08:53:25 +0000

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

It looks like we’re going to have a bizarre parenting
three-fer. First we had the Georgia mom who punished her
little boy for bringing home a bad grade by making him
kill his own pet hamster with a hammer. Then there was the
Pennsylvania mom who drove her son around to his burglary
jobs. This week we have the story of a Colorado man who
used his children to run interference with the police for
him while he passed out drunk.

Police in Colorado said a drunken man arrested in a
McDonald’s play area told his young kids to “bite the
officers’ faces off.”

Colorado Springs Police said Joshua Algers, 28, was found
passed out drunk in a McDonald’s play area, because that’s
where people go in Colorado Springs to sleep off a hang
over, and officers placed him under arrest upon learning
there was a warrant out for his arrest.

Algers became aggressive when police called the mother of
his children to come pick them up, and then instructed the
kids to “bite the officers’ faces off.”

You better believe there was a tasering when the suspect
resisted arrested. However, no faces were lost during the
altercation.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

————————————————————

+————– Bizarre February Holidays —————+

February 1 is Serpent Day

February 2 is Purification Day

February 3 is Cordova Ice Worm Day

February 4 is Create A Vacuum Day

February 5 is Disaster Day

February 6 is Lame Duck Day

February 7 is Charles Dickens Day

February 8 is Kite Flying Day

February 9 is Toothache Day

February 10 is Umbrella Day

————————————————————

———— Man fights ticket for blowing nose ————

PRESTWICK, Scotland – A Scottish motorist who was ticket-
ed for blowing his nose while his car was stopped in
clogged traffic said he will take the charge to court.
Michael Mancini, 39, of Prestwick, said he was in station-
ary traffic with his parking brake on when he reached for
a handkerchief to wipe his runny nose, leading police
Constable Stuart Gray to issue him a $97 fine because he
was “not in control of his vehicle” while blowing his nose,
the Daily Mail reported. “It’s beyond a disgrace,” Mancini
said. “Surely it would have been more dangerous to drive
with a blocked nose?” Mancini said he will not pay the
ticket and is now likely to face a criminal trial later
this year, the newspaper reported. “I am really angry. I
made sure it was safe to blow my nose. It’s doubtful I’ll
get legal aid so this could potentially cost me thousands
of pounds in legal fees,” he told the Daily Mail. “But I
won’t be paying the fixed penalty.” Gray previously made
headlines last year when he issued an $80 littering ticket
to a man who accidentally dropped a 10-pound ($16) note
in the street.

————————————————————

——- Couple learns cracked vase worth thousands ——-

DORCHESTER, England – An elderly British couple has been
told a cracked Chinese vase they hid in a spare bedroom
is worth more than their house and possibly everything
else in it. The couple, who want to remain anonymous,
received the blue and white lantern vase as a gift half
a century ago, The Sun reported. An appraiser for Dukes
auction house in Dorchester spotted it during a routine
appraisal at the couple’s home in Dorset. Guy Schwinge
of Dukes said the vase is expected to bring in 500,000
pounds ($807,000) when it is auctioned. If it was in mint
condition, it might fetch twice that, he told the Sun.
The vase was made in about 1740 for the Emperor Qianlong,
Schwinge said. He said it may have belonged to the
family of Florence Nightingale, founder of trained
nursing, during the 19th century. Schwinge said the vase
“exemplifies the best porcelain of the period.” “There is
evidence that it had been used as an umbrella stand and
it does have a crack in it and has been splashed with
paint,” he said.

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

They say the family that steals together stays together…
Or is it the family that kills small furry animals together
says together. . .Hmmmm Bizarre. You know how the weatherman
talks about relative humidity? Is that the sweat produced
when cousins have sex? Aren’t modern families great! -Rebekah
[You seem to know a lot about having sex with relatives,
Rebekah. Is there something you want to share with us?]

I had no trouble whatsoever doing this. None at all. I could
just keep going — no problem — with my right foot moving
clockwise and my right hand making sixes (counter-clockwise).
Does that make me strange? –Tabitha
[Yes. Yes it does.]

Lewis – I knew it! You were making up the reader’s comments
all along. -Lance
[If I were making up reader comments there would be a lot
more women with interesting stories. For example, Rebekah
would have told us about the steamy lesbian affair she had
with the cousin she spent the summer with at her family's
vacation house when she was 17.]

Hello Lewis: You don’t get it! The difference between the
two mothers is that one was a thief and the other was a
murderer. Anyone who will kill an animal without a reason
is capable of killing a human without reason. Can you
post my message without [..........] -JT
[You're right. There is a connection between a pattern of
animal abuse as a child and adult violence.]

