Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Here is something to think about. I recently read about a
guy named Lindsey Williams who wrote a book called ‘The
Energy Non-Crisis’ in which he talks about how the current
gasoline and oil prices are artificially created by an
international conspiracy designed to keep the United States
buying oil from certain middle-eastern countries,
particularly Saudi Arabia.

He claims that the largest oil field in the world was dis-
covered about twenty years ago just off the northern coast
of Alaska. Enough oil, potentially, to supply all of North
America’s energy needs for the next two hundred years.

This discovery was hushed up by the federal government,
according to Williams, in order to keep us buying our oil
from the middle-east. But why?

The theory is that forty years ago Henry Kissinger, acting
as Secretary of State for the United States, worked out
deals with certain oil-producing countries, to buy as much
oil as they could produce and make then wildly rich provided
that they 1) conduct all oil transactions in U.S. dollars,
practically guaranteeing that the dollar will be the accepted
international currency, and 2) that these countries will
spend a portion of the money WE send them to buy U.S. debt.

Of course, in the last forty years the U.S national debt has
gone from $390 billion in 1970 to a ridiculous twelve trillion
dollars today.

What does that mean to you and me? It means that if Williams
is right, and the U.S. started producing the majority of its
energy at home, the middle-east would stop financing our
debt (with our own money) causing a collapse of the dollar
and a recession that would make the 1930s look like a tea
party.

But is it true?

Interestingly enough…the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge
(ANWR), where all of this oil supposedly is, first became
a federal protected area in 1960, and in 1980 an expansion
of the refuge included 1.5 million acres of the coastal plain
where Williams claims the discovery was made, requiring
congressional authorization before oil drilling may proceed.

It makes you think about who is really responsible for rising
gas prices.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————

+———– Even More Bizarre March Holidays ————+

March 21 is Fragrance Day

March 22 is National Goof-off Day

March 23 is National Organize Your Home Office Day and
National Chip and Dip Day

March 24 is National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day

March 25 is Pecan Day and Waffle Day

March 26 is Make Up Your Own Holiday Day and Spinach
Festival Day

March 27 is National “Joe” Day

March 28 is Something On A Stick Day

March 29 is Festival Of Smoke and Mirrors Day

March 30 is I Am In Control Day

March 31 is Bunsen Burner Day and National Clams On The
Half Shell Day

————————————————————

——— Man in gorilla suit helps nab suspect ———

CANTERBURY, England – British police said a kick from a
man in a gorilla suit helped police catch a suspect flee-
ing from a fight at a supermarket. Canterbury police said
a 24-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of assault and
resisting arrest — with the help of Andy Ingham, 30, who
was dressed in a gorilla suit on a street corner Feb. 18
to promote his gym, Fit4Less, to commuters, Kentnews.co.uk
reported. “Obviously I had the gorilla suit on and had my
hands full of bags as well,” Ingham said. “The policewoman
ran up the bridge and there was this guy running over the
bridge. “The police officer tried to arrest him, at which
point he tried to resist — he grabbed her and slammed her
into the side of the bridge,” Ingham said. “Then the man
started running towards us and the police officer shouted
‘assistance please!’” Ingham delivered a kick to the
suspect’s legs that did not take the man down, but slowed
him enough for police to catch up and arrest him. Police
said they are appealing to the public for information
about the Feb. 18 fight at Tesco supermarket.

————————————————————

——– Police: ‘Body hair’ put in officer’s food ——–

EVESHAM, N.J. – Police in New Jersey said they charged a
restaurant cook with aggravated assault for concealing a
“body hair” in food prepared for an officer. Authorities
said Ryan Burke, 26, of Stratford, was working Feb. 21 at
Good Foods to Go in Evesham when he concealed the “body
hair” on a bagel sandwich made for a police officer,
whose name was not released, The Courier Post, Cherry
Hill, N.J., reported Thursday. Burke was arrested and
charged with aggravated assault, food tampering and
retaliation for a past official action. Burke, who denies
the accusation, said he was arrested by the officer in
March 2009 for failing to pull over during a traffic stop.
However, he said the officer is a regular at the restaurant
and there had been no previous incidents. “I think that
this is absurd,” said Burke, who was fired from the
restaurant following the incident. “They decided to ruin
my life.”

————————————————————
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E!

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, I really enjoy your bizarre news reports. Horny
elephants! What’s not to love. But I only receive the
newsletter about once a week. Is it not a daily? Where
are the other days going? -Brothertucker
[I only publish when I have really good horny elephant
stories to write about.]

Lewis, I thought your readers should know that even us
“West Coast Elitists” have some geniuses in our midst.
He probably didn’t follow the old saying, “look before
you pee!” -Brian “Elma man electrocuted by urinating
on power line”

After reading about the person in scuba gear trying to
smuggle marijuana across the US Mexico border via sewer,
I can understand why people call it ‘good shit.’

