You know you’re getting your money’s worth out of a wedding
reception when the police have to arrest the groom.

Police in Louisiana said a groom was arrested after his
nephew refused to abide by the dress code of the reception
hall by pulling up his saggy pants.

Kenner police said the officer on detail at the Crystal
Plantation during the wedding reception asked Samuel Lucas,
19, to comply with the dress code — both bride and groom
had to sign a contract promising to observe the dress code
before using the facility — and pull his pants up higher.

Lucas disputed the officer’s assertion that his underwear
was showing.

“I have beaucoup witnesses. All my cousins and everything
said my pants were not sagging,” he said.

Lucas’ father, Walter Lucas, 52, began arguing with the
officer and resisted when the officer attempted to escort
him out of the reception hall. Groom John Lucas, 53,
allegedly grabbed the officer’s arms and tried to prevent
him from retrieving handcuffs from his car.

The police report said Samuel Lucas shouted and cursed at
the officer during the confrontation.

All three men were arrested on charges of disturbing the
peace, while Walter Lucas was also charged with resisting
an officer and the groom was charged with obstruction of
police.

But there is one thing I am confused about…I have been
to a lot of weddings and receptions in a lot of different
venues, and not one of them have been staffed by police.
Is this standard procedure for weddings in Louisiana?

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+———— Even More Bizarre June Holidays ————-+

June 21 is Cuckoo Warning Day

June 22 is National Chocolate Eclair Day

June 23 is National Pink Day

June 24 is Museum Comes To Life Day

June 25 is Log Cabin Day

June 26 is National Chocolate Pudding Day

June 27 is National Columnists Day

June 28 is Paul Bunyan Day

June 29 is Camera Day

June 30 is Meteor Day

***

——– Woman, 70, skydives after heart transplant ——–

VANDALIA, Ill. – A 70-year-old Missouri woman who received
a heart transplant in 2001 said she lived a lifelong dream
by skydiving in Vandalia, Ill. Judy Kaufman of Chesterfield
said she jumped out of a plane at 11,000 feet Sunday at the
Archway Skydiving Center with her husband, two sons and
grandsons looking on from the ground, the St. Louis Post-
Dispatch reported Monday. “It was the most exhilarating
thing I’ve ever done,” Kaufman said after her tandem jump.
Kaufman, who lived with heart disease for 10 years before
receiving her new heart in 2001, said she is not finished
skydiving and hopes to jump with her teenage grandsons as
soon as they are old enough. “People have to know that
transplants give people a second chance to live,” she said.
“I’m living for my donor. I feel it’s my obligation to do
it for her and her family.”

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———– More than 300 tango in Denver park ————-

DENVER – Participants in an annual Argentine tango party
in Denver said more than 300 people danced at the outdoor
event despite rain early in the day. The event, the ninth
annual gathering organized by social group Tango Colorado,
celebrates Argentine tango, which evolved as an improv
street dance inspired by traditional ballroom tango.
Participants told The Denver Post that rains early Sunday
in Denver dampened the outdoor plaza at the city’s Cheesman
Park, but the skies cleared and dancers said the event
went off without a hitch. Bob Stang, president of Tango
Colorado, said nearly half of the people who attended
Sunday’s dance traveled from out of town, and many came
from far-flung states. “With tango, no matter where you
go, you meet a lot of new friends. When you’re traveling,
they teach you where to go, what to do and where to eat,”
Stang said.

——— Alaska man’s beard named world’s best ———–

ANCHORAGE, Alaska – A man with a beard in the shape of a
snowshoe was awarded the top prize during the the 2009
World Beard and Moustache Championships in Anchorage,
Alaska. David Traver, 43, of Anchorage, bested 140 facial
hair-wearing competitors from around the globe to win the
commemorative gold pan and salmon fishing trip reserved
for the man with the world’s coolest beard, the Anchorage
Daily News reported Monday. Traver’s beard featured 20.5
inches of facial hair dyed multiple colors and woven by
beard stylist Ledjha Carson into the shape of a snowshoe.
The beard champion, who also took home the top prize in
the freestyle beard category, said he now plans to shave
his face clean for charity. He said his beard will be
shaved in the name of whoever makes the largest donation
to Covenant House. However, Traver said shaving doesn’t
mean he is done with facial hair. “I’ll probably grow a
mustache,” he said.

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———– Woman sets 4 1/2-hour craps record ————-

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. – A New Jersey woman broke the world
record for shooting dice by throwing the bones 154 times
before she “sevened out,” casino officials said. The
Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa in Atlantic City said Pat
DeMauro, of Morris County, bought into the craps game
for $100 Saturday and held the dice for four hours and
18 minutes, besting the the three-hour, six-minute world
record that has stood unchallenged since May 28, 1989, The
Press of Atlantic City reported Monday. DeMauro said the
record-breaking game was only her second time playing
craps. “I got on a roll and just kept going for about four
and a half hours — and I was learning the game as I went
along,” DeMauro said. “Most of the men that were there
were really excited because I was bringing them good luck.”
DeMauro, who declined to reveal how much money she made
from the game — she said only that “it was a good night”
– said Borgata officials approached her after the end of
the hot streak and treated her and a friend to Dom Perignon
champagne, a free meal and a complimentary stay at the
hotel. Borgata spokeswoman Noel Stevenson said that while
the Guinness Book of World Records does not list dice-
shooting records, such accomplishments are recorded by
several gaming organizations.

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————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

lewis, love your newsletter. it always makes me laugh. the
bizarre holidays are interesting. hmmm june 18… oh no!
i was born on International Panic Day!!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
-aimee

Lewis, June 18 is International Panic Day? Oh my God! What
am I gonna do? Quick, give me some ideas! Help me with this!
What plans should I make? Damn! -Nervous Nellie in Nevada
[You should hook up with aimee...you sound like you were made
for each other. Let me know how things turn out.]

