There is an old saying that goes…the most frightening
thing a person can hear is, ‘I’m from the government and
I’m here to help.’ The government is famous for world class
screw ups, and while this one may not be world class, I
think we could all see this one coming a mile away.

The first story came out last week. An 83-year-old Maryland
man said he was shocked to receive a federal stimulus check
addressed to his mother, who’s been dead since 1967.

Social Security Administration officials said the mid-June
deadline for mailing out the checks does not leave enough
time for thorough examinations of the program’s records.
They said an estimated 10,000 of the 52 million checks that
have been mailed out were addressed to deceased people.

And just today I saw a story on myfoxny.com that pretty
much said the same thing. In their story, Antoniette
Santopadre of Valley Stream was expecting a $250 stimulus
check, but when her son finally opened it, they saw that
the check was made out to her father, Romolo Romonini, who
died in Italy 34 years ago. He’d been a U.S. citizen when
he left for Italy in 1933, but only returned to the United
States for a seven-month visit in 1969.

The feds blame a rushed schedule, because all the checks
have to be cut by June. The strange thing is, some of the
checks were made out to people — like Romonini — who were
never even part of the Social Security system.

So apparently there are so many holes in the system that
dead people from Italy are drifting in. That should make
you feel confident!

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+———————- Bizarre Laws ———————-+
FLORIDA

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer,
as can the salon owner.

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting
on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking
fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a
swimsuit.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM on Thursdays.

Oral sex is illegal.

You may not kiss your wife’s breasts.

Horse theft is still punishable by hanging.

***

——— Blagojevich shampoo is ‘Bleep’n Golden’ ———-

ELK GROVE, Ill. – An Illinois company is marketing hair
care products inspired by and named after disgraced former
Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Dennis Fath of Delta Laboratories in
the Chicago suburb of Elk Grove said he “woke up in the
middle of the night” with the idea for “Blago It’s Bleep’n
Golden Volumizing Shampoo and Conditioner,” WMAQ-TV,
Chicago, reported Thursday. “He does have a nice head of
hair, and (I thought) it would be funny to have something
named after him because of his hair,” Fath said. Fath said
the shampoo and conditioner sell for $8 each, or $15 for a
set of both. He said the products, which are only available
at blagohair.com, have so far sold fewer than 100 bottles.

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——— Coupon: $1 million off condo purchase ———-

PALM BEACH, Fla. – A Florida real estate broker said he
has been distributing coupons for $1 million off the price
of a condo to help sell a luxury Palm Beach property.
Rusty Gulden said the coupons he had printed in the Palm
Beach Daily News, which expire May 31, offer to reduce
the price of a 2,000-square-foot unit at the Sun & Surf
condo in Palm Beach from $3.7 million to $2.7 million,
the Palm Beach Post reported Thursday. Gulden said the
coupon is aimed at helping him move the property despite
the current state of the luxury housing market. “The
volume is significantly off — you don’t need a Ph.D.
in finance to know that,” Gulden said. He said the coupon
has generated a lot of interest in the unit. “I’ve been
busier than a one-armed paper hanger showing it,” he said.

——— Man accused of biting another man’s ear ———-

KENOSHA, Wis. – Police in Wisconsin said a man was arrested
for allegedly biting off part of another man’s ear during
an argument that turned into a physical confrontation.
Kenosha police said Antoine Parks was arrested early Monday
morning at the home of the 30-year-old victim, who was
taken to Froedtert Hospital in Wauwatosa, Wis., for surgery
to repair his ear, the Kenosha News reported Thursday. The
victim told police that Parks is a relative of his girl-
friend and had been staying at their home. He said Parks
became angry after he was asked to leave and attacked him
with a hammer while the two men were packing Parks’ belong-
ings. Police said the victim attempted to defend himself
with a screwdriver and Parks bit part of the man’s ear off
during the ensuing struggle. Parks initially surrendered
to police but was stunned with a Taser while trying to flee
moments later. He charged with suspicion of mayhem and
resisting arrest. Police in Appleton, Wis., also issued a
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————————————————————
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———- California crash victim lands in tree ———–