Regarding smuggling drugs from Mexico to the US by some-
one wearing scuba equipment disturbs me in two ways. First
of all, that there are sewers running under the border
between Mexico and the United States. Honestly which
direction is “Down hill” here, Which country is dumping
on the other? And second and more disturbing is that there
are “infrared cameras” monitoring the sewage? -Thom

Yippee: March 17 is Submarine Day. I can’t wait to head
down to the beach and watch the submarine races. -Steve

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

There can be only one…crazy mother running up and down the
halls of an elementary school swinging a sword. At least in
Tennessee. Other states may have higher limits.

The whole issue started with two second grade girls getting
into a fight and spitting on each other. As happens with this
kind of thing the parents were called. Little did the school
know that the mother of little Aaliyyah Price is the legendary
Highlander.

32-year-old Toni Price went to the school to confront the
parents of the girl who spit on her daughter, but the girl’s
parents wasn’t there.

According to court records, Toni Price ended up inside the
school where an employee reported a drunk woman was armed with
a sword running through the halls of the school. She told
police Price was threatening to cut her.

Officers who arrived on the scene retrieved a black walking
cane in which a long sharp blade is concealed.

Price told police she drank a 40 ounce bottle of Colt 45
before going to the school. She’s charged with aggravated
assault, having a weapon on school property and being a
pompous Spanish peacock.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————

+————— Bizarre March Holidays —————-+

March 1 is National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover’s Day

March 2 is Old Stuff Day

March 3 is I Want You To Be Happy Day, Peach Blossom Day
and National Anthem Day

March 4 is Holy Experiment Day

March 5 is Multiple Personalities Day

March 6 is National Frozen Food Day

March 7 is National Crown Roast Of Pork Day

March 8 is Be Nasty Day

March 9 is Panic Day

March 10 is Festival Of Life In The Cracks Day

————————————————————

———– Couple sued over ‘ugly’ kitchen ————-

NEW YORK – A New York realty group is suing the owners
of a floor at the Gramercy Park Hotel for installing an
“ugly” Ikea kitchen at the property. The Paramount Realty
Group said retail mogul Jon Asgeir Johannesson and his
wife, designer Ingibjorg Palmadottir, agreed to rent out
the 16th floor of the Gramercy Park Hotel for $312,000
last year, but the “ugly” kitchen has been an embarrass-
ment for the renting tenant, the New York Daily News
reported Thursday. “Defendants willfully installed what
(Jon Asgeir Johannesson) defined as an ‘ugly’ kitchen,”
the suit states. “The kitchen installed is manufactured
by Ikea, which is generally known to offer low-budget
furniture.” “The kitchen has also been a source of
embarrassment for Plaintiff and the subject of remarks
by guests,” Paramount said in the suit. The lawsuit is
seeking $52,000 in damages.

————————————————————

——- Police: Drunk man drove off with gas hose ——-

SOUTH BEND, Ind. – Indiana police said they arrested an
alleged drunk driver who drove away from a gas station
with the nozzle and hose still attached to his vehicle.
St. Joseph County police said they received calls Monday
night about a truck on westbound U.S. 20/U.S. 31 with a
gas station hose dangling from the side and striking pass-
ing vehicles, the South Bend (Ind.) Tribune reported.
Officers said the driver, a 46-year-old South Bend man,
smelled of alcohol when he was pulled over on Indiana 2
and failed several field sobriety tests before being
booked into the St. Joseph County Jail. Police said his
blood alcohol content was measured at 0.13 at the jail,
well over the 0.08 legal limit for driving. The man told
police he had recently purchased gas from a Speedway
station. The hose and nozzle were returned to the
business.

————————————————————
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E!

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

When I was a bike courier in Toronto years ago, I remember
me and a friend chasing a bike thief down. I repoed the
bike for the happy young woman and Kevin wrestled the guy
to the ground, and then somehow locked him to a stair rail
with a kryptonite lock around his neck. Lost the lock,
Kevin later said, but man, it was worth it for the look on
his face. I bet he never stole another bike after that.
-Mike, Toronto
[And here I thought Wolverine was the only Canadian super-
hero.]

Lewis, I forward your letter to 10 of my friends that I have
on a group email. I don’t know if any have signed up yet. I
have a few less raunchy friends so I have to delete some of
your remarks. Keep up the great work, you really make my
morning.
[Thank you! It's nice to be appreciated, if edited.]

I read the Bizzare News every morning with my coffee, and
it starts my day out right, because I am learning something
new every day and the are good for a laugh. –Shirley

Lewis, Just wanted to say that your column is maintaining
its level of excellence. You have managed to offend the
left and the right so this tells me that you are indeed,
fair and balanced. –John
[Thank you. And piss off.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

They know how to grow up ‘em in Maryland, as evidenced by
their 2008 Miss Outdoors winner. This is not some vapid
beauty contest for bubble-headed teenagers. No, Maryland’s
Miss Outdoors has to display some real talents, like muskrat
skinning.