About that Japanese robot, how long before you think it will
be made in China? -Tony
[Hmmm...might be a good solution to their population problem.]

Hi Lewis, I’ve only read the intro to today’s email so far…
I was struck by the mother’s name. The weekly manners column
“Miss Manners” is also written by a Judith Martin, although
I’m positive not the same mother in your story. I love Bizarre
News! Keep up the great work! -Angela

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Mommy Is Always There

editor — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 09:03:51 +0000

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

In the last issue we discussed the story of a Georgia mom
who punished her little boy for bringing home a bad grade
by making him kill his own pet hamster with a hammer. And
that is certainly what you might call extreme parenting,
until you hear the story of a Pennsylvania woman who drove
her son around to his jobs, his burglary jobs, that is.

A western Pennsylvania man has been ordered to stand trial
on charges he burglarized a home after getting a ride to
the crime scene from his mom. That woman, 50-year-old
Judith Martin, still faces a preliminary hearing on con-
spiracy and other charges she faces in the break-in
allegedly committed by her son, 20-year-old Robert Martin.

Police said Robert Martin took knives, jewelry, a telephone
answering machine and other items from the home in Liberty
Township, about 50 miles north of Pittsburgh.

Police said a neighbor recognized Martin and police said
they later found some of the stolen items at his mother’s
house.

Now, who’s the better parent?

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

————————————————————

+—————— Bizarre Video Clip ——————-+

Japanese Fashion Robot

Take a look at this robot from Japan. It is ready for the
catwalk. Every year, we grow closer to the world of Blade
Runner. This is the most life-like robot I have ever seen!

Click & View: http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=14907

————————————————————

————— Large buck invades kitchen —————

BELLEVILLE, Ill. – An Illinois man who was awakened in
the night by a ruckus in his home said he walked into his
kitchen and was shocked to find a 10-to-12-point buck.
Mark Page of Belleville said he and his wife, Cassia, woke
up early Saturday morning to the sound of glass breaking
in their kitchen and he walked down the steps to find his
dining room window shattered and the large deer standing
in his kitchen, KSDK-TV, St. Louis, reported. “He was
standing right here, with his head in the sink,” Page said.
“I looked at him for seriously not even a fraction of a
second,” he said, “and I ran back upstairs because I don’t
mess with deers.” Page said the deer found its own way out
by crashing through another window, leaving a trail of
blood through the house as his signature. The homeowner,
who said there are no wooded areas near his home, said
police told him they used dogs to try to track the buck,
but they never found the animal.

————————————————————

——– Man finds frame with $3,100 in dumpster ——–

STUART, Fla. – Police in Florida said a man who found
$3,100 cash in the frame of a picture he pulled from a
dumpster in his apartment complex may be able to keep
the money. Warren Bendix of Stuart told police he pulled
a framed picture of a space shuttle from the trash while
he was dumpster diving at Sierra Condominium Apartments,
where he lives, at about 1:45 p.m. Saturday, TCPalm.com
reported. Bendix said he took the photo home to change
the frame and discovered 24 $100 bills and 35 $20 bills
hidden behind the picture. Sgt. Marty Jacobson, a police
spokesman, said Bendix turned the money over to officers.
“If there isn’t a legitimate claim to the property, he can
claim it,” Jacobson said. “We want to give a legitimate
owner an opportunity to claim it if it’s theirs.”

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Hey Lewis- I often have bizarre thoughts, like would it
screw with you if I put the end of my comments in brackets
to make it look like you wrote it? [Look everybody, I'm
Lewis!]
[Not quite the right delivery. It's more like... "Look,
everybody, I'm Lewis!" See. ]

Lewis, I agree that we can not continue polluting the earth,
but the amount of real pollutants that are being place in
environment have been greatly reduced of the past few years.
As a retired Science teacher, I can not understand why
people with some supposed knowledge of Science claim that
plant food is a pollutant. Carbon dioxide is an important
food source for plants. We are actually living in a carbon
dioxide starved time. We lack most of the mega fauna that
existed in the past because of this lack of carbon dioxide.
Also the facts show that carbon dioxide historically trails
warming not lead it. -Bill
[There are more and worse poisons than carbon dioxide. You
have only touched on one tiny little segment of a huge,
complex, global problem. One which unfortunately has no
solution in sight!]

Hi Lewis, Question for you. Where in Utah do you hunt whales?
Are they keeping something about the Salt Lake a secret?
[Well, if you find the right bars...]

