Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Every parent…well…most every parent at some point has
to have that uncomfortable talk with their kids about where
babies come from at some point. Or there is my father’s
method of taking me to the zoo during mating season when I
was thirteen.

But this is an issue 36-year-old California mother Alana
Sanders and her husband will not have to deal with. At least
not with her two older children, because Faith and Jabari
Sanders, ages 11 and 9 years, delivered their mom’s new baby
for her.

“I never thought that something like this could happen,”
said Faith, a fifth-grader. “Usually, nothing happens every
day. It’s the same-old, same-old. But this time something
new and exciting happened.”

That morning Alana thought that new and exciting thing was
going to be a bowel movement. Hey, we all get excited by
different things. But when Alana sat down she realized some-
thing else was about to come out.

Alana Sanders told her son to call 911, then she told Faith
to call her father to tell him to come home, but things were
moving too fast. Alana was still standing by the toilet when
after only one push, 9 pounds and 4 ounces of baby Joseph
came out.

The kids talked things over with the 911 dispatcher, got
towels and even tied the umbilical cord.

9 year-old Jabari will have something to talk about for the
rest of his like. “I thought it was kind of cool and weird
because he was born in a bathroom.”

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

————————————————————

+——————– Bizarre Video ——————–+

Elderly Asian Man with the World’s Longest Hair

His name is Tran Van Hay. And his hair? Well, it’s a bit
long. So long, in fact, that he has to wrap it up in a
turban for travel. In 2004, Hay’s hair measured in at an
incredible 6.2 meters, or 20 roughly feet.

Watch It Now: http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=13938

————————————————————

———— Police visit wrong house 50+ times ————

NEW YORK – New York police said they were trying to learn
why officers have visited an elderly couple’s home more
than 50 times seeking suspects the couple had never met.
Walter Martin, 83, and his wife, Rose, 82, said police
have knocked on their door up to 75 times since 2002 and
each time said they were seeking a suspect or key witness
in crimes including robbery, murder and rape, the New York
Daily News reported. “Our identity theft squad is investi-
gating the matter,” police spokesman Ed Mullen said. The
Martins said they had never heard of any of the suspects
until police came to their door. “I’m really worried,”
Rose Martin said. “How could so many people get my address
and how could cops be coming from so many different
precincts?”

————————————————————

———- Man arrested for hitting door with hoe ———-

ST. LUCIE, Fla. – Florida authorities said an 80-year-old
man was arrested for attacking his neighbors’ door with a
garden hoe because he thought they stole his cookies. The
St. Lucie County Sheriff’s Office said the St. Lucie
residents called 911 Sunday and reported they were awakened
by a “loud banging at the door” that turned out to be
neighbor Gene Edward Chambers hitting the door with a
garden hoe, TCPalm.com reported Thursday. Chambers told a
deputy who arrived at the scene that he first knocked on
the door then fetched the garden hoe when there was no
answer. He accused his neighbors of sneaking into his
house during the night and stealing seven boxes of “Little
Debbie Oatmeal Cookies.” A deputy who searched Chambers’
home for signs of theft found five boxes of the snacks and
a Wal-Mart receipt from the previous day confirming he had
purchased five boxes. “Chambers was mistaken thinking he
had bought seven boxes,” deputies wrote in a report.
Chambers was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of criminal
mischief. The neighbors’ door, which deputies valued at
$200, was “damaged beyond repair,” the report said.

————————————————————
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E!

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

As far as combining states to eliminate many state govern-
ments, how ’bout deeding half of California and several
other states back to Mexico. -Mark
[Just give them another twenty years...the illegal Mexican
immigrants will have supplanted U.S. citizens in California
and they'll own it be default.]

Richard was on to something when he suggested we combine
states to save money wasted on bureaucracy but I think we
should approach it from another angle. Let’s combine New
Jersey with New Brunswick, Mexico can have California and
Texas and we can offer Florida to Cuba. We can grant an
easement for Canada and build a big-assed razor wire border
around the rest. It’s got to be cheaper than paying for all
the social services to those states.
[You people are awfully eager to give away the country's
hard stolen real estate. Why not go all the way and give it
all back to the American Indians?]

Here’s an idea–instead of taking money away from things
like education, libraries, etc to pay off the national debt,
why not take the money away from rich fat-cat politicians
who put us in debt in the first place? –C. J.
[Not all politicians are rich fat cats. You have to be in
office for a long time before you can start demanding the
kind of graft and kick-backs that will qualify you as a
'fat cat'.]

A politician is simply a public servant, a voice that should
echo the voice of the people they represent. I don’t ever
recall saying (or my neighbors saying) “I want my politician
to have a seperate program from Social Security!”, “I want
my politician to have a seperate medical plan!”… Half the
problem is the politicians in office, the other half is the
citizens letting them get away with it! People should stop
bitching and moaning at the bar and bring it to the voting
booth!
[There is an old quote which goes, "Nations have progressed
in this sequence: From bondage to spiritual faith; from
spiritual faith to great courage; from courage to liberty;
from liberty to abundance; from abundance to selfishness;
from selfishness to complacency; from complacency to apathy;
from apathy to dependency; from dependency back again to
bondage." A quick search I did on the Internet showed that
it belongs to a man named Alexander Tyler, but I don't know
for sure. I think consistently declining polling numbers
reveal we are in the 'apathy' stage.]

Lewis, your son can uncircumcise himself, and he should give
it a try (look it up, look for Penn and Teller and their tv
show called BullS#$t). The sex is SOOOOOOOO much better for
both parties! When the head is protected from contact with
underwear and such, it gets so much more sensitive to touch.
For women, the added thickness and texture makes sex better.
-Stun Gun Millie
[A little more information than I needed, but thank you.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

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Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

I have always been a strong proponent of education. I believe
that education can solve (or at least go a long way toward
solving) a lot of societal problems like teen pregnancy,
sexually transmitted diseases, crime and poverty. A high
school education would have also saved this overly entrepre-
neurial man.

The body of a man has been found on Detroit’s east side, and
police said they believe he died in the midst of trying to
steal valuable metal.

Police said the man appears to have been trying to steal
copper from a power line when he was electrocuted and fell
to the ground. Police said they’re not sure when the man
died but that a neighborhood businessman reported the body
Monday afternoon.

Now compare that with the story of an injured dog in New
Mexico who went to a hospital for treatment.