SACRAMENTO – Firefighters say a woman was hurled high into
a tree after a car crash on a Sacramento freeway, and
survived the accident. “The female passenger had been
ejected from the car and thrown up and over the sound wall
which is about 12 feet high,” a fire department report
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actually cushioned her fall, which enabled her to survive.”
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- one on the ground and another stuck in a plum tree. The
woman’s husband, who had been driving, apparently was able
to get around the high wall, despite serious injures, to
try to help his wife. A resident, Sarah Rochan, told KOVR-
TV in Sacramento: “That was the Lord. It wasn’t her time
to go.”

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————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
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Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Dear Lewis..Just wanted to comment on Marty’s comment in
the last issue. Shellac is actually traditionally made
from beetles, not petroleum. so its 100% natural. The
veggie car- while still being a bad idea- would be good
to go! -Katie
[Bad news for Paul and Ringo.]

…that commented on the veggie car: “put some shellac
(made of those nasty petroleum products) or other pre-
servative on it” That shellac is 100% organic, made from
secretions from the Lac bug mixed into alcohol (usually
methanol, wood alcohol, but it could be ethanol, grain
alcohol, too). It’s natural, water-proof and edible.
-Mr. Bill
[Wow. There seems to be a lot of shellac experts on the
list.]

“…body modification enthusiast”? Is that the same thing
as the old freak shows where you could pay a quarter to
see a weird woman known as the Tattooed Lady? And you were
allowed to make comments about her intellectual prowess?
[Yes. Yes, it is.]

“It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have
less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.” Man!
Arizona;s pretty harsh, forcing every adult to have at least
1 missing tooth. -Ather
[If you can't afford to have a tooth removed you can go to
any police station in Arizona and a cop with knock one out
for you free of charge with the butt of his pistol.]

You’re only allowed 2 dildos in Arizona?! What woman in her
right mind would want more than 2 husbands anyway? -Beth
[Sounds like you have a happy marriage. Does your husband
drink a lot?]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

I have to share this story I just read with you. I’m like
Indiana Jones when it comes to snakes. I just can’t handle
them…and when I read this it totally freaked me out.

A St. Petersburg, Florida man received a rude awakening
earlier this week when he lifted the lid on his toilet and
found a snake curled inside, with its head sticking out of
the bowl!

It turns out the slippery stow-away was a 6-foot African
rock python. Experts said the serpent is just a baby, as
African rock pythons get as big as 20 feet long or longer.

The man even called his boss and told him he’d be late
because he’d had to wrestle a snake out of his toilet. His
boss joked he would need a better excuse than that. So he
brought the snake into work with him.

You don’t get to use an excuse like that every day!

So for the last four days I’ve been checking the toilet
religiously every time I go into the bathroom. The wife
thinks I’m nuts since it’s winter here in the Chicago area.
But you only have to be wrong once!

Bizarrely,

Lewis
————————————————————

+—————– Bizarre Doctors’ Notes —————–+

[These are actual notes taken from patient charts.]

“The patient complains of a dry cough that hurts when he
coughs and also when he takes deep breaths for 4 days.”

“While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent
home.”

“Patient had waffles for breakfast, and anorexia for
lunch.”

“The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis
which goes to his feet.”

“Patient was alert and unresponsive.”

“Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.”

“The patient has no past history of suicides.”

“The patient left the hospital feeling much better except
for her original complaints.”

“Patient has left his white blood cells at another
hospital.

“The other foot has the missing toe.”