Lewis: Here in Los Angeles there was a man named “Simon Rodia”
(I may have misspelled the name) that went out in his front
yard and built some towers. Beer bottles, old iron bars, junk
etc but now is it a “Public Monument” and brings visitors from
various places. I know the city tried to tear down the towers
but the towers were stronger than the equipment sent to tear
them down. So that is the solution to my yard, it is not Junk
it is “folk art”. -John Meacham
[In that case my garage and basement are full of 'folk art'
according to my wife.]

hi lewis, here in Texas they are “this close” to passing a
law making it LEGAL to carry a concealed weapon on college
campuses. you are the smartest man i know so i wanna know if
you think this idea is as stupid as i think it is? -girliegirl
[I don't know what the laws are in Texas, but in other states
a person must be licensed in order to carry a gun. If you pass
the background checks and the application process I don't see
why a person shouldn't be allowed to carry a gun on a college
campus. All of the maniacs who shoot up schools don't seem to
have any compunction over bringing guns on campus.]

Lewis, Just read your mail about weddings in funeral homes
and cemeteries. I just thought I would mention about the
Forest Lawn Cemetery in Buffalo, NY that has been doing that
for years, They recently opened up a tour called Sunday in
the cemetery. It is very popular. Keep up the good work.
-Fred
[I guess in a way having a wedding in a cemetery is ironically
appropriate.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Nobody really wins in this story, but the lesson to come
away with is never insult a man’s girlfriend’s mother when
you’re drinking in a pub in Ireland…unless, of course,
you either want to get your hand chopped off or get punched
in the face with a bloody stub.

28-year-old Charles Russell of Dublin was remanded in custody
pending sentence after pleading guilty to recklessly causing
Peter Rogers serious harm at The Deputy Mayor Pub.

Apparently Rogers had said something insulting to Russell’s
girlfriend’s mother which led to the attack.

The detective in charge said that Mr. Rogers had been in the
pub with a number of friends that day when he heard someone
shout, “there’s the c**t” before he was struck from behind
with a hammer. This blow came from Russell’s friend who was
then wrestled away by bar staff.

Russell then stepped up and swung a samurai sword at Rogers,
severing his hand. The victim later reported that he did not
notice that he lost his hand, which must have been due to
shock or the 15 pints of Guinness he had been drinking.

Rogers struggled with Russell and at one stage punched the
accused in the face with the stump of his arm. He was finally
restrained by the bar manager but managed to escape and fled
the scene.

A customer picked up the hand and placed it in ice. The victim
was taken to the hospital where he underwent emergency surgery
to re-attach his hand. Ta da!

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+—————– Bizarre Book Titles ——————-+

How to Avoid Huge Ships by John W. Trimmer

Scouts in Bondage by Michael Bell

Be Bold with Bananas by Crescent Books

Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself by Dale L. Power

The Flat-Footed Flies of Europe by Peter J. Chandler

101 Uses for an Old Farm Tractor by Michael Dregni

Across Europe by Kangaroo by Joseph R. Barry

101 Super Uses for Tampon Applicators by Lori Katz and
Barbara Meyer

[HowStuffWorks, Inc.]

***

——– KFC set to fill up potholes and stomachs ———

LOUISVILLE, Ky. – Kentucky Fried Chicken says it will move
beyond filling up patrons’ stomachs, by providing pothole
repair for residents of Louisville, Ky. The fast-food chain
has offered to fill up potholes throughout Louisville in
return for the right to stamp the newly repaired road
hazards with the stencil slogan, “Re-freshed by KFC,”
Advertising Age reported. “This program is a perfect
example of that rare and optimal occurrence when a company
can creatively market itself and help local governments
and everyday Americans across the country,” said Javier
Benito, KFC executive vice president of marketing and food
innovation. Louisville Mayor Jerry Abramson appeared ready
to support the KFC proposal given the budgetary constraints
facing many U.S. cities. “It’s great to have a concerned
corporation like KFC create innovative private/public
partnerships like this pothole refresh program,” the mayor
said in a statement.

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——— Police say fingernails gave away robber ———-

CHELSEA, Mass. – Police in Chelsea, Mass., say a bank
robbery suspect was apprehended after being identified by
her orange fingernail polish. A witness said the woman
who made off with $450 in cash from the Sovereign Bank
Wednesday had nails coated with a bright burnt orange
fingernail polish, The Boston Globe reported. The robber
presented a note demanding money to a teller and left the
scene after the bank employee complied, police said. Thanks
to another witness who wrote down the license plate number
of the fleeing robber’s vehicle, police quickly located
their suspect. After tracing the license plate and locating
the accompanying vehicle, police found their suspect,
Margaret Christie, and her flashy fingernails, the Globe
said.

———- Geographers map 7 deadly sins in U.S. ———–

LAS VEGAS – Geographers have mapped the sinfulness of the
United States, attempting to come up with numbers for each
of the seven deadly sins. Thomas Vought and colleagues
at Kansas State University devised indexes for sloth,
gluttony, lust, greed, wrath, envy and pride, The Las Vegas
Sun reported. Sloth was based on spending per capita on
arts and entertainment compared to the employment rate;
gluttony on fast-food outlets per capita; lust on rates of
sexually transmitted disease; greed on average incomes
compared to the number of people living below the poverty
line; wrath on violent crimes per capita; and envy on
property crimes. The researchers decided that pride is the
master sin and therefore merged the rates of the lesser
sins. Vought presented the findings at the American
Geographers’ meeting Tuesday in Las Vegas, a city some-
times regarded as the sin capital of the United States.
The researchers said the Las Vegas area, Clark County,
beats the rest of Nevada in most sins but ranks third
behind southern gambling centers like Biloxi, Miss., in
pride.