When the automatic doors at San Juan Regional Medical
Center’s emergency room slid open Saturday night, the pooch
walked in, blood on his nose and paw, and a puncture hole
in one leg.

Animal control officer Robin Loev responded to a call from
the hospital and suspects the puncture wound was from the
bite of another dog.

Loev says the German shepherd mix appeared to be intelligent
and calm — and knew enough to go to the right place.

And he probably knows not to chew on power lines, too.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

————————————————————

+—————— Bizarre Beer Facts ——————–+

Just in time for St. Patrick’s Day…

Studying the experimentally induced intoxicated behavior of
ants in 1888, naturalist John Lubbock noticed that the
insects that had too much to drink were picked up by nest
mates and carried home. Conversely, drunken strangers were
summarily tossed in a ditch.

The familiar Bass symbol, a red triangle, was registered in
1876 and is the world’s oldest trademark.

Pennsylvania has had more breweries in its history than any
other state. In 1910 alone, 119 of the state’s towns had at
least one licensed beermaker.

In their efforts to regulate beer quality, the ancient
Babylonians, who were among history’s earliest brewers,
decreed that any commercial beermaker who sold unfit beer
would be drowned in his/her own libation.

Bottle caps, or “crowns,” were invented in Baltimore in 1892
by William Painter. Painter proved his invention’s worth
when he convinced a local brewer to ship a few hundred cases
of beer to South America and back and they returned without
a leak.

An 18-year study by the National Institute on Aging found
that 50-plus men who consumed a drink a day during middle
age scored significantly better on cognitive tests later in
life than did non-drinkers.

In ancient Babylon, women brewers also assumed the role of
temple priestesses. The goddess Siris was the patron of beer.

On October 17 of 1814, a rupture in a brewery tank contain-
ing 3,500 barrels of beer caused a flood of fatal proportions
in the London parish of St. Giles. The wave of beer swept
victims off their feet, dashed them against walls, and buried
them under debris. Two houses were demolished in the sea of
beer suddenly loosed upon town, and nine people lost their
lives in the flood of suds.

There are 19 different versions of Guinness.

According to a diary entry from a passenger on the Mayflower,
the pilgrims made their landing at Plymouth Rock, rather than
continue to their destination in Virginia, due to lack of beer.

The original text of the Reinheitsgebot only had three
ingredients: Barley, hops, and water. Yeast wasn’t mentioned
for another 35 years.

[From the Opinionated Beer Page]

————————————————————

———- Hubby keeps house, wife takes roof ———-

MVUTJINI, Swaziland – A Swaziland woman said she followed
through with a court order allowing her to remove all of
her possessions from her ex-husband’s house, including the
roof. Busisiwe Ginindza of Mvutjini said she and local
police officers went to the house Thursday and executed
the order from Manzini Magistrate’s Court to remove every-
thing she owned from the home she used to share with his
husband, The Swazi Observer reported. Ginindza, whose
repossessed belongings include the roof of the house, said
her husband kicked her out in July and would not allow her
to take any of her belongings, despite the fact that most
of the items in the house were purchased with her money.
“I left my 14-year old son with him, but lately he has not
been able to go to school because his father locked him
out of the house,” Ginindza said of her estranged husband,
Sikelela Dlamini.

————————————————————

———– Scottish teens get sleeping lessons ———–

GLASGOW, Scotland – A Scottish charity says it is holding
classes on proper sleep habits for teenagers in a bid to
boost the students’ energy during the school day. Jane
Ansell, director of charity Sleep Scotland, said the
classes are being offered at Glasgow schools and officials
hope the trial run will help develop a program to be offer-
ed at schools across the country, The Daily Telegraph
reported. Ansell said sleep deprivation has been linked to
increased risks of depression and obesity. “You wouldn’t
send somebody to school without having the right amount of
food, so why would you send them without enough sleep?”
she said. The charity said the teenagers are being taught
to avoid TV late at night and keep to a strict schedule
allowing for at least nine hours of sleep per night.

————————————————————
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E!

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Hi Lewis, My son too has condemned me for having him
circumcised. He even participated in a march in DC against
the “hedonistic” process as “they” refer to it. They have
a group of men trying to stop this practice. BTW, my son
is 25 and has talked about this since he was in his teens.
I can’t say your son will “get over it.” -JoAnn
[Well, I'm looking forward to that.]

If you want to save money we should go to a flat tax i.e.
25 percent of income, no deductions, no loop holes ect. it
would reduce the number of IRS agents needed, No need for
tax lawyers, no need to pay an auditor to do your taxes.
Fair to everyone, I don’t have to subsidize your 3 kids or
someone else’s 12 kids. Those without enough deductions
now to qualify would end up paying less and those using the
deductions and loophole would pay what they should. –Kisser
[I just read a story recently which said that a record
number of people paid no federal income tax in 2008. 36.3
percent of 142 million federal income tax returns filed in
2008 resulted in either no payments or refunds! The so-
called "nonpayer" returns were filed by people who, because
of the growing number of legally claimed exemptions,
deductions and tax credits owed no income tax. A family of
four earning more than $50,000 can conceivably now have no
income tax. So the next time you hear a politician talk
about tax cuts for the poor, remember these numbers.]

Ya missed one point, Big fella. It’s not just their salaries
but the staff and expenses. Total legislative staffing for
2005 (most recent data published) is over 31,000 people
(legislative branch alone) plus the attendant expenses. The
maximum salary allowed House personal staffers in 2005 was
$156,848, the maximum salary allowed to Senate personal
staffers in 2003 was $150,159.

This may be a novel idea that could save a lot of government
money. Why not reduce the number of states by combining many
of them. North and South Carolina would be Carolina. West
Virginia and Virginia would combine. New York, New Jersey and
Connecticut would be one state. The list is endless with the
combination of many governments and the savings would be in
the billions of dollars. -Richard
[Seeing as how bureaucracy is the biggest money waster, and
a plan like this would create so much more of it, I don't
think it would work as a money-saver. But keep thinking,
that's the most important part!]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

One of the many challenges of parenting three adolescent
boys is keeping up with their flights of fancy. A recent
discussion with my oldest, KJ comes to mind.

KJ recently saw a program on cable about circumcision, of
all things. It seems this particular show was on the dangers
of circumcision and why it is a BS type of ritual.
Suggestions to this 19-year-old on traditions have very
little effect at this point in his life.