Want to start some bizarre scenes in offices next week?
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the
floor and make clockwise circles. Now, while doing this,
draw the number “6″ in the air with your right hand. Your
foot will change direction! –Donna
[This is already too complicated for me. I'll see if I can
get TZ to do it. He let himself become hypnotized, he
should have problem with this.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Hammering A Lesson Home

editor — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 08:58:33 +0000

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

There is parenting, and then there is Georgia parenting.
Police have arrested a Georgia woman who they say forced
her son to kill his pet hamster with a hammer as punishment
for earning a bad grade.

Meriwether County sheriff Steve Whitlock said that the
12-year-old boy told his teacher about the killing. The
teacher reported it to the Division of Family and Child
Services, who contacted police.

The pet’s death allegedly took place at the family’s Warm
Springs home.

Whitlock said 38-year-old Lynn Middlebrooks Geter faces
one charge each of animal cruelty, child cruelty and battery.

There is no word on whether the 12-year-old’s grades improved,
however the family cat is nervously awaiting the results of
the child’s next math quiz.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————

+—————— Bizarre Video Clip ——————-+

Mystery Halo Appears In Russian Sky

In a bizarre scene caught on video, Russian motorists
taped this strange halo-like image in a dark sky.
Strange meteorological event or UFO? You decide.

Click & View: http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=15446

————————————————————

———– DNA spells jail for sloppy burglar ———–

LONDON, Ontario – A Canadian man was sentenced to two
years in prison for three home burglaries in London,
Ontario, in which he left DNA behind each time. Kevin
St. Germain, 43, was convicted of the 2006 and 2009
burglaries in which a total of $72,000 worth of loot was
taken, the London Free Press reported Thursday. He was
sentenced Wednesday after court heard an empty soda can
with two straws in it was found at one break-in site,
which yielded his DNA. At another site, an open bottle
of peach juice had St. Germain’s fingerprints on it, and
at the third site, a cigarette butt that had his DNA on
it, the report said. His fingerprints and DNA were on
file based on burglary convictions in 2000, the newspaper
said. None of the stolen items were recovered.

————————————————————

——— $300 in fake pot stolen from smoke shop ———

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. – Police in Arizona said someone broke
into a smoke shop and stole nearly $300 worth of fake
marijuana. Flagstaff police said someone broke the glass
front door Monday evening at Kind Connection and made off
with nearly $300 worth of “Spice” fake marijuana and a
$200 incense vaporizer, The (Flagstaff) Arizona Daily Sun
reported. Employees were alerted by an alarm and arrived
to check on the store at about 9:45 p.m. Police said they
collected possible suspect information from workers.

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Hey Lewis, just to be clear about the whole Global Warming/
Climate Change concern. Al Gore said in his movie, which
pretty much got everyone talking about it, that global
warming would lead to the ice caps melting, which would
stop the ocean currents, and could lead to an ICE AGE.
Essentially he was tired of everyone trying to understand
a very complicated issue just from reading the name of it
and making stupid jokes every winter as proof that he’s a
quack… But I’ve always agreed with you on this, regard-
less of what a person thinks about Al Gore, do we really
believe we can dump billions of tons of toxic gases into
the environment for hundreds of years and not have any
consequences?
[It sounds like somebody has seen the movie The Day After
Tomorrow one too many times. It doesn't matter if global
warming is real or not. You are right, however, that human-
kind cannot continue to recklessly poison the environment.
There will be consequences, the least of which would be a
theoretical rise in average global temperatures.]

The one and only time that I have been to that club the
dancer actually tried to solicit sex. At the tune of
$500.00, She was hot but no way was she that hot. It’s
not a normal strip club, as all of the dancing goes on
behind closed doors. Anyways just thought you might find
that humorous. love your ezine.
[It still sounds cheaper than marriage.]

I can just imagine a chicken being issued a citation by a
Quitman cop: Cop “Do you have a lawful reason for crossing
the road?” Chicken “Cluck?” Cop “OK, smart arse. Give me
your name.” Chicken “Cluck cluck.” Sound of TASER.
[Sounds about right.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

The Customer Is Always Right

editor — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 09:01:49 +0000

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

What do you do if your stripper refuses to have sex with you?
Why, shoot the strip club manager and set fire to the place,
of course. At least if you’re from Phoenix that’s what you
do.

Employees at Lacey’s Gentleman’s Club told police a 33-year-
old man was upset after a dancer, who provided a private
dance for him, refused a sexual solicitation. The man left
and came back with a handgun and attempted to rob the
business.

