Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Christmas isn’t coming for thousands of recreational drug
enthusiasts who won’t be getting Chinese bongs under their
trees this year.

Customs officials at Los Angeles Harbor said a shipment of
cargo labeled as Christmas ornaments was actually bongs,
pipes and other drug paraphernalia.

The shipment of almost 860 boxes from China arrived about a
month ago, addressed to a recipient in Los Angeles County,
but was seized immediately.

U.S. Customs and Border Protection spokeswoman Cristina
Gamez said agents found 316,000 bongs and pipes, worth an
estimated $2.6 million.

“They’re very colorful and big,” Gamez said. “Some of them
are like 2 feet tall.”

Importing or exporting drug paraphernalia is illegal in the
United States. Which means the entire shipment is going to
be destroyed.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

P.S. Now You Can Follow BIZARRE NEWS on TWITTER:

http://twitter.com/MyBizarreNews

Follow Your Favorite GopherCentral Publications on Twitter:

http://www.gophertweets.com/

————————————————————

+—————— Bizarre Resumes ——————-+

HOW NOT TO WRITE A RESUME. These excerpts were compiled
from actual resumes and have appeared in magazines and
numerous online publications.

“Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as
well as cockroaches.”

“Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and
my employer does not know I am looking for another job.”

“I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”

“Physical disabilities include minor allergies to house
cats and Mongolian sheep.”

“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain operation.”

“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45
every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”

“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”

“Work Experience: Dealing with customer conflicts that
arouse.”

————————————————————

——— Police: Attempted robber was too quiet ———

DELTONA, Fla. – Authorities in Florida said they arrested
a man whose whispered demands for money went unanswered at
a Deltona store. Volusia County sheriff’s deputies said
Carlie McDuffie, 24, walked into a Family Dollar store and
told an employee to hand over money from the register in
a quiet voice that the clerk either didn’t hear or didn’t
understand, the Orlando Sentinel reported. Sheriff’s
spokesman Brandon Haught said the 34-year-old clerk asked
McDuffie what he needed and the suspect repeated the
demand in the same whispered tone. The clerk again asked
what he needed, and McDuffie said “forget it” and left
the store, Haught said. The spokesman said the clerk soon
realized what had happened and called 911. McDuffie was
arrested less than 30 minutes later and charged with
attempted robbery and resisting arrest without violence.

————————————————————

——— Strange items left on London transport ———-

LONDON – Transport for London’s lost property office,
which turns 75 this year, has dealt with unusual items
including breast implants and bull sperm. The office,
which attempts to reconnect property owners with items
left on buses, trains and trams, said some of the oddest
items to pass its doors include a jar of bull sperm, a
theatrical coffin, breast implants and a 14-foot-long
boat, The Times of London reported Thursday. The items,
revealed in “The Book of Lists: London,” also include a
vasectomy kit, a garden slide, an urn of ashes and two
human skulls. Lost property office officials said they
collected 170,000 items in 2008, including 36,852 books,
28,550 bags and 27,174 articles of clothing.

————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E!

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I love all your bizarre stories. They are funny and infor-
mative, I was wondering if you wanted to be pen pals? I’m
sure we have lot’s to talk about. I write poetry and
articles. Hopefully we can have a conversation. -Bill
[I already have a stalker, but I appreciate the offer.
Thanks.]

At least a metal fence up the ass will reduce the likelihood
he will ever reproduce.
[Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately) the ass doesn't have
much to do with reproduction.]

Hey Lewis, If you’re collecting gong awards, here’s a good
one. Last weekend at a Nephew’s wedding, one of the grooms-
men got a little drunk and couldn’t find his car when he got
out of a bar (this was already after the wedding party).
He reported it stolen…then he discovered it in front of
another drinking establishment a few blocks away. Well, he
neglected to call the cops back. Of course the police did
their job and arrested him thinking he was the car thief…
at least he was cleared of that charge. But now he has the
drunk driving charge to worry about. -Dan

Hi Lewis, Why don’t you use your last name? I bought your
book, actually two copies, and was surprised that you don’t
use your name even in a professionally published book. What
gives? -Dave
[Statute of limitations.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

————————————————————
END OF BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright 2009 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

You all remember the controversy over the answer Miss
California gave to a question about gay marriage during
the 2009 Miss America pageant. That’s nothing compared
to the trouble the beauty queens get into over in
England.