He announced one evening at the dinner table that he was
disappointed in his mother and me. When I asked why, he
said ‘for having his penis disfigured’ when he was a wee
lad. He then announced he was unhappy with his circumcision.

His mother and I took a different tact. She began telling
him how cute his ‘mushroom-like’ appendage was. I had to
tell her than no strapping 19-year-old male wants to think
of his penis as ‘cute’. Manly, impressive or gargantuan?
Of course! But cute? No way and he would have none of that.

I explained that circumcisions actually made it easier to
clean your penis. He shot back, “using soap and water
vigorously would do the job,” just as well. When I said
that sounded more like a hand job than a cleaning, he grew
silent. I then told him that we were protecting him from
having a masturbatory experience every time he showered.

Who said parenting was easy?

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

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————————————————————

+——- Bizarre Video – Bizarre Creatures ——-+

Watch this awesome video revealing some of the world’s
most bizarre animals, including the biggest dog in the
world, albino moose, and a mix of a zebra and a giraffe!

View: http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=14172

————————————————————

——– Man allegedly burned home over water bill ——–

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. – Police in Florida said a man who
was angry about the size of his water bills found a way
to stop the bills entirely — he blew up his mobile home.
Investigators quoted witnesses as saying Johnny Dossey,
43, coated his Fort Lauderdale mobile home in gasoline
Wednesday and the residence exploded only moments after
he ignited the flames, the Miami Herald reported Thursday.
Fort Lauderdale Fire-Rescue spokesman Matt Little said
firefighters arrived at about 12:30 p.m. and found the
home engulfed in flames. He said Dossey’s home was
destroyed but no neighboring structures were damaged.
Dossey was arrested and charged with arson of a structure.
Police said he may have been intoxicated at the time of
the incident. Neighbor Luis Alvarez, 43, said Dossey was
arguing with his father about the size of his $70 water
bill prior to setting fire to the home. “I guess he got
fed up with it,” Alvarez said, “and that’s the only way
he saw out of it.”

————————————————————

——— TV host driving 210 miles in coffee car ———

LONDON – A British TV host drove 210 miles from London to
Manchester, England, in a coffee-powered car as part of a
major science fair. Jem Stansfield, one of the hosts of
science-themed TV show “Bang Goes the Theory,” arrived in
Manchester Thursday for this weekend’s Big Bang Science
Fair at Manchester Central, the BBC reported. Stansfield
said before his journey that he was planning to stop at
several schools on the road from London to his destination.
“It’s important for kids to understand that power is not
something that is simply there at the flick of a switch,”
he said. “With the energy challenge facing the world, the
more we encourage children to think about alternative
fuels, where energy is stored and how it can be released,
the better!” The host said his journey would use enough
coffee for 10,000 espressos, and required hourly stops for
filter cleanings.

————————————————————
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E!

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————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis – I knew I loved you for a reason! Your BMI tax is
indeed a brilliant solution; the “fat cats” would finally
be on the hook for a fair portion of their unfair earnings.
Are you related to Jonathan Swift? Hugs, Lynn

Instead of raising taxes even more, lets just fire half of
our government. The US has the most over paid government
in the world. We certainly do not need that much government,
not to mention their retirement plans. -Liz
[When I read this comment I originally agreed, but then I
looked up what office holders earn. congressmen (and women)
make between $160,000-$200,000. That's really not all that
much. That's before kick-backs and payoffs, of course. In my
opinion I think most of the money is wasted on bureaucracy.]

Will the legislators be subject to the same fat-ass tax? I
would vote for it. BTW, I love your column.

Lewis, your idea to tax people based on how fat they are
makes great sense. The very overweight are among those
most likely to put a heavier burden on the health care
industry, especially government sponsored health care like
Medicaid and Medicare, so why not make them pay more into
it? Will you be running for political office anytime soon?
-Tabitha

Lewis – The ‘pizza & soda tax’ is a key component of the
health care reform bill, the most intrusive and heavy
handed bill ever proposed in Congress. What you’re seeing
here is support for one of the talking points of the bill,
which is designed to control every aspect of our lives.
-John
[Actually, that whole idea was a suggestion from the American
Medical Association. Let's put the blame where it's due.]

How about we reduce food stamps and welfare payments by
double the percentage someone is overweight? If you can
eat that much, you don’t need our money for food, you’ll
be healthier and won’t need our money for health care!
Someone 20% overweight would get 40% less benefits.
-A Simple Thinker

I think this is a brilliant idea! Let’s go one step further
and set the tax to 1% per pound above the ideal weight, with
a 10 pounds over “grace”. You could also tax couches and
remote controls so we’d have less couch potatoes. Just a
thought…
[Now you're getting into the spirit! We can solve all of our
country's problems with taxes!]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

I just read an absurd article which suggested that an 18
percent tax on pizza and soda can push down U.S. adults’
calorie intake enough to lower their average weight by 5
pounds per year.

The researchers, writing in the journal Archives of Internal
Medicine, suggested taxing could be used as a weapon in the
fight against obesity, which costs the United States an
estimated $147 billion a year in health costs.

A tax on pizza to fight obesity? Really? There were 34,000
deaths in 2008 due to traffic accidents. Let’s add an 18
percent tax to automobiles to curb driving and lower that
number, people!

Granted, that is an unrelated area.

Let’s get back to food. Here’s the thing…you can make pizza
at home…can’t you? And what about all vegetarian pizzas?
So it’s really not pizzerias who are causing obesity. It’s
the dairy and cattle industries (pork specifically, but beef
too). Why don’t we tax cheese and pork an extra 18 percent?

Maybe because the dairy and cattle lobbies are way too
powerful to even let such a bizarre idea be mentioned by
any legislature.

No, I think a much better idea is to tax fat itself. Here’s
how it would work. Every person would have to have a BMI
measurement taken when he or she pays their taxes. Then you
would pay a percentage based upon how much of a fatass you
are.

Brilliant? I think so.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

————————————————————

+——————- Bizarre Video ———————+

Strange Crop Circles

Crop circles have always been a mystery. Naturalistic
explanations include man-made hoaxes or geological
anomalies, while paranormal explanations include formation
by UFOs.