The key to successful muskrat skinning is a very sharp knife
the outgoing Miss Outdoors, Dakota Abbott, said. 17-year-old
Dakota, who won the Miss Outdoors title in 2008, earned $100
and a set of muskrat traps by winning the women’s junior
championship trophy in a muskrat-skinning contest last week-
end.

The tradition of Miss Outdoors competitions and muskrat
skinning began in 2003 when contestant Tiffany Brittingham
donned a sharp knife, along with jewelry and makeup to show
off her skinning skills. There is an image for you.

This year’s competition even included a contestant who
scalded a large chicken before plucking the feathers from
the bird.

But once the judges’ votes were tallied in this year’s Miss
Outdoors event, Abbigail Tyler was victorious — thanks to
her singing performance of “Red High Heels.”

Emcee Buddy Foxwell had one unusual pageant request for all
contestants, “All contestants are reminded to take your
carcasses home with you.”

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+———– Even More Bizarre March Holidays ————+

March 21 is Fragrance Day

March 22 is National Goof-off Day

March 23 is National Organize Your Home Office Day and
National Chip and Dip Day

March 24 is National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day

March 25 is Pecan Day and Waffle Day

March 26 is Make Up Your Own Holiday Day and Spinach
Festival Day

March 27 is National “Joe” Day

March 28 is Something On A Stick Day

March 29 is Festival Of Smoke and Mirrors Day

March 30 is I Am In Control Day

March 31 is Bunsen Burner Day and National Clams On The
Half Shell Day

***

———- Two charged with gorilla head theft ————

APPLETON, Wis. – Two Minneapolis men have been arrested
and charged with theft after they allegedly stole the
head off of a Wisconsin store’s mechanical gorilla. Jesse
Varga, 24, and John Jenness Jr., 28, are scheduled to
appear March 10 for the misdemeanor charge in Wisconsin’s
Outagamie County Court after police said they took the
head off of a mechanical gorilla that had been displayed
for 15 years outside of Balloon Magic in Appleton, Wis.,
the Appleton Post-Crescent reported Thursday. They alleged-
ly tore the head off the gorilla, causing $1,500 in damage
to the item, on Thanksgiving Day and had the head “mounted
in a position of prominence” in their apartment, police
said. Minneapolis police said they discovered the head
in the apartment after an anonymous tip to Appleton
authorities. Varga and Jenness could each face up to
9 months imprisonment and a $10,000 fine.

————————————————————
CelebSLIM (30 Day Supply)
Just One Pill A Day… To Be Celebrity Slim

Retail Price: $49.99
DEAL PRICE: $19.99

Let’s face it most diets fail. Is what you are currently
doing, working for you? Are you ready for your next big
change?

Grab a bottle of CelebSLIM Extra Strength and within two
weeks you will notice a difference… we promise!

If after just two weeks you don’t:
1. Lose weight
2. Feel Better
3. AND Have Less Cravings

(not just one but if you don’t experience ALL THREE), then
return the unused portion for a full refund of the 30 day
supply.

For years Celebrities have been paying almost $50 a bottle
for this secret formula that works!

What Does CelebSLIM do?:
- Suppresses Your Appetite…
- Curbs Your Cravings…
- Boosts Your Metabolism, without drugs…

Plus there is… No Caffeine! No Ephedra! No Jitters…

BEST OF ALL, Take only 1 pill a day to be CelebSLIM… Grab
a 30 day bottle… you have nothing to lose but weight…
Visit: Just One Pill A Day… To Be Celebrity Slim
————————————————————

———- Councilman turns toilet into planter ———–

SNELLVILLE, Ga. – A Snellville, Ga., city councilman who
was warned for having a messy yard said he cleared away
all of the junk except a toilet that he converted into a
planter. Councilman Robert Jenkins was issued a warning
in January after Snellville Mayor Jerry Oberholtzer gave
police pictures of the toilet, a broken-down car and
other junk in the official’s yard, The Atlanta-Journal
Constitution reported Thursday. Jenkins said he got rid
of most of the offending items, but the toilet was instead
moved next to his driveway, surrounded by a halo of stones
and made host to a tulip, two bunches of daffodils and two
iris plants. “I just hated to get rid of it,” Jenkins said
of the commode. “It was in good shape. I’m waiting for some
warm weather to get it blooming. “It’s my contribution to
folk art, not to mention I do love to see things grow.”
Oberholtzer chuckled Tuesday when he was told of how
Jenkins had complied with the warning. “It’s good to hear
he cleaned up his act,” Oberholtzer said. “I certainly
wouldn’t put that in my front yard,” he said of the toilet
planter.