The reigning Miss England has relinquished her crown after
being accused of a fight in a bar. Pageant organizers say
Rachel Christie has also withdrawn from next month’s Miss
World competition in South Africa.

They said in a statement that the 21-year-old heptathlete
will now focus on clearing her name and training for the
2012 Olympics.

British newspapers reported that Christie got into a fight
with another beauty queen – Miss Manchester Sara Beverley
Jones – in a nightclub earlier this week.

Greater Manchester Police said Friday that a 21-year-old
woman was arrested on suspicion of assault after an alter-
cation at the city’s Mansion nightclub on Monday. She was
released on bail pending further enquiries.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+———- Even More Bizarre November Holidays ———-+

November 21 is World Hello Day and False Confessions Day

November 22 is Start Your Own Country Day

November 23 is National Cashew Day

November 24 is Use Even If Seal Is Broken Day

November 25 is National Parfait Day

November 26 is Shopping Reminder Day

November 27 is Pins And Needles Day

November 28 is Make Your Own Head Day

November 29 is Square Dance Day

November 30 is Stay At Home Because You’re Well Day

***

——— Diaper-wearing woman awarded $150,000 ———-

PLYMOUTH MEETING, Pa. – A Pennsylvania woman was awarded
$150,000 in a discrimination suit claiming she had to
wear diapers to work due to a lack of toilets. The Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission’s lawsuit against Danella
Construction Corp., of Plymouth Meeting, Pa., said Lisa
Drozdowski, 37, had to wear adult diapers while she was
working as a flagger for the company in 2005 because
officials refused to provide portable toilets, the
Philadelphia Daily News reported Thursday. Drozdowski said
her bathroom breaks, which involved walking a quarter mile
to her car and driving several minutes to the nearest rest-
room, often came after she had already urinated on herself.
She said the company stopped giving her work when she
complained about the bathroom breaks and was denied a
laborers position. The commission and Danella entered into
a consent decree filed in a court Wednesday. Danella
agreed to pay $150,000 to Drozdowski and four other female
employees who claimed they were also discriminated against
by the company will split a $50,000 payout.

————————————————————

———— Escaped elephant side-swipes car ————-

ENID, Okla. – Police in Oklahoma said an escaped circus
elephant suffered a broken tusk and a hurt leg when it
sideswiped a vehicle while running along a road. Enid
Police Department Sgt. Billy Varney said a couple riding
in the vehicle Wednesday night were not injured in the
collision with the elephant, which fled from the Family
Fun Circus at the Garfield County Fairgrounds, The Enid
News and Eagle reported. “The vehicle side-swiped the
elephant as it ran along the road. The vehicle was able
to drive away,” Varney said. He said the elephant’s tusk
poked a hole in the car’s sheet metal. The elephant,
which also suffered bumps, bruises and scratches, was
loaded into a semi-trailer and returned to the circus
Wednesday night.

————————————————————

————– Robber reported fake crime —————-

DANA POINT, Calif. – Authorities in California said a bank
robber called 911 to report a fake bank robbery in a nearby
town before walking into his targeted establishment. Jim
Amormino, spokesman for the Orange County Sheriff’s Depart-
ment, said the suspect, described as an African-American
man in his 20s, was first spotted at a supermarket in
Laguna Nigel at about 9:20 a.m., the Orange County Register
reported. Witnesses said the suspect spoke with someone
at the store, which had a closed Bank of America branch
inside, about finding an open branch and was told of an
open location about 3 miles away in Dana Point. Amormino
said the suspect then went to an AT&T store near the open
branch and used a display phone to call 911 and report a
bank robbery in Laguna Nigel. He then walked into the Dana
Point bank, told a teller he was carrying a gun and left
with an undisclosed amount of cash.

————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E!