View: http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=13977

————————————————————

——– Man racks up 298 nude rollercoaster rides ——–

ALTON, England – A British man who raised money for charity
by taking a roller coaster ride in the nude said it was his
298th thrill ride in the buff. Richard Jones, 27, of Church-
down, England, a lifelong roller coaster fan, said his
recent nude ride on the Nemesis coaster at England’s Alton
Towers marked the 298th time he has taken off his clothes
and gone for a roller coaster ride for charity, The Sun
reported. Jones said his rides have included coasters
across Europe and North America, including his favorite,
the Top Thrill Dragster at Ohio’s Cedar Point amusement
park. “Ever since I was 4 I have been hooked on roller
coasters. It’s an escape from time because it takes you
somewhere you don’t normally go,” Jones said. “Hurtling
along at 80 mph also gets the adrenaline going. Doing it
naked is a lot more difficult because it does get very
cold.” Jones said he participated in the Mary 2004
Guinness World Record for largest naked roller coaster
ride with 112 fellow nude riders on the Nemesis coaster.

————————————————————

——— Woman charged with breast milk assault ———

OWENSBORO, Ky. – Police in Kentucky said a woman arrested
for public intoxication faces an additional charge for
squirting breast milk on a deputy at the jail. Daviess
County sheriff’s deputies said Toni Tramel, 31, of
Owensboro, was arrested Thursday on a misdemeanor count
of public intoxication and while changing into a jail
uniform she allegedly sprayed a stream of breast milk
into the face of a female deputy, WYMT-TV, Hazard, Ky.,
reported. The sheriff’s office said the deputy went through
a biohazard decontamination process and Tramel was booked
on an additional charge of third degree assault on a
police officer, a felony. She was being held in lieu of
$10,000 bail.

————————————————————
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of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E!

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————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Hey Lewis! Here’s another book for you to peruse on the
john. “Black Gold, Strangle Hold” by Dr. Jerome R. Corsi
Ph.D and Craig R. Smith. The authors, Dr. Corsi and Mr.
Smith, clame that the earth creates oil and it well never
run out as long as the earths core remains hot and molten.
-H.R.
[You're talking about the abiotic oil theory. Unfortunately
that is not a widely accepted theory (it would be nice,
wouldn't it?). There is even microscopic evidence of the
organisms from which the oil was formed in the oil itself!
Capped wells may appear to refill after a few years, but
they are not regenerating. It is simply an effect of oil
slowly migrating through pore spaces from areas of high
pressure to the low-pressure area of the drill hole.]

Here’s a story for you… “A Northern Ontario woman was
charged with mischief on Tuesday after police say she
wouldn’t stop calling 911 to ask them to pick her up some
smokes. Moira Williams, 67, had been drinking and ran out
of cigarettes when she repeatedly called the emergency
line to ask police to go to the store and buy her some.
By 3:15 a.m., police drove to her home and arrested her.”
[But did they finally give her any smokes???]

Lewis, According to what I have read, there is only enough
oil in ANWR to supply the US for about 15 years. Also, the
oil would all go to Japan with the rest of the Alaskan oil
anyway.
[Since there haven't been any surveys (at least any public
surveys) in the last 30 years, who knows?]

In response to the scuba diver and Mexico. The TJ, Mexico
sewage plant was built with America’s money free of charge.
Mexico would not build one and dumped raw untreated sewage
into the river. The Mexico side refuses to pay to operate
their free plant, which is fully staffed by Mexico. So the
product is pumped into the US plant and then treated before
being reintroduced to the river. Before The US had the
plant built there was no sewage treatment on the Mexico
side. I know this because I’m a sewage plant operator in
the US; and this long standing condition is something we
laugh about. It is totally absurd.

Lewis, Canada supplies most of America’s oil, not the middle
east. I wish that we held some of your debt but we don’t.
You can send us over some sheckles if you like though! -Doug
[I don't know about 'most' but I do know that the US imports
a lot of Canadian oil produced from tar sands.]

Lewis, I’ve seen this story before. I still think we should
drill on our own soil, and not worry about the Saudis
financing our debt with our own money. The US Dollar might
collapse, but at least we will have the fuel to get us where
we need to go. I think the Saudi economy would completely
collapse without our greenbacks buying their oil. -Dave
[Probably not completely. There are a lot of very oil thirsty
countries in the world.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Here is something to think about. I recently read about a
guy named Lindsey Williams who wrote a book called ‘The
Energy Non-Crisis’ in which he talks about how the current
gasoline and oil prices are artificially created by an
international conspiracy designed to keep the United States
buying oil from certain middle-eastern countries,
particularly Saudi Arabia.

He claims that the largest oil field in the world was dis-
covered about twenty years ago just off the northern coast
of Alaska. Enough oil, potentially, to supply all of North
America’s energy needs for the next two hundred years.

This discovery was hushed up by the federal government,
according to Williams, in order to keep us buying our oil
from the middle-east. But why?

The theory is that forty years ago Henry Kissinger, acting
as Secretary of State for the United States, worked out
deals with certain oil-producing countries, to buy as much
oil as they could produce and make then wildly rich provided
that they 1) conduct all oil transactions in U.S. dollars,
practically guaranteeing that the dollar will be the accepted
international currency, and 2) that these countries will
spend a portion of the money WE send them to buy U.S. debt.

Of course, in the last forty years the U.S national debt has
gone from $390 billion in 1970 to a ridiculous twelve trillion
dollars today.

What does that mean to you and me? It means that if Williams
is right, and the U.S. started producing the majority of its
energy at home, the middle-east would stop financing our
debt (with our own money) causing a collapse of the dollar
and a recession that would make the 1930s look like a tea
party.

But is it true?

Interestingly enough…the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge
(ANWR), where all of this oil supposedly is, first became
a federal protected area in 1960, and in 1980 an expansion
of the refuge included 1.5 million acres of the coastal plain
where Williams claims the discovery was made, requiring
congressional authorization before oil drilling may proceed.