——– Man says he was pulled over for laughing ———

LIVERPOOL, England – A British motorist said he missed an
important appointment when he was pulled over by a police
officer for laughing behind the wheel. Gary Saunders of
Liverpool said he was talking to his brother-in-law on a
hands-free phone and laughing at a joke when he saw a
traffic officer flash police lights and signal for him to
pull over, The Daily Telegraph reported. Saunders said he
was asked to get out of his car and the police officer
said: “Laughing while driving a car can be an offense.” He
said the officer questioned him for half an hour before
letting him continue driving. “I couldn’t believe it when
he told me I’d been pulled over for laughing,” he said. “I
definitely wasn’t speeding so I asked what the problem was
and he told me I was laughing too much.” Saunders said the
officer took up half hour of his time by ordering him to
take his driver’s license and other documents to the police
station. “It went from ludicrous to unbelievable. He
definitely had a bee in his bonnet about something and I
got the brunt of it,” he said. “In the end he reluctantly
admitted that he had nothing he could accuse me of, but
still required me to take my documents to the station.”

————————————————————
CLIP HANGER
You’ll ABSOLUTELY Love It For Your Cell Phone…

Retail Price: $12.99
DEAL PRICE: $9.99
Get Two for $15.98

This is the best way to hang on to any cell phone, pda or
ipod. ClipHanger, takes away the need for a case as it
conveniently clips on to your belt loop and allows one
handed access to your phone. Its thin profile minimizes
bulk and won’t poke you or cause discomfort, even while
sitting. It is made from durable plastic that won’t break,
and because it sticks up beyond the top of your phone, it
helps to protect the antenna too.

Other cell phone clips are bulky and stick out too far to
be comfortable. The ClipHanger is very slim and easily
hooks on your belt loop, pocket or waistband. It moves
with your body so it will not snap off and break. Use the
included dashboard mount to hang your phone in the car.

To see a video of this item in action or to order, visit:
CLIP HANGER – You’ll ABSOLUTELY Love It For Your Cell Phone
————————————————————

——— Zoo cancels poop sale due to herbicide ———-

SEATTLE – A Seattle zoo said it is canceling its spring
“Zoo Doo” fecal compost sale due to high levels of
herbicide in the manure blend. That’s Crappy! Woodland Park
Zoo officials said unacceptable levels of the herbicide
clopyralid were detected in the compost, which is comprised
of manures from several animals, straw bedding, wood chips,
leaves and grass, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported.
“We deeply regret that Zoo Doo will not be available for
our many loyal users,” zoo representative Dan Corum said.
“Gardeners can be assured that they will get the quality
they expect from Zoo Doo when it’s available again this
fall.” Officials said the Zoo Doo will be used around the
zoo, as clopyralid is not dangerous to the animals. They
said the sale was canceled because the herbicide could kill
some of the garden plants that it is meant to fertilize.
Woodland Park Zoo spokesman David Schaefer said the
facility sells about 1 million pounds of Zoo Doo each year
to several hundred gardeners who are chosen by lottery.

————————————————————
WIRELESS HEADPHONES – Great Sounding At Great Value
w/ Built-In FM Scan Radio

TV & Store Price: $24.99
OUR PRICE: $7.99
Get two for $11.98

These Wireless Headphones With Built-In FM Radio allow you
to enjoy music anywhere in your home or office without any
wires.

The High Quality provides amazing clarity with wireless
technology that emits sound up to 30 feet in distance.

They’re Easy To Use… The transmitter quickly connects to
any receiver, MP3, DVD player, gaming systems, computers
and more with the RCA and mini-plug adapters.

FIVE (5) FUNCTIONS IN ONE:
- Wireless Headphones
- Internet Chat/Gaming
- Audio Monitoring
- FM Auto-Scan Radio
- Wired Audio Connection

This is one of those items that always sells out. Even at
full retail price it is a steal compared to other brands…
and the quality will thrill you.
WIRELESS HEADPHONES w/ Built-In FM Scan Radio
————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, Regarding the bit about LA County trying to go curse
free…. a few years ago, a dude on my bowling league was
upset with the language he heard, so he wanted everyone to
put a quarter into a bucket every they swore. The idea
quickly fizzled when we nicknamed it the F**k-it Bucket.
He got so pisssed, he quit the league! -BB
[Did he say "F*ck-it" when he left?]

Lewis, I fail to see the bad parenting in this but if it were
me, I would tell them both, PACK YOUR BAGS AND GET OUT YOU
ARE NO LONGER MY SONS. -Bob
[You fail to see how a guy getting smacked in the head with
a snow shovel by his own sons is a failure in parenting? What
would you call it?]