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————- Tennessee could ban saggy pants ————-

NASHVILLE – A bill that would ban low-riding trousers that
expose the wearer’s boxers or briefs in the state of
Tennessee has won approval from a legislative subcommittee.
House Bill 2099, known as the “Saggy Pants Bill,” would
impose fines of up to $1,000 on violators, The Memphis
Commercial Appeal reported. The money would be dedicated
to the purchase of school supplies, including books and
sports equipment. Rep. Karen Camper, a Democrat from
Memphis, accused her colleagues, including Rep. Joe Towns,
a Memphis Democrat who sponsored the bill, of “trying to
legislate fashion.” She said teens would get misdemeanor
records needlessly. “My question to you Mr. Towns is:
What is the demographics you are targeting with this
legislation?” she asked. Towns responded angrily that white
and Hispanic teens as well as blacks have been known to
expose their underwear. “It has nothing to do with
fashion,” he said. “It has to do with decency and hygiene.”
The bill, approved by subcommittee Wednesday, now goes to
the House Judiciary Committee.

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————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Actually, the problem is this question: Why are we giving
OUR money to ANY bank so that they can LOAN it BACK to US
at INTEREST? Me GIVING you a dime so that you can LOAN me
a dime and then me “re-paying” your dime plus a penny seems
VERY foolish to me. And yet, that is exactly what we’re
doing with these “bailouts”! -Tom
[Good point. The only people getting screwed here is the
American tax-payer!]

Lewis, this woman must be a saint to care this much for her
horse – most people would’ve just put the poor animal out
of its misery. A lot of pet owners – myself included – will
spend hundreds of dollars trying to save a beloved pet, but
think how much daily effort and money she must be investing.
Or she may be independently wealthy… and have lackeys…
never mind. yours in bizarreness, Gretchen
[Another thing to consider is that you can sell horse meat.
You can't do that with a dog.]

Hi Lewis, As a former resident of UT, I am familiar with
their liquor laws. The membership fees are a hassle and an
annoyance, but not bad enough that people will leave the
state just to go to the bar. People do cross state lines
to buy booze for home consumption. Sometimes, you just want
“real” beer. (The state liquor stores do have beer that is
stronger than 3.2 percent) Best, Kyle
[They won't be dealing with that any longer. So much for the
boot-legging industry in Utah.]

In regard’s to Lance’s comment “$12 a year for a membership?
Driving to Colorado to avoid paying the membership fee?
Who’s the fool here?” We are talking about a state who’s
top industry is tourism. I skiied Utah once, it was awesome,
but the difficulty in having a varied nightlife due to their
insane laws makes me choose Colorado for future destinations.
-Tim

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

It looks like Utah is finally coming into the 21st century,
and it only took a global recession to do it! After more
than 40 years, some of the strictest – and most bizarre –
liquor laws in the nation are being hustled out the barroom
door, yet another sign that even a state dominated by tee-
totaling Mormons is willing to reconsider decades-old mores
if it helps the economy.

No longer will bartenders be separated from customers by a
glass partition known as a “Zion Curtain.” And patrons won’t
have to join a social club or pay a membership fee before
entering bars.

“Having to pay $5 or $10 to join a club to drink any kind
of alcoholic beverage is absurd,” said Mark Caraway, a San
Diego businessman who travels to Salt Lake City at least
once a month.

Tourists frequently leave bars and restaurants here after
becoming flummoxed at what it takes to get a drink. And the
state’s tourism industry has frequently complained that the
liquor laws send lucrative conventions and skiers fleeing
to neighboring Colorado.

While not technically requiring a license, Utah does require
anyone entering a bar to be a member of the club or a
member’s guest. At most bars, anyone can become a member by
paying a state-ordered fee for a three-week pass that costs
at least $4. An annual membership costs at least $12. And a
separate membership is required at each bar.

If anything, some locals say eliminating the membership
requirement will spare them from sitting out in the cold
waiting for friends to sponsor them, and it should free up
more money.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+——————- Bizarre Sex Laws ——————–+

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with
animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual
relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s
genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them
during the examination. He may only see their reflection
in a mirror.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel
the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them
for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
virgins to marry.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill
her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare
hands. (The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be
killed in any manner desired.)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her
husband, and the first time this happens her mother must
be in the room to witness the act.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have
sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

[From davesdaily.com]

***

———- Police: Robbers robbed while fleeing ———–

MILWAUKEE, Wash. – Milwaukee police said a pair of unlucky
alleged robbers were targeted by another group of thieves
as they fled from a jewelry store. Lt. Thomas Welch said
two men, ages 31 and 40, took money and jewelry from the
store on the south side of the city at about 10:50 a.m.
Wednesday while armed with at least one handgun, and were
confronted by a group of four men as they attempted to
flee, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reported. Welch said
the four men robbed the two original robbers, sparking a
fight that turned into a car chase. He said the two men
who allegedly robbed the jewelry store and two men from
the second group, ages 22 and 27, were arrested. The money
and jewelry were not recovered and police were searching
for additional suspects. He said investigators were look-
ing into whether the two groups of men knew each other
prior to the incident.

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——– Last laugh: Woman cut daughters from will ———

OLDHAM, England – A British woman whose daughters tried to
have her evicted in the 1990s cut her offspring out of her
will, leaving her entire $30,000 to a local hospice. Megan
Swanston, who died in December at age 85, became embroiled
in a family conflict when her three daughters attempted to
have her evicted from her Oldham, England, home in 1994,
The Daily Mail reported. The house had been bequeathed to
Swanston’s daughters by their paternal grandfather when he
died in 1973 but Swanston claimed her children had promised
to let her live out her days in the home. After a two-year
legal battle, the matter was settled out of court with the
house sold to a property company, with the stipulation that
Swanston be allowed to remain the sitting tenant the news-
paper said. However, Swanston and her daughters never
mended their relationship and it was revealed after her
Dec. 4 death that she had cut her daughters out of her
will, The Daily Mail said. The document stated that she
didn’t want any of her money going to the trio because of
the way they had treated her. Swanston’s money instead went
to Dr. Kershaw’s Hospice in Oldham.