It makes you think about who is really responsible for rising
gas prices.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

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————————————————————

+———– Even More Bizarre March Holidays ————+

March 21 is Fragrance Day

March 22 is National Goof-off Day

March 23 is National Organize Your Home Office Day and
National Chip and Dip Day

March 24 is National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day

March 25 is Pecan Day and Waffle Day

March 26 is Make Up Your Own Holiday Day and Spinach
Festival Day

March 27 is National “Joe” Day

March 28 is Something On A Stick Day

March 29 is Festival Of Smoke and Mirrors Day

March 30 is I Am In Control Day

March 31 is Bunsen Burner Day and National Clams On The
Half Shell Day

————————————————————

——— Man in gorilla suit helps nab suspect ———

CANTERBURY, England – British police said a kick from a
man in a gorilla suit helped police catch a suspect flee-
ing from a fight at a supermarket. Canterbury police said
a 24-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of assault and
resisting arrest — with the help of Andy Ingham, 30, who
was dressed in a gorilla suit on a street corner Feb. 18
to promote his gym, Fit4Less, to commuters, Kentnews.co.uk
reported. “Obviously I had the gorilla suit on and had my
hands full of bags as well,” Ingham said. “The policewoman
ran up the bridge and there was this guy running over the
bridge. “The police officer tried to arrest him, at which
point he tried to resist — he grabbed her and slammed her
into the side of the bridge,” Ingham said. “Then the man
started running towards us and the police officer shouted
‘assistance please!’” Ingham delivered a kick to the
suspect’s legs that did not take the man down, but slowed
him enough for police to catch up and arrest him. Police
said they are appealing to the public for information
about the Feb. 18 fight at Tesco supermarket.

————————————————————

——– Police: ‘Body hair’ put in officer’s food ——–

EVESHAM, N.J. – Police in New Jersey said they charged a
restaurant cook with aggravated assault for concealing a
“body hair” in food prepared for an officer. Authorities
said Ryan Burke, 26, of Stratford, was working Feb. 21 at
Good Foods to Go in Evesham when he concealed the “body
hair” on a bagel sandwich made for a police officer,
whose name was not released, The Courier Post, Cherry
Hill, N.J., reported Thursday. Burke was arrested and
charged with aggravated assault, food tampering and
retaliation for a past official action. Burke, who denies
the accusation, said he was arrested by the officer in
March 2009 for failing to pull over during a traffic stop.
However, he said the officer is a regular at the restaurant
and there had been no previous incidents. “I think that
this is absurd,” said Burke, who was fired from the
restaurant following the incident. “They decided to ruin
my life.”

————————————————————
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E!

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, I really enjoy your bizarre news reports. Horny
elephants! What’s not to love. But I only receive the
newsletter about once a week. Is it not a daily? Where
are the other days going? -Brothertucker
[I only publish when I have really good horny elephant
stories to write about.]

Lewis, I thought your readers should know that even us
“West Coast Elitists” have some geniuses in our midst.
He probably didn’t follow the old saying, “look before
you pee!” -Brian “Elma man electrocuted by urinating
on power line”

After reading about the person in scuba gear trying to
smuggle marijuana across the US Mexico border via sewer,
I can understand why people call it ‘good shit.’

Regarding smuggling drugs from Mexico to the US by some-
one wearing scuba equipment disturbs me in two ways. First
of all, that there are sewers running under the border
between Mexico and the United States. Honestly which
direction is “Down hill” here, Which country is dumping
on the other? And second and more disturbing is that there
are “infrared cameras” monitoring the sewage? -Thom

Yippee: March 17 is Submarine Day. I can’t wait to head
down to the beach and watch the submarine races. -Steve

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Of all the things you could possibly want at your wedding
when money is no object; a 24 piece orchestra, a champagne
fountain at every table, a life-sized ice sculpture of the
bride and groom, the one thing you probably don’t want is
a horny elephant.

Try telling that to the Indian couple who felt that several
5-ton, circus behemoths were just the thing to put the
finishing touch on their elegant nuptials.

Things apparently were going swimmingly until a male elephant
noticed one of the females was in heat.

And, as anybody who has observed drunks in a bar at closing
time can tell you, when it’s time to plough the field the
niceties go out the window.

The elephant, one of three hired for the wedding reception
of two politicians’ children in New Delhi, went on a rampage.
He charged a lawn full of wedding guests before flipping over
about 20 cars in a nearby parking lot.

It was finally brought under control by a tranquilizer around
six hours later, after ramming a police truck and causing
over $300,000 of damage in total.

Wildlife Trust of India said that the elephant was in “mast”,
or rutting stage, which happens once a year. What timing.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

————————————————————

+————- More Bizarre March Holidays ————–+

March 11 is Johnny Appleseed Day & Worship of Tools Day

March 12 is Alfred Hitchcock Day

March 13 is Jewel Day

March 14 is National Potato Chip Day

March 15 is Buzzard’s Day & Everything You Think Is Wrong
Day

March 16 is Everything You Do Is Right Day

March 17 is Submarine Day

March 18 is Supreme Sacrifice Day

March 19 is Poultry Day

March 20 is Proposal Day & Festival Of Extraterrestrial
Abductions Day

————————————————————

———— Cold War bunker for sale on eBay ————

DERBY, England – Online bids for a British nuclear bunker
dating back to the Cold War era are approaching $30,000
on eBay. The underground bunker, constructed in 1959 as
a Royal Observer Corps post to monitor nuclear fallout,
is advertised on eBay as a “rare opportunity the acquire
a piece of Cold War history,” The Telegraph on Sunday
reported. Bidding for the Derbyshire, England, bunker
reached $29,525 Monday after 39 bids. “The bunker is in
a perfect location on farmland and offers the freedom of
having your own land and bunker, but with the security of
being on private land which is fenced and securely gated,”
the auction’s description reads. Bidding closes on the
property March 7.

————————————————————

———— Scuba smuggler spotted in sewer ————

DOUGLAS, Ariz. – U.S. Border Patrol officials in Arizona
said someone outfitted in scuba gear was spotted in a
sewer along the U.S.-Mexico border with two bundles of
marijuana. The Border Patrol Douglas Station said a bike
patrol was dispatched to a sewer outlet Friday after
infrared cameras picked up signs of people illegally
crossing into the United States from Mexico, The Arizona
Republic reported. The agents said the bike patrol spotted
someone in scuba gear wading through waist-high water with
two bundles of marijuana. The person dropped the bundles
and turned back toward Mexico upon seeing the agents,
spokesman Omar Candelaria said. The bundles, containing
55 pounds of marijuana, were recovered by the agents.
However, Candelaria said the smuggler evaded capture.

————————————————————
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E!