The dancer and another woman escaped to the roof of the club
where they called police. When the police arrived they helped
the two women from the roof, however by that time the manager
had climbed onto the roof as well where the irate customer
chased him and shot him.

At that point an officer fired at the suspect, who fled back
into the club and apparently set a fire, which was put out
by the club’s sprinkler system.

The man was found later on the floor of the manager’s office,
dead from an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound.
Authorities said there is no evidence at this time that the
suspect was struck by police gunfire.

And all of this could have been avoided if this man had just
crossed the border into Nevada…or rubbed one out at home
to a little Internet porn.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Bizarre News forum. Check it out here…

http://bizarrenews.gophercentral.com

————————————————————

+———————- Bizarre Laws ———————-+
GEORGIA

It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body
which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.

You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by
“fightin’” words.

In Kennesaw, every head of household must possess a firearm
of some kind.

In Atlanta, one man may not be on another man’s back.

Signs are required to be written in English.

No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if
it is Sunday.

In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.

————————————————————

——— Apartment tenants want privacy wall gone ———

NEW YORK – Residents of a New York apartment building said
their neighbors erected a four-story privacy wall that
building tenants can touch from their windows. The tenants
of the building in the College Park neighborhood of the
city’s Queens borough said the residents of a neighboring
house put up a four-story metal wall that blocks light and
air from their apartments, the New York Post reported. One
tenant, who gave his name as William, said house residents
Donald, Charles and Carol Weidel erected the wall to
protect their frequent parties from prying eyes, the report
said. “They do parties in the summer and they don’t like
for people to see what they’re doing,” William told the
Post. CPY Realty, which owns the apartment building, said
it is seeking to have the courts force the homeowners to
tear down the wall and pay $2 million in damages.

————————————————————

————- Woman finds tooth in candy bar ————–

BROWNSBORO, Texas – A Texas woman said she bit into a
Milky Way candy bar and found a tooth with a silver
filling in the candy. Sue Calhoun of Brownsboro said
she brought the candy bar and a Coca-Cola along for the
ride to Dallas with her husband to pick up a new tractor
on New Year’s Day and she noticed something strange about
the chocolate bar, KLTV, Tyler, Texas, reported. “I took
one bite and it was fine, so I took another bite and bit
down on something and thought, ‘Well, it may be a peanut,’”
Calhoun said. “I thought, ‘Well, Milky bars don’t have
peanut or any kind of nuts in it,” she said. “I looked at
it and I thought, ‘Oh, gosh! Gross! How terrible! (It’s a)
tooth!’” Calhoun said she called Mars Candy, manufacturers
Milky Way, about the find. “She (a Mars representative)
said, ‘I’m going to send you a package to send the tooth
and the candy back in.’ But, I’m not real sure I’m going
to send it back to them or not because they could keep the
evidence and I’m not sure if I would ever see it again,”
she said. Calhoun said she is planning to have her local
dentist examine the tooth.

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, So what you’re saying is in 40 minutes, Markus can
fake a relationship, get some and get paid two hundred bucks
for doing it. Except for getting paid, most guys do that on
Friday night at the local bar. Two out of three ain’t bad.
-Bear.
[You may think you're faking it with the local talent in your
neighborhood, but something tells me it's the girls who are
faking it.]

Nevada the only place for legal prostitution? Don’t forget
Washington D.C. most of Congress and of course the President
is male, they have been screwing us for years and we have to
pay for it every election and we don’t even get lubed up for
it. -Keith

There is a big difference between global warming & climate
change. The do gooders couldn’t get anywhere with global
warming so the just changed the terminology with the same
idea of control of the population. –Andrew

Lewis, did you know that it takes 856 licks to get to the
Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? I have a lot of free
time. –Chris
[You could really turn your marriage around if you devoted
some of that attention to your husband (or wife, even)!]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

It’s A Brave New World

editor — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 09:05:47 +0000

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

It’s a brave new world. The line between the genders have
been blurred in many fields that were once considered
gender specific. No one even bats an eye at a male nurse
anymore. Women are flying combat missions in the military.
And in many churches the clergy is open to anyone (even a
homosexual in one case).

Now the mainstream has opened the door to one of the last
gender specific careers…prostitution.

Nevada is the only state in the Union to allow legal pro-
stitution. While men may have always engaged in the business
of prostitution in seedy motel rooms all over the country
(and usually for male clients), Nevada is, by default, the
industry standard for prostitution in the United States.
And now they have their first male pro.