————— Strip club plans job fair —————-

PROVIDENCE, R.I. – The office manager of a Rhode Island
strip club says bosses are hoping the state’s unemployment
rate will help them draw in new employees. Lori Savickas,
office manager of the Foxy Lady strip club in Providence,
said the business is holding a job fair Saturday with an
aim to hire 25 people for positions as dancers, managers,
DJs, bouncers and bartenders, the Providence Journal
reported Friday. Savickas said the state’s high unemploy-
ment rate — more than 10 percent — could lead more people
to consider jobs in adult entertainment. “With the way
unemployment is right now, there are a lot of people look-
ing for a job who normally wouldn’t come to the Foxy Lady,”
Savickas said. “They’re just hungry to start working some-
where. They might find out that it is totally different
than they expected.” She said bosses are hoping the
infusion of new blood into the club will help draw in
customers who are being more conservative with their
spending in light of the economic recession. “Everyone
is choosy right now about where they spend their money
because they don’t have the money to spend,” Savickas
said.

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————————————————————

———- Speeder fined despite sneezing defense ———-

DEREHAM, England – A former police officer must pay a
fine for speeding on his motorcycle despite claiming his
actions were caused by a sneeze, a British magistrate says.
Magistrate Margaret Oechsle fined Donald Johnstone, 62,
$223 for going 10 miles above the speed limit in a 30 mph
zone in the county of Norfolk last May, The Mirror said.
“You accept your speed increased and with any speed over
31 mph our sentencing guidelines come into play,” said
Oechsle, who also hit Johnstone with $167 in court costs.
Johnstone had tried to explain away his speeding
indiscretion by blaming it on a fit of sneezing he endured
while motorcycling. “My sneezes tend to be extremely
violent,” he told the court. “And I accept that my speed
must have increased because of the movement of my hands.”
The Mirror said just in case his sneezing defense fell
short, Johnstone also claimed the camera that caught him
speeding wasn’t set at the right angle.

————————————————————
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————————————————————

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Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, You nailed it on the head! I don’t mind helping out
the people who deserve the help. The ones I’m complaining
about are the ones that are being foreclosed on with two
brand new cars in the driveway, 52″ HDTV, all the latest
gadgets (you get the idea) and bought a home that a
reasonable budget wouldn’t cover because the Jones’ home
was 3 square feet smaller.

That has got to be the most disgusting thing I have ever
seen! I’m tempted to go take a scalding hot shower! -Patty
[I know what you mean, Patty, but it wouldn't help much.]

I can just see bringing your wife along and she can pig out
at the buffet while you get laid, yeah right. Good way to
get killed. -squaredancer
[Depends on how liberal your wife is. We are talking about
Germany, here.]

In 1999, the housing industry (Fannie Mae) was forced to
lower their loan requirements, thus allowing more sub-prime
borrowers to acquire a home. This was clearly not a smart
move, like a time bomb, this bad piece of economic drivel
would grow and mushroom during following administrations.
Some simple research reveals who the author of this fiasco
is, and several articles were written at the time that
state clearly this could harm the economy down the road.
But it sure made a lot of people happy at the time! These
same home buyers are now crying the blues, and the rest of
us will suffer for the sub-prime lending habits. -Kris

Originally I thought that video was a spoof on the cult
classic ‘Reefer Madness’ . It was the term ‘420′ that made
me think this, but we did some research and found that the
term ‘420′ actually originated in 1971. It was a term used
by a group of kids that would meet at a statue after
detention in high school. Either way, if they would just
legalize it they could start to pull this country out of
the recession. Think about it. -Dave
[I have a similar feeling. I did a column last year on the
whole hemp controversy. It seems foolish, hypocritical and
wasteful to me.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

I remember parking when I was a teenager. There was a
Lutheran church in my neighborhood that had a very poorly
lit parking lot. More than a few of my dates enjoyed a
detoured via that parking lot before the drive home.

But things have apparently changed to suit a more fast-
paced age. I just read a story online describing the arrest
of a couple, 19 and 20-years-old, who were pulled over for
driving under the influence of alcohol, and also happened
to be naked.

The arresting trooper said a 19-year-old man, who was
driving the car, was cited for being under the influence
of alcohol and embracing while driving. Embracing?

The 20-year-old female passenger was cited for possession
of alcohol after the trooper spotted her trying to place
a wine bottle on the floor of the vehicle.

“There were some acts of physical intimacy going on in the
vehicle that were best saved for not driving down the
freeway,” the trooper said. “We harp on the fact that being
impaired is so dangerous, but being distracted is equally
as dangerous. I can’t think of anything more distracting
than this.”

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+—————– Bizarre Superstitions ——————+

Spilling salt is considered bad luck, probably because
it was once so valuable. Superstition has it a person is
doomed to shed as many tears as it takes to dissolve the
spilled salt.

Evil spirits can’t harm you when you stand inside a circle.

Suspend a wedding band over the palm of the pregnant girl.
If the ring swings in a circular motion it will be a girl.
If the ring swings in a straight line the baby will be a
boy.

A knife as a gift from a lover means that the love will
soon end.

If you use the same pencil to take a test that you used
for studying for the test, the pencil will remember the
answers.

The number of Xs in the palm of your right hand is the
number of children you will have.

You must hold your breath while going past a cemetery or
you will breathe in the spirit of someone who has recently
died.

***

————- Survey: Men would wear heels —————-

BEIJING – A survey conducted by one of China’s most
popular Web sites indicates that many men would wear high-
heels to experience the pains felt by significant others.
The online survey by 163.com attracted more than 3,000
responses, most of which were from men who said they would
wear heels for their wives or girlfriends to demonstrate
their love and understanding, Xinhua, China’s official
government-run news agency, reported Monday. “I am worried
whenever I see my wife wearing high-heeled shoes, because
it seems to hurt so much,” a husband from China’s Guangxi
Zhuang Autonomous Region said. The Web site said the survey
was inspired by U.S. anti-domestic violence movement Walk
a Mile in Her Shoes.