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, Bizarre News disappeared from my mailbox a couple
months ago, and no matter how many times I signed up for
it, it never arrived. Now, out of the blue, I have BN again.
I KNEW you’d come back, Lewis. I knew you couldn’t stay
away forever… David
[I sort of like herpes, you never know when I'll pop back
up.]

Lewis, I hope you’re making a lot of $. You bring a lot of
fun into my life, Sugar. Thanks from a fan in California.
[Well, I don't keep stacks of twenty dollar bills under
the sink in the bathroom, but I squeak by. Thanks for the
kudos.]

I’d like to ask your letter-writer Lisa: Lisa, is there no
place in the world for “self-important, pompous dweebs”? At
least we don’t carry guns (most of us.) Karlyn Thayer,
Cheraw, Colorado

Too bad there’s no picture of Mrs. Vossough. Never heard of
an obscene F cup. Wonderful maybe, but never obscene.
[When you start with a B and go to an F, it can't be pretty.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Well, that is a wrap for Bizarre News. How did we do?
Send comments and questions to: mailto:lewis@gophercentral.com

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Well, Chicago lost the bid to host the 2016 Olympics. I was
not surprised. Have you seen all of the violence in Chicago
on the news recently? I bet you the Olympic committee has.
Teenagers bashing each other’s brains out with scrap lumber
right in the middle of the city streets. Little kids getting
shot on the sidewalk in drive-by shootings. It has been a
mad house around here lately!

Rio de Janeiro in Brazil got it. Fortunately Rio de Janeiro
doesn’t have to deal with that kind of thing. All they have
are a plague of kidnappings, an illegal drug trade that is
the country’s largest industry, and a tradition of using
children in drug and sex trafficking and gang wars. Not to
mention all the poverty.

But even despite this…does Chicago really want the Olympics?
It is a resource hog. Hundreds of millions of dollars get
spent. The entire city is turned on its ear for weeks, and
despite what everybody says, the city never makes the money
back in taxes and tourism dollars.

I say let Rio de Janeiro enjoy the hassle.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+—————- Bizarre October Holidays —————-+

October 11 is It’s My Party Day

October 12 is International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day

October 13 is National Peanut Festival

October 14 is Be Bald and Free Day and National Dessert Day

October 15 is White Cane Safety Day

October 16 is Dictionary Day

October 17 is Gaudy Day

October 18 is No Beard Day

October 19 is Evaluate Your Life Day

October 20 is National Brandied Fruit Day

***

———– Police: Robber returned for soda ————-

BEECH GROVE, Ind. – Investigators said a man who stole
$97 from an Indiana drug store returned for a beverage he
purchased before the robbery. Beech Grove, Ind., police
said the man, described as about 48 years old, handed a
Walgreen’s clerk $2 for a cola and made “idle conversation”
until she opened the cash register, The Indianapolis Star
reported. The man then put his hand under his coat and
informed the clerk he was robbing the store. He took $97
from the register and began to leave, police said. However,
the police report said the man “came back for the bottle of
soda that he placed on the counter and previously paid for.”
Police said the suspect was last seen walking through a
parking lot across the street from the store.

————————————————————

————- Woman broke window over beer —————

FORT PIERCE, Fla. – A Florida woman angry at her boyfriend
for refusing to buy more beer allegedly tried to choke him
and threw a table leg through a window, authorities said.
Police in Fort Pierce, Fla., said the boyfriend told them
his live-in girlfriend, Andrea Elizabeth Bathgate, 31,
became angry after drinking a lot of beer Tuesday night —
and he refused to buy her more because she became “aggress-
ive” while intoxicated, TCPalm.com reported. Investigators
said the man told the woman to leave and she attempted to
choke him before exiting. Bathgate then allegedly broke
a leg off an outside table and “threw the hard missile
through a window of the residence, causing deadly shards
of glass to be forcefully launched into the occupied
residence,” the arrest affidavit states. Bathgate was
arrested and charged with misdemeanor battery and a felony
count of throwing a missile into a dwelling.