The proper term for the anatomy is buttocks, not “anus” .
The anus is the actual opening which ain’t pretty no matter
who looks at it! The opening is gross while some people
find the buttocks pretty. -NYLG
[Not that I want to turn this into an issue of Great Sex-
pectations, but some people would argue with you.]

“People don’t want handouts! People want hand jobs!” This
is B.S with regard to a lot of people. Some are born into
welfare and a job is the last resort. Some states pay so
well that taking a job would result in a financial cut
back. But what the hell? Taxpayers can afford it, right?
-Rick

To your comment about people not wanting handout but hand
jobs: Roger that. And BOY, did we get a hand job in the
last election – eh? -Bob.

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Here is a great example of a complete failure at parenting.
Police in Stamford, Connecticut say two teenagers who
refused to help their father shovel snow from the driveway
allegedly attacked him with shovels.

Police say the father was shoveling the driveway with his
10-year-old son and asked his two teenage sons to help.

The teenagers got into an argument and the 19-year-old hit
his father in the head with a shovel. The blow knocked the
father to the ground and the 17-year-old than allegedly
smacked him in the back with his shovel displaying unusual
teamwork for teenagers.

The two brothers fled but were arrested a short time later.

Wili Almonte is charged with second-degree assault and con-
spiracy. His brother, not identified because of his age,
faces the same charges.

The 42-year-old father, whom police did not identify, was
treated at Stamford Hospital for cuts to his head.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+————– More Bizarre March Holidays —————+

March 11 is Johnny Appleseed Day and Worship of Tools Day

March 12 is Alfred Hitchcock Day

March 13 is Jewel Day

March 14 is National Potato Chip Day

March 15 is Buzzard’s Day and Everything You Think Is
Wrong Day

March 16 is Everything You Do Is Right Day

March 17 is Submarine Day

March 18 is Supreme Sacrifice Day

March 19 is Poultry Day

March 20 is Proposal Day and Festival Of Extraterrestrial
Abductions Day

***

——— Investigators say ghost at university ———–

SLIPPERY ROCK, Pa. – Paranormal investigators said they
encountered what appeared to be the spirit of a young
child at Pennsylvania’s Slippery Rock University. John
Lewis, owner of Baelfire Paranormal Investigation in
Titusville, Pa., said his team of 10 investigators sought
evidence of ghostly activity in university buildings,
using infrared cameras, digital and analog audio recorders,
digital and 35-mm still cameras, electromagnetic field
meters, computers and other equipment, the Pittsburgh
Tribune-Review reported. “Michael Peters, the medium who
was with us for the investigation, did some channeling
and reported having some personal experiences with the
spirit of a little girl,” Lewis said. “That really didn’t
surprise us because we’ve had reports of people hearing
voices and conversations involving a little girl.” Lewis
said his team will likely post their findings on the
group’s Web site, www.baelfireparanormal.org, after
reviewing the collected data, a process he said will
likely take about two weeks.

————————————————————
Silky Smooth by Body Trends
Hair Removal That’s Easy, Safe & Painless…

List Price: $14.99
Deal Price: $7.99
Get Two (2) For: $11.98

Body Trends Silky Smooth painlessly removes hair and
it’s pain free! It gently exfoliates while removing
hair, leaving your skin soft and smooth. No Pain. No
Chemicals. No Razor Burn.

The secret are the superfine flex-crystals that buff away
unwanted hair, leaving your skin so soft and incredibly
smooth. The dual action system exfoliates as it removes
unwanted hair. Works great on sensitive areas, leaving
skin soft, smooth and supple.

Best of all… it’s safe for legs, forearms, upper lip,
bikini line and much more!

Each Package Includes:
- 1 Travel Case
- 1 Large Applicator
- 1 Small Applicator
- 4 Large flex-crystal replacement pads
- 4 Small flex-crystal replacement pads

Remember get one for $7.99 or get two for $11.98,
VISIT: Silky Smooth Hair Removal by Body Trends
————————————————————

———- Mom called to duty brings kids along ———–

FORT BENNING, Ga. – A North Carolina mom who reported for
active duty in the Army with her two young children in
tow was told Monday she will be discharged, a TV station
reported. Lisa Pagan had been ordered to report to Fort
Benning, Ga., four years after being released from active
duty. The stay-at-home mom contends she has no one to care
for her children, ages 3 and 4, because her husband is on
the road frequently in his job — and says several appeals
she filed over a period of months fell on deaf Army ears
before Monday, WWAY-TV in Wilmington, N.C., reported. It
was not yet clear whether Pagan, who had been honorably
discharged after serving seven years in the Army, would
receive an honorable discharge or a general discharge
under honorable conditions, the TV station said. “They’re
probably not going to be happy I brought them (her
children),” Pagan told WBTV-TV in Charlotte, N.C., prior
to leaving for Fort Benning. “I asked them (the Army) do
you really expect him to lose his job and nobody would
give me an answer,” she said. “Hopefully they’ll discharge
me for parenthood when I get there. I don’t know how
they’re going to react, they may tell me to just go home.”