***

———– Man finds coin lost for 102 years ————

LONDON – A British man said he has found a gold sovereign,
worth about $222, that was lost on his farm more than 100
years ago. Alan Booton, 64, said he heard a story about a
previous occupant of the Greatham, England, farm losing
the coin, which was a gift for his daughter’s wedding, in
1907, The Times of London reported Monday. Booton said he
found the lost coin with the help of metal detecting
enthusiast John Forster. He said the coin bears the image
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——— Man solves Rubik’s Cube after 26 years ———–

PORTCHESTER, England – A Rubik’s Cube enthusiast in Britain
said he has finally solved his puzzle after struggling with
it for 26 years. Graham Parker of Portchester, England,
said he first bought his Rubik’s Cube in 1983 and has since
spent more than 27,400 hours struggling with the colored
cube puzzle, The Daily Telegraph reported. “I cannot tell
you what a relief it was to finally solve it. It has driven
me mad over the years — it felt like it had taken over my
life,” Parker said. “I have missed important events to stay
in and solve it and I would lay awake at night thinking
about it. “When I clicked that last bit into place and each
face was a solid color I wept,” he said. Ray Hodgkin, a
representative of the World Cube Association, the governing
body for Rubik’s cube competitions, said Parker’s struggle
with the puzzle may be the longest on record. “I am
impressed by Graham’s dedication — the Rubik’s Cube can
be a very frustrating thing. The WCA would like to
congratulate him on his achievement,” he said. Hodgkin is
easily no threat to break the world record for solving a
Rubik’s Cube, held by Erik Akkersdijk of the Netherlands,
who finished the puzzle in 7.08 seconds, the newspaper
said.

——— Cadbury warns milk chocolate has milk ———–

LONDON – A British chocolate maker said a new warning
label will inform consumers of milk content in milk
chocolate, even though “milk” is in the candy’s name.
Cadbury said the famous Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate bar
– which lists milk first on the ingredients list and
explains that the bars contain “the equivalent of three
quarters of a pint of fresh liquid milk in every half
pound of milk chocolate” — will soon bear an additional
message reading “CONTAINS: MILK,” Sky News reported. A
spokesman for Cadbury said the warning is aimed at
complying with laws that govern the presence of allergens
in food. However, Moira Austin, helpline manager for the
Anaphylaxis Campaign food allergy support group, said
Cadbury is merely “stating the blindingly obvious.” “The
law requires manufacturers to list allergens if they are
an ingredient. It does not require these additional
warnings,” she said.

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———- Woman, 107, not giving up on love ———–

CHONGQING, China – A 107-year-old woman in the Chinese city
of Chongqing says she is looking to get married for the
first time in her life. Wang Guiying said at her advanced
age she is growing increasingly concerned that time is
running out on her chance at finding a husband, The Sun
(Britain) reported Monday. “I’m already 107 and I still
haven’t got married,” Wang said. “What will happen if I
don’t hurry up and find a husband?” Wang said finding an
ideal mate would also allow her to become less of a burden
to her family members, who she says have their own familial
concerns to focus on. “My nephews and nieces are getting
older and their children are already tied up with their own
families and I am becoming more and more of a burden,” she
said. The Sun said Wang does have at least one prerequisite
for a potential hubby. She requires any potential suitors
to be at least 100 years old.

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————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

So you ask “What is it with you people and the space money
shot?” Well, a bit back you were suprised with how large a
gay following/readership you had, aren’t gay men supposedly
obsessed with That? -One of many Dave’s who read Bizarre News
[When I said I had a large gay following I met a 300-pound
guy named Bruce who won't leave me alone.]

One of the weirdest parts of this story is this. Now that
the Governor has been impeached by the House, the next step
in the process is that the Senate needs to be called to
session in order to hold a trial. Guess whose job it is to
call the Senate into session? The Governors… I was quite
unimpressed by the reasons found for impeachment of this
particular character (Gov. Blag)…. The first one was that
he went around the Legislators in getting Rx drugs to be
purchased by the State from a pharmacy in Canada, in direct
defiance of an FDA ban on the practice. Doing what he did
allowed him to keep a campaign promise: to get Rx for IL low
income citizens at a reasonable price and at a substantial
savings to the taxpayers in instances where the taxpayers
are picking up the tab. How is this an impeachable event?
[I think law-makers are more concerned with the millions of
dollars he (allegedly) extorted and the fact that he tried
to sell a U.S. congressional seat.]