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Hi Lewis! I’ve been reading for a while now, so I’m thrilled
at the chance to contribute. -dragonmum “A southeast
Missouri man faces drug charges after catching clothing
around his crotch on fire, allegedly while using the shake-
and-bake method to make methamphetamine. Witnesses told
police they saw a man get out of his vehicle with a bottle
on fire and flames in the area of his crotch. He ran toward
a trash bin, poured out the contents, threw out the bottle
and fled.”

Lewis, Regarding the drunk driver driving off with the gas
nozzle and hose still attached, I actually saw this happen
one time and the driver wasn’t drunk – just forgetful and
in a hurry. Some kid in a convertible Chevy started driving
out of a 7-11 gas station and left the nozzle and hose still
in and it popped off at special disconnect clamps installed
on every new gas hose. -James
[I have never done this, or know anyone who has done this,
but apparently it's pretty common.]

Lewis is this comment about “…being a pompous Spanish
peacock.” an attempt at humor lewis, because it failed if
it was. love your ezine! -Dustin
[Nope...it was an attempt at referencing the movie "High-
lander" thereby making me look clever, which apparently has
failed miserably.]

ENJOY YOUR FUCKING RAG!!! A fan, Rosanne
[Sorry, Rosanne, but our fucking rag was called Great
Sexpectations and We just recently canceled that.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————

END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

There can be only one…crazy mother running up and down the
halls of an elementary school swinging a sword. At least in
Tennessee. Other states may have higher limits.

The whole issue started with two second grade girls getting
into a fight and spitting on each other. As happens with this
kind of thing the parents were called. Little did the school
know that the mother of little Aaliyyah Price is the legendary
Highlander.

32-year-old Toni Price went to the school to confront the
parents of the girl who spit on her daughter, but the girl’s
parents wasn’t there.

According to court records, Toni Price ended up inside the
school where an employee reported a drunk woman was armed with
a sword running through the halls of the school. She told
police Price was threatening to cut her.

Officers who arrived on the scene retrieved a black walking
cane in which a long sharp blade is concealed.

Price told police she drank a 40 ounce bottle of Colt 45
before going to the school. She’s charged with aggravated
assault, having a weapon on school property and being a
pompous Spanish peacock.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————

+————— Bizarre March Holidays —————-+

March 1 is National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover’s Day

March 2 is Old Stuff Day

March 3 is I Want You To Be Happy Day, Peach Blossom Day
and National Anthem Day

March 4 is Holy Experiment Day

March 5 is Multiple Personalities Day

March 6 is National Frozen Food Day

March 7 is National Crown Roast Of Pork Day

March 8 is Be Nasty Day

March 9 is Panic Day

March 10 is Festival Of Life In The Cracks Day

————————————————————

———– Couple sued over ‘ugly’ kitchen ————-

NEW YORK – A New York realty group is suing the owners
of a floor at the Gramercy Park Hotel for installing an
“ugly” Ikea kitchen at the property. The Paramount Realty
Group said retail mogul Jon Asgeir Johannesson and his
wife, designer Ingibjorg Palmadottir, agreed to rent out
the 16th floor of the Gramercy Park Hotel for $312,000
last year, but the “ugly” kitchen has been an embarrass-
ment for the renting tenant, the New York Daily News
reported Thursday. “Defendants willfully installed what
(Jon Asgeir Johannesson) defined as an ‘ugly’ kitchen,”
the suit states. “The kitchen installed is manufactured
by Ikea, which is generally known to offer low-budget
furniture.” “The kitchen has also been a source of
embarrassment for Plaintiff and the subject of remarks
by guests,” Paramount said in the suit. The lawsuit is
seeking $52,000 in damages.

————————————————————

——- Police: Drunk man drove off with gas hose ——-

SOUTH BEND, Ind. – Indiana police said they arrested an
alleged drunk driver who drove away from a gas station
with the nozzle and hose still attached to his vehicle.
St. Joseph County police said they received calls Monday
night about a truck on westbound U.S. 20/U.S. 31 with a
gas station hose dangling from the side and striking pass-
ing vehicles, the South Bend (Ind.) Tribune reported.
Officers said the driver, a 46-year-old South Bend man,
smelled of alcohol when he was pulled over on Indiana 2
and failed several field sobriety tests before being
booked into the St. Joseph County Jail. Police said his
blood alcohol content was measured at 0.13 at the jail,
well over the 0.08 legal limit for driving. The man told
police he had recently purchased gas from a Speedway
station. The hose and nozzle were returned to the
business.

————————————————————
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E!

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

When I was a bike courier in Toronto years ago, I remember
me and a friend chasing a bike thief down. I repoed the
bike for the happy young woman and Kevin wrestled the guy
to the ground, and then somehow locked him to a stair rail
with a kryptonite lock around his neck. Lost the lock,
Kevin later said, but man, it was worth it for the look on
his face. I bet he never stole another bike after that.
-Mike, Toronto
[And here I thought Wolverine was the only Canadian super-
hero.]

Lewis, I forward your letter to 10 of my friends that I have
on a group email. I don’t know if any have signed up yet. I
have a few less raunchy friends so I have to delete some of
your remarks. Keep up the great work, you really make my
morning.
[Thank you! It's nice to be appreciated, if edited.]

I read the Bizzare News every morning with my coffee, and
it starts my day out right, because I am learning something
new every day and the are good for a laugh. –Shirley

Lewis, Just wanted to say that your column is maintaining
its level of excellence. You have managed to offend the
left and the right so this tells me that you are indeed,
fair and balanced. –John
[Thank you. And piss off.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Here is why it is important to be very careful about who
you leave your kids with. Unless, of course, you’re look-
ing to have them sold, and even then you could probably
do better than this Louisiana woman.

The details of how Donna Greenwell came to be in custody of
the 5-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl is sketchy. Her
attorney said the children’s mother had requested that she
take care of the kids (for whatever reason). What is clear
is that Greenwell could not take care of them. But why give
them to the state or up for adoption when you can sell
them?

What is the going rate for a preschool-age boy and girl you
might ask? That would be $175 and a cockatoo. That’s a bird
for those of you with a dirty mind.

Investigators said Greenwell called Paul J. Romero, 46,
and Brandy Lynn Romero, 27, early last year after seeing a
flyer they posted offering a cockatoo for sale, and offered
to deliver the children for about $2,000. When the Romeros
said they could not afford that, a deal was stuck for the
bird, valued at $1,500, plus cash.