——– Mother says she slept through teen’s party ——–

BUFFALO GROVE, Ill. – A suburban Chicago mother she slept
through her teenage son’s raucous party and was unaware
his 17 guests were drinking alcohol. Margaret Couch, 46,
was charged with allowing underage drinking in her home
after her son and his guests, ages 16 to 19, were cited
for unlawful possession and consumption of alcohol, the
Chicago Tribune reported Tuesday. Police were called to
the house at 3:20 a.m. Sunday when neighbors complained
of loud music and people yelling, Buffalo Grove Police
spokesman Steve Husak said. The teenagers were given
breath tests and cited by police before being released to
their parents, Husak said.

————————————————————
HIGH CONTRAST 3X AMBER MAGNIFIER SHEET
The Most Innovative Magnifying Sheet Ever…

List Price: $9.99
YOUR PRICE: $4.99
Get Two for $7.98

The High Contrast 3x Amber Magnifer the most innovative
magnifying sheet you’ve ever seen.

Magnify an entire page at one time AND see it clearer than
with any other magnifying object! The secret is in the
amber color that allows for unbelievable contrast between
the black print. Which also helps to reduce eyestrain and
squinting.

Perfect for reading books, looking up telephone numbers,
scanning maps, etc…

The Amber Magnifier Allows You To:
- See fine print with ease!
- Never struggle to read again.
- See print clearer than ever before.
- View in 3X magnification.

Grab one or two of these while the price is this low.
We don’t know how long we can keep it at this price.
Visit: HIGH CONTRAST 3X AMBER MAGNIFIER SHEET
————————————————————

—- Los Angeles seeks a week without cursing, No Shit! —-

LOS ANGELES – Officials in Los Angeles County, Calif.,
said the first week of March will be declared “No Cussing
Week” to encourage locals to clean up their language.
Michael Antonovich, a member of the Los Angeles County
Board of Supervisors, said he is planning to issue a
proclamation Tuesday encouraging people to forgo foul
language for the week, KTLA-TV, Los Angeles, reported
Monday. “It’s a good reminder for all of us, not just
young people, to be respectful of one another and watch
the words we use,” Antonovich said of “No Cussing Week,”
which doesn’t come with any penalties for non-participation.
The event was inspired by South Pasadena, Calif., student
McKay Hatch, 15, who started the “No Cussing Club” about
three years ago when he noticed his friends and fellow
students were beginning to use profanity on a regular
basis. “Next year I want to try to get California to have
a cuss-free week. And then, who knows, maybe worldwide,”
the teenager said. “It’s not about forcing anyone to stop,
just to bring awareness,” Hatch told KTLA of his anti-
cussing campaign. “If you can do a week without cussing,
maybe you can do two weeks. And then maybe a month.”

————————————————————
4X Pocket Magnifier by Journey’s Edge

Normal Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $4.99
Get two for $7.98

Read magazines, books and more with the Journey’s Edge 4X
Pocket Magnifier.

Even the smallest type will be easy to read because of the
4-times magnification. And you’ll love the two LED lights
that light up what you’re looking at, even in the darkest
of conditions. This is one handy magnifier!

FEATURES:
- 4x Magnification
- Scratch-Resistant Lens
- Twin LED’s for enhanced viewing
- Large 80mm Lens
- Rubberized, No-Slip Grip

All of this and the price being 1/2 the list price make
this magnifier a great companion wherever you go. And YES…
Batteries Are Included.
VISIT: 4X Pocket Magnifier by Journey’s Edge
————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Regarding “Teen fired after calling job ‘boring’”. Call me
cynical (because I am) but I had to wonder how a 16 year
old girl lands a job as “office administrator” in the first
place. -Bill
[They call the kid who mops the toilets at Burger King a
maintenance engineer.]

You wrote that thought Anna Nicole Smith had a remarkable
anus. Was this from personal knowledge? -Felix
[Anna Nicole Smith was a Playboy playmate. Half of the free
world saw her anus.]

Lewis, The ceremony of monks in loin cloths scrambling for
2 pieces of wood sounds like a new form of a mosh pit which
does not sound any form of erotic to me. -Jan
[I guess it depends on who you're in the mosh pit with.]