Oh great. Space sex in the news. You know if they go through
with this, there’s going to be a big uproar about why NASA is
discriminating against gays or interracial couples or trans-
vestites, etc.. “Everyone deserves an equal right to have sex
in orbit!” -Justin
[If you could get a gay couple to qualify as astronauts I'm
sure they would be considered. But then NASA would need to
develop space lube.]

Is “Barak O’bama’s” Irish? Just wondering. -Amy O’Gallagher.
[He could be. He's certainly not black.]

If the IL impeachments are illegal, will they have to impeach
themselves for illegal impeaching? What if that’s illegal?
Must they now impeach themselves for illegally impeaching over
an illegal impeachment?
[In an effort not to misinform my readers I did a little more
research and DID find a provision in the Illinois constitution
for impeachment. Apparently the article I read earlier did not
have it right. It is just that it has never happened before.]

There are flowers, wine, romantic little gifts, or if you’re
in Alabama there is Jack Daniels and porn. There are a lot
of ways a man can get a woman to sleep with him…but ap-
parently only in Florida is this method used.

Authorities said a Fort Myers, Florida man was arrested after
he allegedly shot himself in the arm because his girlfriend
refused to have sex.

Jonathon Guabello, 29, was treated for the gunshot wound and
then booked into the Lee County Jail on charges of threatening
violence and firing a weapon in an occupied dwelling.

Guabello’s 24-year-old girlfriend said the suspect had been
under the influence of Xanax and alcohol when he became en-
raged at her refusal of his sexual overtures. She said she
took her dog with her into a spare bedroom and she heard two
gunshots several minutes later.

The girlfriend said Guabello told her he would kill her if
she dialed 911, and then stumbled into the kitchen where he
was knocked unconscious when he tripped and hit his head on
the oven door.

Lee County Sheriff’s deputies said Guabello had incurred two
gunshot wounds to his arm. And no, his girlfriend did not
have sex with him.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+—————- Bizarre Holidays Part 3 —————–+
October

October 21 is Babbling Day

October 22 is National Nut Day

October 23 is National Mole Day

October 24 is National Bologna Day

October 25 is Punk For A Day Day

October 26 is Mule Day

October 27 is Sylvia Plath Day

October 28 is Plush Animal Lover’s Day and National
Chocolate Day

October 29 is Hermit Day

October 30 is National Candy Corn Day

October 31 is National Magic Day and Increase Your Pyschic
Powers Day

***

——– Man kills 19-foot python to rescue dog ———-

KUCHING, Malaysia – A Kuching, Malaysia, man said he
killed a 19-foot python by clubbing it with a piece of
wood and dragging it after it tried to kill his dog.
Aleson Mangga said he, his young sons and his dog were
tapping rubber Sunday when he heard the canine barking
wildly after running into a bush, The Borneo Post
reported Monday. Mangga said he ran to the bush and
grabbed a piece of wood after seeing the massive snake
beginning to coil itself around the dog. He said he
clubbed the snake repeatedly on its head until it gave
up its grip on the dog, then Mangga and his sons tied
rattan strips around the snake’s neck and dragged it
more than a mile back to their home, where it soon died
from its injuries. Mangga said he plans to sell the
python carcass to a friend.