Steve Sikich, Greenwell’s attorney, said, “It was a really
clumsy attempt at an adoption proceeding.”

A judge called it two criminal counts of a sale of a minor.
Greenwell was sentenced to 15 months of hard labor on each
of two counts.

No word on who got custody of the cockatoo.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

————————————————————

+——————- Bizarre Criminals ——————–+

In September 1992, robbers in Las Vegas held up a van
thought to contain gambling chips, only to find that it
was carrying potato chips instead.

In 1998, a guard was caught smuggling a wad of money in
his underpants out of a bank in Atlanta when a tiny
security-dye capsule exploded, blowing a hole in his
trousers.

In 1998, a would-be Texas grocery store robber went to the
trouble of disguising his face with a balaclava but forgot
to remove from his breast pocket a laminated badge which
bore his name, place of employment and position within the
company – an oversight spotted by at least a dozen
witnesses.

A 1975 raid on the Royal Bank of Scotland in Rothesay
degenerated into farce when, on the way in, the three
would-be raiders got stuck in the bank’s revolving doors
and had to be helped free by the staff. Undeterred, they
returned a few minutes later and announced that it was a
robbery. The staff thought it was a practical joke and
refused to pay up. While one of the men vaulted the counter
and twisted his ankle on landing, the other two made their
escape, only to get trapped in the revolving doors again.

————————————————————

———— Couriers chase down stolen bicycle ————

LOS ANGELES – Two bicycle couriers chased and caught up
with a bicycle thief in a wild ride through the streets
of Los Angeles, police said. The bike messengers were
watching as a man stole the Iron Horse Desperado Mountain
Bike outside a downtown gym where its owner was working
out. By the time the owner, Jesus Tobar, came outside and
noticed his $500 bike was gone, the two couriers were
already chasing the thief, the Los Angeles Times reported.
After a chase of about five blocks, one of the riders was
able to grab the thief’s shirt and pull him to ground. The
thief escaped on foot but Los Angeles Police Department
Commander Andrew Smith said he didn’t get away unscathed.
“We are now looking for a 30-year-old man with a torn
shirt, a possibly sprained ankle, as well as road rash,”
Smith said.

————————————————————

——– Man complains to cops about his hash buy ——–

ESLOV, Sweden – Police in Sweden said a man walked into a
local precinct to complain about the quality of hashish he
had purchased from a dealer. Eslov police said the 26-year-
old man told police he was a frequent user of marijuana
and its derivatives, including hash, but the latest batch
of hash he purchased sent him on a bad trip that made him
feel like his TV was talking to him and his girlfriend was
turning into a dolphin, The Local reported Monday. Police
said it was unclear whether the man, who brought a small
amount of the hash in for testing, will face possession
charges. Possession of marijuana and its derivatives in
small amounts is an offense usually punished with a small
fine.

————————————————————
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E!

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Hey Lewis! The parent with the baby boy that was crawling
soon after birth. You think he was going for one of the
girl babies? I bet he’s TZ’s kid!! I was like that boy in
as much as I was so surprised at being born I couldn’t
speak for 18 months! -H.R.

They sent the poor woman back to the hospital because she
wasn’t dead yet? What ? The hospital gets a second chance
to do the job right? If the poor woman lives through the
second hospital visit perhaps the third time will be the
charm. -Lee

Hello Lewis: Some in Canada used to say that US beer was
“piss water”. Most beer in the US is made by Busch or
Miller and it is indeed watery compared to Canadian Beer;
although I have always preferred the flavor of US beer.
I have heard that there was once a law here in the US that
made US beer this way and is still a tradition. Perhaps
this law still exists in many states. -JT

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Icicles are dangerous. Anybody can tell you that. They can
damage your house. They can drop down from the edge of
your roof and puncture your skull! They can throw exciting
parties when you’re not around and drink all of your booze.
Okay, that last one is unlikely, but nobody hates icicles
more than one Kentucky man who risked everything in his
crusade against the clinging, frozen menace.

Not content to simply knock them down with a broom or a
shovel, this unnamed homeowner terminated the icicles menace
threatening his house with extreme prejudice. Extreme pre-
judice and a blow torch.

I think you can guess how this story turns out. Firefighters
were called to the home to find smoke pouring from the roof
of the home. They were able to extinguished the blaze, but
not before the roof and attic, as well as a new addition to
the home, were heavily damaged.

The homeowner told fire officials he was worried family
members might be injured by icicles hanging from the roof
of his home, so he used a blowtorch to melt them…and then
promptly left home to run errands.

“He was concerned about the icicles and the ice causing
damage to his home and/or anybody walking under it – his
kids or anyone – if they fall,” said Lt. Col. Rick Harrison.
“Obviously, you want to remove them as safely as you can.
Breaking them off is what most people do. Choosing to use a
torch to melt them, in hindsight, he probably agrees is not
the best idea.”

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

————————————————————

+————— Bizarre Presidential Facts —————+

Ronald Reagan, the 40th U.S. president, saved 77 people
from drowning as a lifeguard in his youth at a riverside
beach near Dixon, Illinois.

20th president of the United States James Garfield could
write Greek with one hand while writing Latin with the
other.

Abe Lincoln, the 16th president of the United States,
carried letters, bills, and notes in his notorious black,
top-hat.

First U.S. president George Washington rejected a movement
among army officers to make him king of the United States.

William Taft, 27th president of the United States, weighed
more than 300 pounds and had a special oversized bathtub
installed in the White House.

The 38th president of the United States, Gerald Ford turned
down offers to play professional football for the Green
Bay Packers and the Detroit Lions.

————————————————————

————– ‘Dead’ woman returns to life ————–

CALI, Colombia – A woman thought to be dead was sent back
to a hospital in Colombia after workers at a funeral parlor
noticed she was breathing and moving, the hospital says.
Noelia Serna, 45, was transported to the funeral home hours
after she was pronounced dead of multiple organ failure,
Britain’s Daily Telegraph reports. Serna started breathing
and moving when funeral home workers began to apply
formaldehyde to her body, the Web site Metro.co.uk says.
The woman was in a coma. Doctors at the hospital say Serna
may have been suffering from Lazarus Syndrome, an extremely
rare phenomenon in which circulation restarts spontaneously.