Lewis: Defense spending, nor Iraq, nor “black” programs are
THE reason for this mess. Nor is social programs like food
stamps THE reason. TRuly, there are wasteful programs within
Government, from the local level through Federal. HOWEVER, I
will point out one difference between a food stamp recipient
and a defense industry worker. The latter pays taxes, buys a
house, sends their kids to college. It boils down to teaching
a man to fish versus giving him a fish. Laying the blame on
one segment or another is too simplistic. -Bob
[Bob, this issue is as old as welfare itself. It's like the
governor of Connecticut William O'Neill said in 1991, "People
don't want handouts! People want hand jobs!"]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Today’s bizarre comes to you from Japan. And this is bizarre,
folks, but I guess no more bizarre than a lot of religious
ceremonies. To tell you the truth, I would sort of like to
see something like this in, say, the Catholic church.

About 9,000 men clad only in loincloths joined in a free-for-
all at a Buddhist temple in Japan, trying to secure two pieces
of sacred wood.

The event at Saidaiji Temple in Okayama was part of the 500th
anniversary of Saidaiji Eyo, described as “one of Japan’s
three oddest festivals.”

Whoever got out with the two chunks of wood, if not his
“fundoshi” or white loincloth, was to be proclaimed by the
temple’s monks as “the man of fortune for the year.”

The ceremony began about 10 p.m. Saturday with a purification
ritual in which the men poured cold water on themselves. Then,
at midnight, the monks turned off the lights and dropped the
two 8-inch sticks among them and the struggle began.

There was no word on who turned out to be the lucky guy, but
it was probably the one who had the fewest butt cheeks smashed
in his face while scrambling for the wood. Why does that sound
so homoerotic to me?

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+—————– Bizarre March Holidays —————–+

March 1 is National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover’s Day

March 2 is Old Stuff Day

March 3 is I Want You To Be Happy Day, Peach Blossom Day
and National Anthem Day

March 4 is Holy Experiment Day

March 5 is Multiple Personalities Day

March 6 is National Frozen Food Day

March 7 is National Crown Roast Of Pork Day

March 8 is Be Nasty Day

March 9 is Panic Day

March 10 is Festival Of Life In The Cracks Day

***

————- Rome: No ice cream after 1 a.m. ————–

ROME – Authorities in Rome said a law to take effect in
March bans ice cream, pizza and sandwich vendors from
operating after 1 a.m. Officials said the city council
measure was designed to bring the city’s nightlife to a
close at an earlier hour, ANSA reported Thursday. “This
applies to croissant makers, ice cream makers, cake shops,
yogurt shops, sandwich shops, take-aways and rotisseries,”
city councilor Davide Bordoni said. “One in the morning
seems to us a reasonable hour that is satisfactory for
both the shop owners and residents,” he said.

————————————————————
CelebSLIM (30 Day Supply)
Just One Pill A Day… To Be Celebrity Slim

Retail Price: $49.99
DEAL PRICE: $19.99

Let’s face it most diets fail. Is what you are currently
doing, working for you? Are you ready for your next big
change?

Grab a bottle of CelebSLIM Extra Strength and within two
weeks you will notice a difference… we promise!

If after just two weeks you don’t:
1. Lose weight
2. Feel Better
3. AND Have Less Cravings

(not just one but if you don’t experience ALL THREE), then
return the unused portion for a full refund of the 30 day
supply.

For years Celebrities have been paying almost $50 a bottle
for this secret formula that works!

What Does CelebSLIM do?:
- Suppresses Your Appetite…
- Curbs Your Cravings…
- Boosts Your Metabolism, without drugs…

Plus there is… No Caffeine! No Ephedra! No Jitters…

BEST OF ALL, Take only 1 pill a day to be CelebSLIM… Grab
a 30 day bottle… you have nothing to lose but weight…
Visit: Just One Pill A Day… To Be Celebrity Slim
————————————————————

———- Teen fired after calling job ‘boring’ ———–

CLACTON, England – A 16-year-old British girl said she was
fired from her office job after managers saw that she had
branded her position “boring” on Facebook. Kimberley Swann
said she was called into her manager’s office at Ivell
Marketing & Logistics in Clacton, England, and given a
letter stating that she was being fired from her job as an
office administrator after she called the job “boring” on
her Facebook page, The Daily Telegraph reported Thursday.
“Following your comments made on Facebook about your job
and the company we feel it is better that, as you are not
happy and do not enjoy your work we end your employment
with Ivell Marketing & Logistics with immediate effect,”
the letter read. “I did not even put the company’s name,
I just put that my job was boring. They were just being
nosy, going through everything. I think it is really sad,
it makes them look stupid that they are going to be so
petty,” Swann said.