25-year-old “Markus” (his working name) got his start in
the adult film industry, but he found it too cold and
calculated. In his own words he views himself as an artist,
a performer, and prostitution as a craft that has to be
learned.

“I think for a male, if you want to be successful in this
type of venture, you’re not a prostitute. You’re a surrogate
lover,” said Markus. “You encompass everything that’s
required of you—not only emotionally, physically—but psycho-
logically. Because women are wired differently. They’re much
more sensitive creatures. You actually have to enjoy what you
do. You can’t necessarily say, ‘Oh, it’s just a job.’ You
actually have to say it’s a passion.”

So if you’re a woman in Nevada and looking for a little
entertainment, make sure to check out the Shady Lady Ranch,
two-and-a-half-hours northwest of Las Vegas. It’s $200 for
40 minutes and according to Markus you’ll leave feeling much
more empowered, and much more confident in yourself.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

————————————————————

Bizarre Video – Shaolin Monk Balances of Two Fingers

These are Shaolin monks from Henan Province in China.
They are in Hong Kong to demonstrate the ‘Two Finger
Zenist Kung Fu.’ Si Xingsong, 19 at the time, is said
to be one of only two people in the world who can do
this!

View: http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=15580

————————————————————

——— Police reprimanded for shield sledding ———

OXFORD, England – Police in England said a group of
officers caught on camera using a riot shield as a sled
on a snow slope were reprimanded by a superior. Super-
intendent Andrew Murray, Oxford City commander with Thames
Valley Police, said a bystander captured video of a group
of officers arriving at the slope and encouraging a
colleague to sled down the hill while clinging to the
straps for steering, the Daily mail reported. The video
was later uploaded to YouTube. “The snow has a habit of
bringing out the child in all of us,” Murray said. “I have
spoken to the officers concerned and reminded them in no
uncertain terms that tobogganing on duty, on police equip-
ment and at taxpayers’ expense is a very bad idea should
they wish to progress under my command.”

————————————————————

——— Boy calls police to surrender pacifiers ———-

TARANTO, Italy – Police in an Italian city said a 4-year-
old boy who considered himself too old for his pacifiers
called authorities to surrender the baby toys. Taranto
police said the boy called the emergency line a few days
before his birthday and explained that he thought the
police should have his old pacifiers, ANSA reported. “I’m
old enough now so you can have my dummies,” the boy told
the operator. Police said two officers visited the boy’s
birthday party and traded him a souvenir hat in exchange
for his four old pacifiers.

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I cannot believe I am seeing this in your column. I just
watched a program on Tru with Jesse Ventura trying to
investigate this place in Alaska that is suppose to be
doing these experiments. This place was called Harp.
According to what the people he talked to were saying,
they are making some kind of energy beam that can change
the weather and stuff like that. I was very disturbed
when I saw it. This is an amazing story. I can only pray
that they mean to use this for good things. -Mary Rogers

Bizarre packaging instructions: “Instructions: Tear open,
unfold, and use” – Found on the back of a wet-nap.

Regarding the steel pipe / penis / ice water suggestion;
if the sight of a man going down on your penis with an
electic grinder doesn’t kill your erection, I doubt ice
water will have much effect. -Maygyver
[I guess it depends on how kinky you are.]

One of your readers wrote, “a simple solution would have
been to pack the pecker and pipe in ice water.” But I
want to know who’s going to Pick the Pipe Peterers Pecker
Packer? -Don

Lewis, I live in Florida and have for many years. As a
retired navy CPO, I’ve been in most of the continental
United States and I’ve noticed that there’s not a lot of
difference in the quality of drivers in any of them. As
to Florida not having any rules governing driver’s
license for elderly people, I renewed my license last
year (I’m 66) and I had to take an eye exam. As a matter
of fact, my eyes are better now, than 20 years ago. I was
able to renew my license without the eyeglass restriction.
So I’m good for another 8 years. I think that is too long
to go between renewals, especially for anyone over 60, but
at least they do check that every once in a while. –Rick

Hey Lewis: Get your terms right it’s not “Global Warming”
it’s Climate Change. GW was a Bush era term, designed to
make it easier for G.W. Bush to remember. When will the
have a naked bus ride? -Sean
[And here I thought "Climate Change" made it easier for
lobbyists to push their agenda whichever way the climate
happened to be moving that particular year.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

The Secret Plan To Freeze The World

editor — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 08:54:41 +0000

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

If you have been reading or watching any news at all in the
last couple weeks you have noticed an unusual weather related
trend to the stories. Record cold temperatures, record snow-
falls, cold related deaths, frozen crops, severe weather.