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————– Man ejects intruding kangaroo —————

GARRAN, Australia – An Australian woman said her husband
wrestled a 6-foot-tall kangaroo into a headlock and threw
it out of the family home after it jumped in through a
window.Verity Beman said the marsupial jumped through a
window at about 2 a.m. Sunday and landed on the bed she
shares with her husband, Beat Ettlin, at their Garran,
Australia, home, CNN reported. She said the home is on
the border of a kangaroo reserve. “At first, he (Ettlin)
thought it was a lunatic ninja,” Beman said. “It leaped
through the window, this martial-arts kind of figure. It
was very Jackie Chan.” Beman said they soon discovered the
intruder was a 90-pound kangaroo and it began rampaging
through their home, punching furniture and leaving blood-
stains on the walls. “That’s when his male instinct kicked
in,” Beman said of her husband. Ettlin put the kangaroo in
a headlock, dragged it toward the front door and ejected
it from his home. Beman said her husband, who is originally
from Switzerland, probably would not have confronted the
kangaroo if he had been a native Australian. “They would
be fully aware of the risk,” she said. “I kept marveling
at what he did,” Beman said. “I called him my hero. My
hero in Bonds undies.”

——- Woman, 107, has Disneyland royal treatment ——–

ANAHEIM, Calif. – A woman in Orange County, Calif., said
she was treated like a queen when she visited Disneyland
for her 107th birthday. Margaret Johnstone said after being
announced by a town crier at the famous tourist site, she
received a round of applause while wearing a blinking
princess tiara, The Orange County (Calif.) Register said
Monday. “Hear ye, hear ye,” the unidentified town crier
said Sunday as Johnstone entered Disneyland in her wheel-
chair. “Our princess is 107 years old today!” Johnstone,
who was born in 1902, even got a chance to kiss the site’s
mascot, Mickey Mouse, when she found an employee dressed
as the fictional character in Toontown. But the 107-year-
old, who uses a wheelchair due to arthritis in her knee,
didn’t offer too many tips on her longevity beyond using
Oil of Olay face cream for smooth skin. “Well, I’ve never
believed in eating two starches at the same meal,” she
told the Register.

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——– Coffee taster’s tongue insured for $14M ———

LONDON – A taste tester for Britain’s Costa Coffee said
the company has taken out a $14 million insurance policy
on his tongue. Costa Coffee taster Gennaro Pelliccia said
the company took out the policy with Lloyd’s of London as
it prepares to open a planned 100 new stores during the
year, The Daily Telegraph reported. “In my profession, my
taste buds and sensory skills are crucial,” Pelliccia said.
“My 18 years of experience enable me to distinguish between
thousands of flavors. My taste buds also allow me to
distinguish any defects, which enables me to protect and
guarantee Costa’s unique Mocha Italia blend.” While
competitor Starbucks has been forced to close hundreds of
locations around the world, Costa officials said their
company has thus far avoided any recession-powered downturn
and reported positive sales growth this year. A spokesman
for Glencairn, the Lloyd’s broker handling the policy, said
Pelliccia’s insurance trumps the $4.8 million policy taken
out for singer Bruce Springsteen’s voice. “The taste buds
of a ‘master of coffee’ are as important as the vocal
chords of a singer or the legs of a top model, and this is
one of the biggest single insurance policies taken out for
one person. It shows how valuable Gennaro’s tongue is to
the Costa brand,” the spokesman said.

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Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

After viewing the “Stimulus Packages” reports call it “PORK”!
From my point of view its well beyond just “PORK”. obama
stated there will be changes! Sure enough! “PORK” is no
longer “PORK”, it is officially now the “PIG FARM.” -Richard
[What did you expect?! This is the biggest cookie jar in
American history, and everybody wants their hand in it.]

I guess if you win the Zoo Doo lottery, you can no longer say,
“I never win s**t!” -Matt

Lewis, The Miss Maryland Outdoor Beauty Pagent sounds like a
case of Muskrat Love to me. She must have a beautiful carcass.
-Dean

Lewis, my wife says that ALL married women have three boobs,
now I’m really puzzled. Can you help me out?
[No. The only advice I can give you is not to argue with her.]

Lewis: Why don’t you write about the new American Tea Party.
Everybody should send a teabag to Washington DC to protest
the fact that we’re paying taxes so people who can’t afford
there homes can continue living in them. -Marlene
[I have read about this. It seems a little theatrical to me.
If you want to voice your displeasure (and you should), write
a letter! Let your representatives know exactly what their
bosses think and what they want them to do.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, the soon-to-be ex-governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich,
was just impeached by an overwhelming margin in the state
House, setting up the first instance in Illinois history of
a governor facing trial by the state Senate.

That whole issue has been a real soap opera. And the talking
heads are saying that despite the almost inevitable choice of
resigning, Blago will likely stick it out and force the Senate
to go through the whole messy affair.

In a statement Rod made a few hours after the House voted
114-1 to impeach him, he said it was no surprise. Blagojevich
said his efforts to improve health care and cut property taxes
for Illinois residents are related to his impeachment because
members of the House resisted those moves. According to him
it was not about his using the governor’s office to extort
(allegedly) money and his trying to sell Barak O’bama’s vacant
senate seat.

An impeachment, of course, is only the first stage. It is kind
of like an indictment in criminal law. It formally brings the
charges against a government official. The second stage is the
trial which will determine if the official will then be removed
from office.

There is an interesting and bizarre wrinkle in this story in
that there is no provision in the Illinois constitution to im-
peach a sitting governor. So from one point of view, the whole
process may be illegal! It is conceivable (although not likely)
that the whole thing could eventually be declared invalid by
the supreme court. That, of course, would not stop a criminal
trial which, if successful, could see Blagojevich finish his
term as governor from prison!

How is that for politics?

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+—————– Bizarre Warning Labels —————–+

“This product not intended for use as a dental drill.” –
Found on an electric rotary tool.

“Caution: Do not spray in eyes.” – Found on a can of under-
arm deoderant.

“Do not drive with sunshield in place.” – Found on a card-
board sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

“Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” – Found on a pack-
age of airline peanuts.

“Not intended for highway use.” – Found on a 13-inch wheel
for a wheelbarrow.