————————————————————

———- Ad seeks sinners for Lent confessions ———-

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. – Catholic leaders in Connecticut said
they are trying to fill confessionals during Lent by
taking out billboards seeking sinners wanting to shake
their guilt. Bishop William Lori of the Bridgeport Diocese
said he took out a full-sized billboard urging Catholics
to take advantage of the extended confessional hours being
offered every Tuesday until the end of Lent, WFSB-TV,
Bridgeport, reported Thursday. “I wouldn’t call it
commercializing. It’s evangelizing. The church has always
used whatever media to get the message out and it’s a great
message,” Lori said. The bishop said many people are wary
of confession. “They get scared. It’s hard to admit our
sins. Sometimes people wonder what the reaction will be on
the other side of the screen, but it’s really about love,
mercy, compassion,” he said.

————————————————————
Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E!

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, not only did my son walk at 5 months, he was crawling
at birth! The nurses had to put him in an isolette because
they caught him pulling himself up on the corner of those
boxes the put babies in. The lad cut a molar at 10 weeks,
yet never said a single word til he was 2. Not even, “Mom”
or “no.” Every child is weird in its own way, I suppose.
[That reminds me of the Saturday Night Live routine where
a pregnant woman gives birth to a fully grown Will Ferrell.]

Go you one better – my mother was allergic to the dandruff
in her eyelashes. 2-3 times a week, she had to shampoo them
with Ivory soap (doesn’t make the eyes burn). -MaryL
[Your mother only washes her face 2-3 times a week? I think
I know what the problem is...]

Will we ever invade America? With what, our butterknives?
Have you guys forgotten we choose not to bear arms? Anyway,
heck no! We love America, and we even forgive you for GWB.
It’s true we like beer, usually our own, and it’s also true
that Moosehead is a crime, even here. But before the pro-
liferation of microbreweries, we Canadians used to say that
American beer was like making love in a Canadian canoe:
fucking close to water. -Mike, Toronto

Lewis, the real reason Canada won’t invade the USA is because
they think their country and way of life is much better than
the American way of life. They have a higher standard of
living, treat their elderly better and have a better health
care system and much more. -Richard

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————

END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

If there is one thing God hates, it’s dancing. Ask the
Wisconsin man who was accused of repeatedly shocking a male
dance instructor with a stun gun, claiming the instructor
was a “sinner” who “defiles married women.”

A Dane County prosecutor said the 59-year-old suspect, at
first thought to be John Lithgow, hastily arranged a dance
lesson at the instructor’s Madison home and showed up with
a stun gun and sledgehammer.

The criminal complaint said the man told a detective that his
church does not condone touching while dancing and that he
was going to scare the instructor “and tell him to leave the
women alone.”

The Wisconsin State Journal said the instructor told police
that the suspect phoned for private dance lessons, and when
he opened the door to his home, he began to shock him
repeatedly in the neck with the stun gun.

If our Lord wasn’t testing us, how would you account for the
proliferation these days of this obscene rock and roll music,
with its gospel of easy sexuality and relaxed morality?

Kevin Bacon was unavailable for comment.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

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+——— Bizarre Video – Your Skin Up Close ———-+

Did you know that you have bacteria living on your
eyelashes and your skin? In this clip, meet a few
of these hidden bacterias. Warning: You may start
to itch.

Visit: http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=14883

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——— Man builds 625-square-foot snow house ———

CHARDON, Ohio – An Ohio man said he is putting the finish-
ing touches on his winter project: a 625-square-foot snow
castle built in the front yard of his family’s home. Jimmy
Grey, 25, of the Chardon area in Geauga County, said the
25-foot-by-25-foot structure, which boasts four rooms, a
flat-screen TV, a surround-sound system, strobe lights and
beer that never goes warm, was a project born out of a
desire to keep busy after losing his job last spring, The
Plain Dealer newspaper in Cleveland reported Monday. Grey
said he started the project after an early January snow-
storm using snow collected from his neighborhood and soon
found himself enlisting friends to help truck snow in from
around the area. The man said the luxury igloo, which uses
electricity from his garage and cable TV from his house,
hosts get-togethers a few nights a week and will likely
remain a monument to his winter well into the warm months.
“To be honest,” Grey’s father, Jim Sr., said, “I’ll be
surprised if it’s gone by the Fourth of July.”

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—————- Baby walks at 6 months —————–

CAMBRIDGE, England – Doctors said the case of a British
baby who learned to walk unaided at just 6 months is
“extremely uncommon.” Mary King, 30, and her husband
David, 27, of Cambridge, England, said their first child,
Xavier, amazed them when he began sitting up on his own
at 3 months and only further shocked them when he stood up
and started walking distances of up to 6 feet on his own
in January, when he was 6 months old, The Daily Telegraph
reported. “Xavier is more advanced than most babies his
age. It was just amazing when he got up and started putting
one leg in front of the other,” King said. “The only
problem now is that I can’t leave him alone so have had
to buy a play pen so he doesn’t get into any mischief.”
Dr. Martin Ward Platt, consultant pediatrician at Royal
Victoria Infirmary in Newcastle, England, said it is rare
for babies to start walking so young. “To be quite so
precocious with your walking is extremely uncommon, but…
it will happen from time to time,” he said. “For his
parents, having to cope with a much more mobile child much
earlier than expected simply brings forward the moment you
need eyes in the back of your head.”

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Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E!

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

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>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, Canada will never invade the U.S. They like their
beer a lot more than they like ours. -Dave
[Of course...here Moosehead is a felony.]

Lewis, Zamboni technology comes from the far northern
reaches of… Los Angeles. First one was made by a guy
named Zamboni to use on the family skating rink. -Ed

Hi Lewis, I felt I had to set the record straightish. The
story on “Man ‘Stink Bombs’ Wal-Mart” just can’t be true.
There’s no way there were only 75 people in a Wal-Mart
just after noon on a Sunday. -Tony

Lewis: I’ve enjoyed your e-mails, but lately you seem to
be descending into the gutter. There is a tremendous amount
of funny stuff in life, and so it makes me wonder why your
column now contains so much gutter humor: adultery, sex body
excretions, fornication, etc. Why can’t you keep it clean?
-Regards from Joe Dsida
[This isn't Funny News, it's Bizarre News, and if there is
anything more bizarre than sex (and all of the problems it
causes) I haven't run across it yet. Fortunately sex is also
frequently very funny!]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

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END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2010 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.