This is odd when compared to what half of the climatologists
in the world have been predicting for the last ten years,
namely global warming. But it begins to make a bizarre sort
of sense when you consider it in conjunction with the unex-
plained light display that occurred in the skies above Norway
December of last year.

For days there was speculation as to what caused that bizarre
spiral light in the sky, with no official explanation being
given. Only after three days did the Russians come forward
and claim that an experimental missile had been tested in
the area and blew up in flight.

The media may have bought that story, but thinking people,
or anybody who has ever seen pictures or video of exploding
rockets, have their suspicions.

The story starts to make more sinister sense when you learn
that a massive Partial Reflection Medium-Frequency Atmospheric
Radar Facility is located in Ramfjordmoen, Norway, operated
by European Incoherent Scatter Facility (EISCAT).

This facility is ostensibly for atmospheric research, but
the United States’ own High Frequency Active Auroral Research
Program (located in Alaska) has demonstrated that high energy
beams shot into the upper atmosphere can literally “punch”
holes in the protective layer surrounding the planet. Could
such holes dramatically effect weather patterns around the
world? Could it be a weather weapon disguised as benign
research?

Certain international newspapers have finally picked up the
story, demanding that the United States admit to its involve-
ment and cease experimenting with the atmosphere and global
weather patterns. Could we actually be on the brink of a new,
man-made ice age?

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————

+—————– Bizarre Warning Labels —————–+

“This product not intended for use as a dental drill.” –
Found on an electric rotary tool.

“Caution: Do not spray in eyes.” – Found on a can of under-
arm deoderant.

“Do not drive with sunshield in place.” – Found on a card-
board sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

“Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” – Found on a pack-
age of airline peanuts.

“Not intended for highway use.” – Found on a 13-inch wheel
for a wheelbarrow.

“Kills all kinds of insects. Warning: This spray is harmful
to bees.” – Found on a can of insecticide.

“WARNING: Contents flammable.” – Found on a container of
lighter fluid.

“Do not use orally.” – Found on a toilet-bowl cleaning
brush.

“Please keep out of children.” – Found on a butcher knife.

“Warning: Do not use on eyes.” – Found in the manual for a
heated seat cushion.

————————————————————

——– Boy, 3, rides bag belt at Danish airport ———

COPENHAGEN, Denmark – Officials at a Denmark airport
said a 3-year-old boy rode the entirety of the baggage
belt system, including an X-ray machine. Copenhagen
Airport workers said the young boy hoisted himself onto
an unattended baggage belt while he and his mother were
checking in for an early Thursday flight, The Copenhagen
Post reported Monday. The X-ray directed the boy to an
area for bags that needed to be handled manually because
an identification tag was not detected. An airport worker
heard the boy calling out from the area and he was rescued
and reunited with his mother. Officials said the boy
seemed shaken but unharmed. He was believed to have board-
ed the plane with his mother as planned.

———————————————————–

———— 70 ride Dallas trains sans pants ————–

DALLAS – Organizers of a pantless ride on the Dallas
public train system said about 70 people turned out to
drop their trousers in the cold and ride the rails. Brian
Alguire and Chris Linville, organizers of Sunday’s no-
pants ride, said the event marked the first time Dallas
Area Rapid Transit riders participated in what has become
an annual tradition in many cities, The Dallas Morning
News reported. The organizers said most of the participants
were in their 20s but nearly every age group was represent-
ed. The pair gave only vague reasons for organizing the
unsanctioned event. “Why not? I didn’t have anything better
to do today,” Alguire said. Participants offered similar
reasons for coming out in the cold and shedding their
pants. “I’m a lifelong nudist. I usually stay in a warm
place when being nude, though,” said Ashley Ross, 19.

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Things I learned tonight: 1) How not to start a gas fireplace.
2) How to create a giant fireball in one’s living room. 3)
How to lose a good part of one’s eyelashes and eyebrows. Not
story relevant, but just saying. I’m a bizarre news story in
and of myself. -TJ
[Who knows, you may have just saved a Bizarre News reader's
eyebrows!]