————————————————————

———- Woman arrested during topless walk ———–

YORK, S.C. – A 50-year-old South Carolina woman was arrest-
ed for allegedly walking around her neighborhood without a
top on, authorities said. Angela Jonas of York, S.C., told
deputies arriving on the scene Tuesday that she likes to
be nude when she mows her lawn, the York County Sheriff’s
Office said. A neighbor complained Jonas has walked the
neighborhood topless on multiple occasions, the Rock Hill
(S.C.) Herald reported. Deputies said Jonas could not give
a clear answer when asked why she was “naked from the waist
up” outside. Jonas was charged with indecent exposure and
taken to jail in lieu of $1,000 bond.

————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E!

http://pd.gophercentral.com/u/14380/c/120/a/499

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, please run this one in an upcoming issue! “The
police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male,
in a pumpkin patch. Lawrence was charged with lewd and
lascivious behaviour. The suspect explained that he
pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin
that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole
in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. In the
process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching police car. The officer said, ‘Excuse me sir,
but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?’
He froze and said, ‘A pumpkin? Shit! Is it midnight already?’
[This old gag is ancient. I'm sorry, it's not a news story,
but it is funny.]

keep up the great stories. I hear about a lot of similar
stuff but I’ve signed so many privacy agreements over the
last 40 years if I ever divulged anything all kinds of
super secret police would come out of the woodwork and
take me away. -Hugo
[Are you followed by black helicopters, too?]

yesterday, while in the car i heard a bizarre news story.
Apparently, while sitting in a park one man walked up to
another, who was holding a hotdog, and stuck a gun in his
face and said, “give me the hotdog”. the man was later
caught with mustard on his shirt and carrying a pellet
gun and a pocket knife. he was arrested for the robbery.
how weird is that?

Lewis; One woman said, the economy is so bad, my vacation
will be buying two bags of kitty litter to lie on and a sun
lamp! -Brubrow
[I am going to make a bizarre comment here and say that a
recession like we're going through right now can be a good
thing. I read that before housing prices started to plummet
American savings were at their lowest in 30 years (as a
percentage of income). Now people are starting to save a
lot more. And having savings is good. It makes for a stable
economy. This is a valuable lesson right now for people who
mortgaged their entire lives and now can't pay any of their
debts. Some business will go broke, some people will go
bankrupt...and hopefully when a recovery occurs everyone
will be a little bit wiser.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Nobody really wins in this story, but the lesson to come
away with is never insult a man’s girlfriend’s mother when
you’re drinking in a pub in Ireland…unless, of course,
you either want to get your hand chopped off or get punched
in the face with a bloody stub.

28-year-old Charles Russell of Dublin was remanded in custody
pending sentence after pleading guilty to recklessly causing
Peter Rogers serious harm at The Deputy Mayor Pub.

Apparently Rogers had said something insulting to Russell’s
girlfriend’s mother which led to the attack.

The detective in charge said that Mr. Rogers had been in the
pub with a number of friends that day when he heard someone
shout, “there’s the c**t” before he was struck from behind
with a hammer. This blow came from Russell’s friend who was
then wrestled away by bar staff.

Russell then stepped up and swung a samurai sword at Rogers,
severing his hand. The victim later reported that he did not
notice that he lost his hand, which must have been due to
shock or the 15 pints of Guinness he had been drinking.

Rogers struggled with Russell and at one stage punched the
accused in the face with the stump of his arm. He was finally
restrained by the bar manager but managed to escape and fled
the scene.

A customer picked up the hand and placed it in ice. The victim
was taken to the hospital where he underwent emergency surgery
to re-attach his hand. Ta da!

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+—————– Bizarre Book Titles ——————-+

How to Avoid Huge Ships by John W. Trimmer

Scouts in Bondage by Michael Bell

Be Bold with Bananas by Crescent Books

Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself by Dale L. Power

The Flat-Footed Flies of Europe by Peter J. Chandler

101 Uses for an Old Farm Tractor by Michael Dregni

Across Europe by Kangaroo by Joseph R. Barry

101 Super Uses for Tampon Applicators by Lori Katz and
Barbara Meyer

[HowStuffWorks, Inc.]