———- 100-year-old man still hard at work ———–

SOUTH ST. PAUL, Minn. – A Minnesota man who marked his
100th birthday Thursday continues to work half days at
the company he has owned since 1955, family members said.
Bill Horst, son of centenarian Errett “Eddie” Horst, said
his father still puts in weekday hours at Globe Publishing
in South St. Paul, Minn., and until six months ago, he
was driving himself to work for daily 8-hour shifts, the
St. Paul (Minn.) Pioneer-Press reported. “He would’ve been
gone at 85 if he had retired,” Bill Horst said. “He comes
here every day, and it makes him feel like he’s a part of
the place. People — his old clients — still come in here
to see him and call to see how he’s doing. But there just
aren’t a lot of his old buddies left.” Eddie Horst, who
has 15 great-grandchildren, said that despite needing a
magnifying glass to read mail and invoices since his eye-
sight began failing last year, he is otherwise in perfect
condition to work. “Other than my eyesight, I’m fine,” he
said.

————————————————————
FOREVER BAGS – Package of 16…

Normal Price: $9.99
DEAL PRICE: $5.99
Get Two Packages (32 Bags) for $9.98

Tired of throwing out rotten food? Forever Bags prolong
the life of your fruits, vegetables and cut flowers without
the use of chemicals. Stock up on produce without worrying
about rapid spoilage or extend the life of your homegrown
fruits & veggies.

HOW FOREVER BAGS WORK:
Fruits, vegetables and flowers release ethylene gas while
ripening after harvesting or picking. Ethylene gas
accelerates ripening, aging and rotting. Forever Bags
absorb and remove this damaging gas, dramatically extending
the life of fruits, vegetables and flowers.

FEATURES:
- You get 16 Forever Bags (8 – 9″ x 15″, 8 – 12″ x 17″)
- Save Money… Waste Less Produce
- Reusable up to 20 Times
- Keep Produce Fresh Approx. 30 Day
- Reduce Vitamin Loss by 50%

It does all that with NO CHEMICALS! Get one package of 16
Forever Bags for $5.99 or pick up two packages (32 Forever
Bags) for $9.98. Yep… you’re getting two for the normal
price of one. VISIT: FOREVER BAGS – Package of 16…
————————————————————

———- Couple, 14 and 17, divorce in Israel ————

JERUSALEM – The Jerusalem Rabbinic Court has granted a
divorce to the youngest couple to ever apply in Israel,
a 14-year-old girl and her 17-year-old husband. A spokes-
woman for the Rabbinic Courts Administration said the
groom’s parents insisted on the divorce after they
discovered that he and his young wife had married under
Jewish law by exchanging vows in front of two witnesses,
giving one another rings and consummating the relation-
ship, The Jerusalem Post reported Thursday. “We want young
people to learn from this case,” the spokeswoman said.
“Getting married like this can ruin a young person’s life.”
Rabbi Eliyahu Ben-Dahan, director of the Rabbinic Court
Administration, said young people should take the lesson
from the divorce that “marriage is not a joke but a
serious commitment that should not be taken lightly.”

————————————————————
TIRED NO MORE…

Store Price: $24.99
INTRODUCTORY PRICE: $2.99

“Studies show Ginseng is effective in treating
circulation problems, fatigue, lack of energy,
stress and anxiety.”

Throughout ancient history, Ginseng has been praised for its
exceptional nutrition value. Modern nutrition researchers
also regard Ginseng as a valuable herb because of its
naturally-proportioned wealth of vitamins, minerals,
enzymes, & co-enzymes.

We’re SO SURE that our “Ginseng Energy” will help you,
we’re practically giving it away. For a fraction of the
store price you can get 60 pills to see for yourself what
the ‘miracle of Ginseng’ can do for you. Grab a bottle by
visiting (Sorry there is a limit of five (5) bottles per
order): Ginseng Energy Tablets
————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

HI..Regarding the story where the homeowner took off in the
thieves’ car…I read he was going to be charged with vehicle
theft. How’s that for justice? -Rosie
[I didn't read that. And I sort of find it hard to believe,
since the victim called the police himself.]

i just love all your videos! i just watched talented bear.
-shirley
[That's an incredible video, isn't it?]

What tragedy about Anna Nicole Smith? Now all the rich old
men in America don’t have to worry about her stealing their
money. Besides, I remember seeing on TV that ‘her anus was
unremarkable.’ Wait, is that the tragedy? I’m so confused.
-Michael
[I have seen it and whoever said that was dead wrong. She
had a very remarkable anus.]

The example of waste in the state of Washington is egregious
but this is not why we have a $7 trillion federal debt. The
government’s problem is off the books and black budget
spending. A stack of 100 dollar bills were airlifted into
Iraq with no accounting for where they went. Billions of
dollars are spent on weapon systems that do not work and
intelligence agencies that did not prevent the attacks on
the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. At least social
service spending like the food stamps that Washington State
is getting go immediately into our economy and multiple
several times keeping our economy going. -Jeremy
[You are right about that. Several months ago I did a column
in BN about that very story. The gross waste, lack of over-
sight, accountability and...I guess there is no other word
for it...CORRUPTION that has been going on over there is
just disgusting.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————