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——– Practice makes perfect for Scrabble champ ———

LONDON – The new champion of Britain’s National Scrabble
Championship says he has been working toward the accomplish-
ment for 34 years. Allan Simmons, 51, said after winning
the final of the 37th annual British Scrabble tournament
that more than three decades of practice helped him defeat
fellow finalist, 27-year-old Craig Beevers, The Daily
Telegraph said Monday. “I have had many more years
experience playing than him and it’s so hard to get to the
final, so I thought I had to go for it but I think there
were points where I was a bit cautious and did not take my
chances,” Simmons said after Sunday’s event. “At a normal
tournament I think I would have been a bit more relaxed.”
Simmons, who is ranked seventh among competitive Scrabble
players in Britain, told The Daily Telegraph the tournament
win and its grand prize of $1,740 was a dream come true.
“It’s the peak of one’s playing career,” he said. The
Telegraph said Simmons won the final decisive game in the
match with the word “sheering.”

——- Man named Fox attacked by fox, crashes car ——–

DOVER, Tenn. – A Tennessee man named Tommy Fox crashed his
car while contending with an attack from a real fox whose
tail he intended to cut off, authorities say. After the
Dover man struck a red fox that had dashed in front of his
sport utility vehicle last week, he said he thought the
animal was dead so he retrieved it from the roadway,
planning to cut off its tail for a souvenir, a state
wildlife official told Gannett Tennessee. Fox said the
animal regained consciousness in the back seat of his SUV
and attacked him, causing him to lose control of the
vehicle and flip it over into a ditch. Records indicated
Fox was treated for minor injuries at the scene by
Montgomery County, Tenn., paramedics. The fox was found
dead in the vehicle, but Tennessee Wildlife Resources
Agency wildlife officer Dale Grandstaff said it wasn’t
clear if it had died from the initial collision or from
the rollover. Gannett Tennessee said it was not known if
Fox got to keep the fox tail.

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——- Dog returned to owners after 425-mile trek ——–

ATLANTA – A Georgia family whose Golden Retriever
disappeared Dec. 23 said they were stunned to learn their
pet had traveled 425 miles to Florida. Liz Carter says
the microchip planted under the skin of 7-year-old Pepper
alerted a St. Petersburg, Fla., veterinarian to the fact
that Pepper was a long, long way from home, The Atlanta
Journal-Constitution reported Monday. It seems Pepper
wandered into Jay Getman’s travel agency one afternoon
last month and Getman took him to a vet to be checked out.
The Carter family said they had given up hope of seeing
see Pepper again and had even adopted another dog. When
Carter got the call from Getman she said she was stunned
that Pepper had traveled all the way to St. Petersburg
from Buckhead, Ga. “I was speechless,” Carter told the
Journal-Constitution. “I didn’t know what to do first.”
Carter drove to Florida and took Pepper home.

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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

After telling my wife the story about PETA and the Ben and
Jerry’s improbable use of human breast milk to make ice
cream, she exclaimed, “How about Booby Fruitti!?” -Michael
[That's my kind of girl, Michael.]

Lewis, You forgot national Nude Vacuum Day on Oct. 9th.  I
am a mailman and enjoy this national holiday when women
vacuum their homes in the nude.  Makes delivering all those
packages worth while!

Lewis, You are soo damned funny! Keep up the great comments!
I wish I had your quick wit, I’d never have a boring day,
lol! At least  the days I receive Bizzare news are never
boring..WTG! -Jan
[How can you be bored on Nude Vacuum Day with voyeuristic
mailmen staring at you through the windows?]

Lewis, I have two views on the bat corpse coffee. One, as I
suspected, coffee drinkers will drink anything with caffeine
in it, they don’t care what it tastes like. Two, if (as was
apparently the case) the lady couldn’t taste anything dif-
ferent about her coffee, why did she make a big fuss after
finding out about the bat? What better way to get that wake
up in the morning than a nice cup of bat coffee juice? I bet
she was awake after that….

hello Lewis, First you get me laughing at the guy in Mukwonago
who used a lighter to check his gas siphoning progress, then
you get me hopeful with that fold-away bathroom invention (I
SO need that!) then I see “FUZZY SOCKS”. So cheap and so soft.
You did it again Lewis. I have 4 pairs of fuzzy socks on order.
I hate when i do that.
[That's what we're here for...cheap laughs and fuzzy socks.]