Lewis, regarding the 91 year old who crashed into the
restaurant, it’s no surprise. Florida has no rules whatsoever
about license renewal beyond paying the fee. So no matter how
old you get, no matter how bad your eyesight or judgment, you
get a license in perpetuity. Believe me, this makes driving in
Florida a life-threatening quest every single time you hit the
streets. There was one elderly lady who took out three cars
and put herself in a coma for a few weeks because she couldn’t
get an opening to turn onto the street she wanted, so she
finally decided the thing to do was just “close my eyes and
go.” Fun! -Lisa

a simple solution would have been to pack the pecker and pipe
in ice water. did you ever notice how hard it is to grab
your pecker when you try to pee in a snowbank it shrivels to
nearly nothing. -Walt
[The medical world needs advice like this. You could save a
lot of people a lot of unnecessary pain.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

Canadian Man Gets First Ever SBWI

editor — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 08:55:17 +0000

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

First it was Driving While Intoxicated. Then they changed it
to Driving Under the Influence. In Ontario, Canada they’re
going to have to come up with a new one, Snow Blowing While
Intoxicated.

A civic-minded but drunken man has been charged with pushing
a snow blower into a major intersection north of Toronto.

The unidentified 41-year-old man caused traffic mayhem during
rush hour in Barrie, 50 miles north of Toronto. Before a
passing officer was able to reach the man, he was almost
struck by cars twice amid clouds of snow he was stirring up.

“His capacity to make sound decisions was obviously affected,”
a police spokesman said.

The man was arrested and charged with public intoxication and
held until he was sober. Officers said the man offered no
explanation for why he wanted to clear the intersection.

All things said and done he was lucky. If the man had been
riding a snow blower instead of using a hand-push variety, he
could have faced an impaired driving charge as well.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————

+———– Bizarre Video Clip ————+

A Spoon Full of Cinnamon

Watch as Customer Service Tammy attempts to conquer eating
a spoonful of cinnamon for all of her co workers.

Click & View: http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=15568

————————————————————

———– Firefighters free penis from pipe ————

SOUTHAMPTON, England – British firefighters called to a
hospital said they spent 30 minutes using a metal grinder
to free a man’s penis from a steel pipe. The Hampshire
Fire and Rescue Service crew said they were called to
England’s Southampton General Hospital Tuesday morning to
use the 4 1/2-inch grinder to cut through the pipe without
damaging the man’s sex organ, The Sun reported. Hospital
staff said they were unable to remove the pipe without
assistance because the blood flow in the man’s penis had
become restricted and caused him to become aroused. Doctors
said the man’s penis was bruised and swollen after the
operation but he did not suffer any serious or permanent
injuries. Firefighters said the man declined to explain
how his penis had become stuck in the pipe. “It was a very
delicate operation that required a very steady hand and
the crew was worried about things getting too hot during
the cutting,” a Fire and Rescue spokesman said. “It’s
certainly an unusual call-out and I’m sure the man won’t
be getting into that situation again.”

————————————————————

——— Man crashes into cafe, orders breakfast ———-

PORT ORANGE, Fla. – A 91-year-old man who crashed his car
into a popular Florida restaurant proceeded to sit down
and order breakfast near his vehicle, authorities said.
Tonya Gilardi, a spokeswoman for Port Orange Fire, said
Charles Pierce was not injured when he crashed his car
into the Biscuits ‘N’ Gravy restaurant Monday morning but
another customer was treated for minor injuries at Halifax
Health Medical Center in Port Orange, the Daytona Beach
(Fla.) News-Journal reported. “A firefighter told me he
sat down and ordered breakfast right after the crash,”
Gilardi said of Pierce. “He sat close to where the crash
occurred so he could keep an eye on his car.” Port Orange
Assistant Police Chief Wayne Miller said Pierce was
attempting to park Monday at the restaurant when he
pressed the accelerator “one too many times” and the
vehicle slammed through the glass window of the cafe.
Miller said Pierce was issued a citation for careless
driving.

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis: Anything that would make them smell better would be
wonderful. -Robert
[You are dating the WRONG kind of women, trust me.]

Hey Keith, read your bible, angels were created by God before
humans, remember reading about Lucifer? Human souls don’t
become angels. Maybe their weight would be 0 oz., that would
not take much lift now would it? -Rex

Lewis, I’m not a tree-hugger, but I am quite fond of the
secretion’s natural flavor – Dorothy
[I don't think you have to be an environmentalist to
appreciate that.]

Hey Lewis, you forgot to mention the most fun thing about
champagne — Sabreing! This year I successfully beheaded
2 bottles during parties. Nothing says fun like a sword
and an explosive bottle. I’ve only ever had 1 explode on
me, and it was hilarious. -Bill
[If there are two things I don't like to combine they are
weapons and alcohol, so I'll leave the "Sabreing" to you.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

Blizzard Booze Bonanza

editor — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 08:59:11 +0000

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

There are worse tragedies that could befall a person on New
Year’s day. In fact, I personally know a lot of people who
would prefer to spend their New Year this way.