“Kills all kinds of insects. Warning: This spray is harmful
to bees.” – Found on a can of insecticide.

“WARNING: Contents flammable.” – Found on a container of
lighter fluid.

“Do not use orally.” – Found on a toilet-bowl cleaning
brush.

“Please keep out of children.” – Found on a butcher knife.

“Warning: Do not use on eyes.” – Found in the manual for a
heated seat cushion.

***

——– Firefighters, equipment covered with ink ———

WOODLAWN, Ohio – Firefighters in Woodlawn, Ohio, said
a large ink mixing machine that was caught in a fire
splattered firefighters and equipment with red ink.
Woodlawn Fire Deputy Chief Dan Ficke said the ink mixer
began spraying while firefighters were battling a small
fire at Flint Inks just prior to 2 a.m. Thursday, the
Cincinnati Enquirer reported. “We lost fire gear and
equipment, plus hoses and our thermal imaging helmet,”
Ficke said. He said the ink damage, which he estimated
will cost about $55,000 to repair, “almost looks like
we massacred somebody.” He said fire departments from
Lockland and Sharonville also each lost about $6,000 in
equipment while helping to fight the fire.

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————————————————————

———- Couple sue over sprinklers at wedding ———–

NEW YORK – A New York couple is suing a hotel after their
wedding ceremony on the building’s lawn was interrupted by
the sprinkler system. Svetlana Orishchenko, 27, and her
husband, Yuriy Orishchenko, 26, filed a $300,000 lawsuit
last week against the Hilton Garden Inn, alleging the
sprinkler system went off during their Aug. 9 wedding —
which they said cost about $20,000 — and drenched their
guests, the New York Daily News reported. “I can’t say
it ruined my wedding. Nothing could have ruined my day,”
Svetlana Orishchenko said. “I felt the worst for my guests.
I had people who were soaked from head to toe.” Hotel owner
Richard Nicotra confirmed the sprinkler incident but said
he offered $5,000 compensation to the couple, who continued
their wedding after the sprinklers shut off. “Ten employees
went out there with towels … we offered to take dresses
to the cleaners, anything,” Nicotra said. “This is black-
mail. They just want a free wedding. They want to take us
to the cleaners.”

———— Water shut off over $2.36 bill ————–

ATLANTA – Atlanta water department officials acknowledge
it was a mistake to cut off service to a former Georgia
lawmaker over a $2.36 balance due on his water bill. Bob
Irvin, the former Republican leader in the Georgia House
of Representatives, said the water at the home he shares
with his wife, Lynn, was shut off at about noon Wednesday
after the couple received a notice in the mail last week
informing them of the outstanding $2.36 due on their
account, WGCL-TV, Atlanta, reported Thursday. Lynn Irvin
said she checked with her bank to be sure her recent checks
for $714.77 and $234.66 went through. She said she tried
to phone Water Department Commissioner Rob Hunter but was
unable to get through Wednesday. However, WGCL-TV said it
was able reach Hunter and the Irvins’ water was turned
back on within 30 minutes. A water department spokeswoman
said the department erred in shutting off the water, as
disconnections are not usually done until a delinquent
bill has reached $50.

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————————————————————

———- ‘Kidney stone’ turns out to be a baby ———–

CARBONEAR, Newfoundland – A Newfoundland woman who went to
a hospital complaining of kidney pain was shocked when she
gave birth to a healthy baby boy soon after. Juanita Stead,
36, was at a New Year’s Eve party when the pain started
and escalated to the point where her husband, Terry, took
her to the hospital in the eastern town of Carbonear for
X-rays, the Carbonear Compass reported. “The technician
looked at me and said, ‘My dear, you’re pregnant with a
full-term baby.’ And I said: ‘No sir, you got the wrong
woman and you’re looking at the wrong screen. There is no
way I’m pregnant,’” Stead told the newspaper. She said her
menstrual period hadn’t stopped, there wasn’t any morning
sickness and she didn’t put on extra weight. Her other
son also made an unexpected arrival on July 30, 2006, at
the couple’s home, Stead said. While she knew she was
seven months pregnant, she was caught off guard. “I felt
like I had to go to the bathroom and out he popped, right
into the toilet,” she said. “Terry actually scooped him
out of the toilet and put him in my lap until the ambulance
came.”

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Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Concerning the space sex and money shot: imagine the feeling
of getting a nut, hitting her with it, and flipping her over
backward from the force. -Don
[I guess, in a zero gravity environment, if she stayed
perfectly still with no other outside forces acting upon her,
yes, that would happen. But I don't recall discussing any-
thing like that in my college physics class.]

Lewis: in regards to your “no money shot” in space sex videos,
could you imagine? “Houston, we have a problem. The controls
are all spooged up.” Talk about humor in the news! -Bill
[What is it with you people and the space money shot? It was
the most popular topic for reader comments this week!]

Did you read about the fellow that supposedly died of wound
inflicted over 34 years ago. Seems now his death has been
ruled a murder. Cops say they will charge someone with murder
if they can find anyone. ONLY in the USA, the home of the
witch hunt. -Harold
[What did the bullet eventually cause...cirrhosis of the liver
or kidney failure?]

$140 heating bill? Dang it hit 82 here on the beach in
Florida and I had to turn on the A/C. My electric bill
going up now to probably $45.
[That's global warming for you.]

Lewis – you wouldn’t want to see a video of space sex due to
a lack of a money shot? Really!?! Interesting… money shots
turn Lewis’ crank. Gotcha. -Jamie
[If you want to learn a lot more about that send an email to
my personal address (provided this is a woman!).]

Hi Lewis: How in the heck can a man dangle on one ski and
boot and have his pants and underwear off. It takes two
feet and legs to lose your clothing. Am I wrong? -Isabel.
[You sound like a woman who knows a lot about what it takes
to get a man's pants off.]

Happy Holidays, folks! I hope everyone is planning a fun and
safe New Years Eve. Remember, friends don’t let friends drive
drunk, click it or ticket, beer before liquor never sicker,
liquor before beer never fear, always split aces and eights,
an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, when the
going gets tough the tough get going, no glove no love, and
that’s never going to heal if you don’t stop picking at it.

But seriously, folks, this is our last issue of the year,
and what a year it has been. We’ve covered a lot of issues
and had some spirited debates, but it has all been done in
a spirit of community, and that is what Bizarre News is all
about. That and having a good laugh at the expense of others.

Since the office is actually closed this week and I’m writing
this ahead of time, I have included some classic material for
your enjoyment today.

Your next issue of Bizarre News will be on Saturday, January
3, so enjoy the holiday, stay safe, and I will talk to you all
next year!

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+———– More Bizarre Holidays In January ————+

January 11 is National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your
Friend Day

January 12 is Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day

January 13 is Make Your Dream Come True Day and Blame
Someone Else Day

January 14 is National Dress Up Your Pet Day

January 15 is Hat Day

January 16 is Hot and Spicy Food International Day and
National Nothing Day

January 17 is Blessing of the Animals at the Cathedral Day

January 18 is Winnie the Pooh Day

January 19 is National Popcorn Day

January 20 is National Buttercrunch Day

***

————— Couples seek sex in space —————–

SANTA FE, N.M. – Virgin Galactic, a New Mexico space
tourism company, said it has received several requests
from couples seeking to be the first to have sex in space.
Will Whitehorn, president of the company, said the approach
of Virgin’s first planned space tourism flight, which is
expected to take place in 2009, has led to many curious
couples asking the company about sex in sub-orbital zero
gravity, The Telegraph reported Thursday. “We’ve had a
variety of people inquire about it,” Whitehorn said of
space sex. “One got in touch about a charter flight so
they could be the first to have intercourse in space and
get in the Guinness Book of Records.” Dr. James Logan, an
expert in space medicine, said the zero gravity portion of
the first space tourism flights will last only five minutes,
leaving very little time for intercourse. He said couples
would likely find sex without gravity to be more trouble
than it’s worth. “Sex in zero gravity would more or less
be a flailing exercise quite frankly,” he said. “Sex in
Martian gravity might be pretty appealing though.”

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————————————————————

——— Man denied request to wear short skirt ———-

CLINTON, La. – A professional landscaper in Louisiana who
suffers from painful heat rash said he was denied a request
to wear a short skirt because it’s against the law. Jay
Herrod’s request was turned down after he explained his
situation to the Clinton Board of Aldermen at a town
meeting Wednesday, WAFB-TV, Baton Rouge, reported. “It’s
very painful. It’s easy for somebody to point their finger
at me and judge me, but honestly, if you went through what
I went through, you would do it too,” Herrod said. Herrod
reportedly can often be seen in the summer wearing a small
green skirt while mowing lawns around town. He says the
short skirt lessens his pain, which is worsened by sweat
build-up. Officials said Herrod’s short skirt goes against
a city law barring anyone from sagging their pants or
exposing themselves. The board told Herrod they would
reconsider his request when he could provide a doctor’s
note.

——– Survey says: Churchill walked on moon ———-

LONDON – A third of elementary school students confused
Sir Winston Churchill with moon-walking astronaut Neil
Armstrong, a British survey found. The survey, commissioned
by Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment and the Royal
Astronomical Society, found that a third of children ages
4 to 10 mixed up the British leader with the first man to
set foot on the moon, London’s Daily Telegraph reported
Thursday. “It’s a bit of a worry to find that children
don’t know who the first man on the moon is, let alone
that they don’t know who led the country to victory in
the Second World War,” said Gavin Quirk, a Disney brand
manager. A similar survey of British teens in February
reportedly showed that 25 percent believe Churchill was a
fictional character.

————————————————————
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————————————————————

——— Coffin painted like Pabst beer can ———–

SOUTH CHICAGO HEIGHTS, Ill. – A South Chicago Heights,
Ill., man who says he wants his death to reflect his
life has purchased a casket designed to look like a huge
can of his favorite beer. Bill Bramanti, 67, said the
casket, for which he paid $2,000 to have decorated like
a giant can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, was designed to
function as a beverage cooler until its owner is ready
to be put into the grave, the Southtown Star of Tinley
Park, Ill., reported Monday. “I’m going to use it as a
cooler until I really need it,” Bramanti said. “You see,
I’m going to get my money’s worth. Hopefully I get to
use it many times.” Bramanti said he revealed the unusual
coffin to his family during a mock-wake at his house. He
said the event featured family members drinking cans of
Pabst from the ice-filled casket. “I wouldn’t expect
anything less for my dad,” said Bramanti’s daughter,
Cathy, 42. “He’s a man that loves to entertain. He likes
it when people are happy. This is what he does.”

————————————————————
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————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

What the $#!*!!!! Where are the reader comments? Don’t
worry, folks. I’ll will get to them just as soon as I get
back from the holiday break. So, keep sending me your
wonderful and insightful observations.

If you’re going to shoot a deer, make sure it’s dead before
you think about dressing it or you might end up like Randy
Goodman.

The Missouri deer hunter said a vengeful buck got back on
its feet after being shot and attacked him with its antlers.

Goodman said he shot the buck once in its broadside and
once in its neck before climbing down from his tree stand
to inspect what he thought was a lifeless corpse. Goodman
grabbed one of the nine-point, 240-pound buck’s antlers to
inspect his kill and suddenly the large deer jumped back to
its feet and started attacking him with its antlers.

“It was 15 seconds of hell,” Goodman said of the attack.

I’m sure it wasn’t much fun for the deer either.

He said the deer eventually fled and fell down again about
30 yards away. Goodman said he walked back to his tree
stand, retrieved his gun and put two more in the buck’s neck
to ensure it wouldn’t get up again.

Goodman drove his car back toward the road and called his
brother and his son, who was hunting nearby, for help. He
was taken to the emergency room, where he received seven
staples in the left side of his scalp and doctors told him
he had suffered a concussion.