It seems patrons at the highest-altitude pub in Britain said
heavy snowfall left them stranded at the bar for three days
while awaiting rescue by snowplows.

Workers and patrons at the Tan Hill Inn in North Yorkshire,
England, said about 30 people were trapped inside the pub
by a white-out snowstorm New Year’s Day and remained stuck
in the snow for three days at the business, which is located
1,732 feet above sea level.

“Morale’s been high — people realized they wouldn’t be
trapped forever,” said Mike Carter, 44, assistant manager
of the pub. “They’ve peeled carrots and potatoes and helped
make dinner.”

Many of the trapped customers were members of Leeds
University’s Cross Country Club. “We were meant to go the
next day,” club member Nathan Martin, 26, said. “Luckily
none of us was in a rush to get home! It’s been good.
There’s been a quiz every night which has kept us going.”

A quiz and all the beer you can drink.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————

+———– Even More Bizarre January Holiday ————+

January 20 is National Buttercrunch Day

January 21 is Rid the World of Fad Diets, Gimmicks Day,
and Squirrel Appreciation Day

January 22 is National Answer Your Cat’s Question Day

January 23 is National Handwriting Day, National Pie Day,
and Measure Your Feet Day

January 24 is Eskimo Pie Patent Day

January 25 is Opposite Day

January 26 is Australia Day

January 27 is Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day

January 28 is National Kazoo Day, Clash Day, and Rattle
Snake Round-Up Day

January 29 is National Cornchip Day

January 30 is Inane Answering Message Day

January 31 is National Popcorn Day and Child Labor Day

————————————————————

———– Grammar vandals awarded book deal ————-

PORTLAND, Ore. – Two U.S. men convicted on federal
vandalism charges for fixing typos on public signs
said they have landed a book deal to write about their
adventures. Benjamin Herson of Oregon and Jeff Deck of
Massachusetts said they were given a $150,000 advance
to write “The Great Typo Hunt,” which is due out Aug. 3,
The (Norfolk) Virginian-Pilot reported. The men were
sentenced to probation and ordered to stay out of national
parks for a year for correcting the grammar on a 70-year-
old sign at the Grand Canyon’s South Rim during their
2008 cross-country typo trek. They credited the case’s
publicity with helping them land the book deal. “The
overreaction of the government probably helped us a lot
in terms of getting this deal,” Herson said. “It’s one of
those true lemonade-out-of-lemons stories.”

————————————————————

——— Pranksters dress statue as Homer Simpson ———

DUNCHURCH, England – Residents of a British town said
pranksters carried on a 40-year tradition of disguising
a statue in the village, this time as Homer Simpson. Tony
Kember, 66, chairman of the Dunchurch, England, historical
society, said the village’s 19th century statue of Lord
John Scott was disguised as “The Simpsons” patriarch as
part of an annual prank tradition that has previously
featured the statue dressed as Harry Potter, Spider-Man,
Guy Fawkes and Shrek, The Sun reported. “I have lived in
the village for over 40 years and people were dressing
up the statue before that,” Kember said. “Nobody in the
village seems to know who the culprits are — or if they
do they are not telling anyone,” he said. “People in the
village love seeing the statue dressed up, it is always
a surprise which character he will be.”

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Didn't scientists also say that bumble bees are not aero-
dynamically able to fly. But they do it anyway. Since angels
are the souls of people I would guess that this guy is not
taking weight into account. -Keith
[Are you suggesting there is such a thing as fat angels?]

Needless to say that those Cherubs and Angels could not fly
commercially either what with their wings they would take
up too many seats and what with the allergies to feathers
that occur in our world, compounded with in a confined
space... Bob

Lewis, you're just too *^%$#(&"">!+@-ng cool..!! -Isaac

Arrrgghhhh, arrrgghhhhh, arrrgghh. [Recent story reference]
Arrrgggghhhhhhh! -TJ
[This is one of the most lucid reader comments I've received
recently.]

Hey Lewis, how’s this for a strange new product. There’s a
new mint on the market called Linger. It’s described as “a
small, naturally sweetened flavoring, free of artificial
dyes, which was created to flavor the secretions of a woman
when she is sexually aroused.” (Hint: it’s for your pussy!)
[Yes, I concluded that, thank you. Whatever happened to
bringing fruit or chocolate syrup or whipped cream or some-
thing into the bedroom in order to get kinky? Now we need a
chemically designed "mint?" No thanks.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com