The deer was reported to be delicious.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+————— Bizarre December Holidays —————-+

December 21 is Look At The Bright Side Day, National
Flashlight Day, National French Fried Shrimp Day, and
Hamburger Day

December 22 is National Date-Nut Bread Day

December 23 is Roots Day

December 24 is National Egg Nog Day

December 25 is National Pumpkin Pie Day

December 26 is National Whiners Day

December 27 is National Fruitcake Day

December 28 is Card Playing Day and National Chocolate Day

December 29 is Pepper Pot Day

December 30 is Festival Of Enormous Changes At The Last
Minute and National Bicarbonate Of Soda Day

December 31 is Unlucky Day

***

———– Woman sues over faulty toilet seat ————-

ALLENTOWN, Pa. – A New Jersey woman has filed a lawsuit
against a Pennsylvania bar, claiming that a faulty toilet
seat caused her to fall into the commode. Kathleen Hewko
of Delran claims she still suffers from a back injury
inflicted by the fall at Starters in Lower Saucon Township,
The Allentown Morning Call reports. She is seeking $150,000
from the bar and Kohler Co., the toilet’s manufacturer.
Her husband, John, is asking for $75,000 for loss of
consortium. Her lawyer, John D. Cirrinicione of
Philadelphia, said Hewko yelled for help but was finally
able to free herself when no one responded. He said she
is of moderate weight and the problem was clearly a
defective seat.

————————————————————
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————————————————————

——— Library display shows Santa’s grisly end ———

OBERLIN, Ohio – A public library in Oberlin, Ohio, has a
holiday display that features a legless Santa Claus being
pushed down the stairs by a sadistic Christmas tree.
Conceptual artist Keith McGuckin, who created the Oberlin
Public Library display, created a narrative to accompany
the image that explains Santa’s legs were destroyed by an
alcohol-fueled incident involving power lines, and the tree
pushing St. Nick’s wheelchair down a flight of stairs plans
to visit a strip club with the money he took from Santa’s
Salvation Army kettle, The (Elyria, Ohio) Chronicle-
Telegram reported. The artist said authorities would rule
the jolly elf’s death an accident. McGuckin, who raised
controversy in previous years with Christmas displays
featuring Nazi gingerbread men and drug-smuggling elves,
said he does not expect his latest work of art to prove
any less provocative. “I think a lot of people will be
upset about a legless Santa,” he said. Library director
Darren McDonough said the display will remain in place for
the holiday season. “Remember the old library saying —
‘If we don’t have something to offend you, we’re not doing
our job,’” McDonough said.

——— Teen on lonely voyage around the world ———-

THOUSAND OAKS, Calif. – A teenager from Thousand Oaks,
Calif., is lonely as he attempts to sail around the world,
his mother says. Marianne Sunderland said her son, Zac,
was forced to celebrate both Thanksgiving and his 17th
birthday alone on his 36-foot sailboat while trying to
become the youngest person to sail around the world all
alone, the Los Angeles Times said Thursday. Zac is thankful
for the relatively calm weather he has enjoyed to date,
his mother said. “Zac is well and entering the danger zone
as far as weather off of Africa,” she said. “So far he has
had pretty light winds and so though he’s not making great
progress, he is happy to not be getting his butt kicked.”
Sunderland said in a Thanksgiving Day blog that everyone
who has supported Zac, who is now beyond the halfway point
of his journey, deserved special holiday thanks, the Times
said. “On behalf of Zac and the entire Sunderland family
we thank you all for supporting and encouraging all of us
in this endeavor,” she said.

————————————————————
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———— 3-foot snake causes printer to jam ————

GOLD COAST, Australia – A man in the Australian town of
Lismore says a snake more than 3 feet long was living
inside a computer printer and caused the device to
malfunction. Denis Matthews said the snake was found
inside a Friends of the Lismore Rainforest Botanic Gardens
printer, the Gold Coast Bulletin reported in its Thursday
edition. “When I used a long pointer to encourage the
snake to move, it reluctantly came out through the front,
under the monitor screen and round the back of the computer
case,” Matthews said. Matthews was able to remove the snake
from the printer used by the group, for which his wife
Marie serves as publicity officer, but the creature appears
to have found its way back. Matthews said a number of
displaced objects have been found on the room’s shelves,
leading him to suspect the snake may be living somewhere
inside the room. The snake appears to be a nocturnal brown
tree snake, a species known to be venomous and very
aggressive if confronted, Matthews said.

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————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Hey Lewis, Have you noticed a lot more of your stories now
originate in Florida? Living in Mouse-Town East I have to
say there are a lot of very bizarre people down here! Seems
like Florida is becoming the “new Alabama”. -Marty
[Alabama is probably just leaking.]

That Chinese contortionist chick was fantastic. Whomever
rated it a 2, has their head up their @$$! -D.S.
[That chick almost did, too!]

Hey Lewis, This is in reply to Tink and her question about
going back to school. I am longer in the tooth than she
is and I did it. I graduate in May with a Bachelors, GO
ME! Besides, if she does decide to go back to school,
they will teach her how to capitalize proper nouns when
she writes, it’s a win win situation. -Nikki
[Busted.]

Lewis, are you kidding?!? Just about ALL of my college
education was wasted! I have a BA in Business Admin with
a computer option and my current job as Software Tech
Support for last 15 years was gotten because of Customer
Service skills I got from McDonald’s. College is a great
place to waste money. If tink is serious about quick ed-
ucation, have her check out local technical schools or
government education centers. -James
[I should revise my statement a bit. I think expanding
one's mind, horizons and skills is never wasted. If you
spend $60k a year in college learning basket-weaving that's
your own look-out. And if your boss hired you as a software
tech support rep because of your experience at McDonald's
you might want to suggest that he or she stop using crack,
although that might jeopardize your job.]

The mention of an urn with a baseball and plate gave me a
great product idea, which I will pass on to you. How about
an urn in the shape of a dildo, so you can continue to
please her even after you pass on?
[This person wisely did not attach a name to his or her
email.]

I Don’t Remember That Title.