***

——– KFC set to fill up potholes and stomachs ———

LOUISVILLE, Ky. – Kentucky Fried Chicken says it will move
beyond filling up patrons’ stomachs, by providing pothole
repair for residents of Louisville, Ky. The fast-food chain
has offered to fill up potholes throughout Louisville in
return for the right to stamp the newly repaired road
hazards with the stencil slogan, “Re-freshed by KFC,”
Advertising Age reported. “This program is a perfect
example of that rare and optimal occurrence when a company
can creatively market itself and help local governments
and everyday Americans across the country,” said Javier
Benito, KFC executive vice president of marketing and food
innovation. Louisville Mayor Jerry Abramson appeared ready
to support the KFC proposal given the budgetary constraints
facing many U.S. cities. “It’s great to have a concerned
corporation like KFC create innovative private/public
partnerships like this pothole refresh program,” the mayor
said in a statement.

————————————————————
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————————————————————

——— Police say fingernails gave away robber ———-

CHELSEA, Mass. – Police in Chelsea, Mass., say a bank
robbery suspect was apprehended after being identified by
her orange fingernail polish. A witness said the woman
who made off with $450 in cash from the Sovereign Bank
Wednesday had nails coated with a bright burnt orange
fingernail polish, The Boston Globe reported. The robber
presented a note demanding money to a teller and left the
scene after the bank employee complied, police said. Thanks
to another witness who wrote down the license plate number
of the fleeing robber’s vehicle, police quickly located
their suspect. After tracing the license plate and locating
the accompanying vehicle, police found their suspect,
Margaret Christie, and her flashy fingernails, the Globe
said.

———- Geographers map 7 deadly sins in U.S. ———–

LAS VEGAS – Geographers have mapped the sinfulness of the
United States, attempting to come up with numbers for each
of the seven deadly sins. Thomas Vought and colleagues
at Kansas State University devised indexes for sloth,
gluttony, lust, greed, wrath, envy and pride, The Las Vegas
Sun reported. Sloth was based on spending per capita on
arts and entertainment compared to the employment rate;
gluttony on fast-food outlets per capita; lust on rates of
sexually transmitted disease; greed on average incomes
compared to the number of people living below the poverty
line; wrath on violent crimes per capita; and envy on
property crimes. The researchers decided that pride is the
master sin and therefore merged the rates of the lesser
sins. Vought presented the findings at the American
Geographers’ meeting Tuesday in Las Vegas, a city some-
times regarded as the sin capital of the United States.
The researchers said the Las Vegas area, Clark County,
beats the rest of Nevada in most sins but ranks third
behind southern gambling centers like Biloxi, Miss., in
pride.

————————————————————
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————————————————————

————- Tennessee could ban saggy pants ————-

NASHVILLE – A bill that would ban low-riding trousers that
expose the wearer’s boxers or briefs in the state of
Tennessee has won approval from a legislative subcommittee.
House Bill 2099, known as the “Saggy Pants Bill,” would
impose fines of up to $1,000 on violators, The Memphis
Commercial Appeal reported. The money would be dedicated
to the purchase of school supplies, including books and
sports equipment. Rep. Karen Camper, a Democrat from
Memphis, accused her colleagues, including Rep. Joe Towns,
a Memphis Democrat who sponsored the bill, of “trying to
legislate fashion.” She said teens would get misdemeanor
records needlessly. “My question to you Mr. Towns is:
What is the demographics you are targeting with this
legislation?” she asked. Towns responded angrily that white
and Hispanic teens as well as blacks have been known to
expose their underwear. “It has nothing to do with
fashion,” he said. “It has to do with decency and hygiene.”
The bill, approved by subcommittee Wednesday, now goes to
the House Judiciary Committee.

————————————————————
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————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Actually, the problem is this question: Why are we giving
OUR money to ANY bank so that they can LOAN it BACK to US
at INTEREST? Me GIVING you a dime so that you can LOAN me
a dime and then me “re-paying” your dime plus a penny seems
VERY foolish to me. And yet, that is exactly what we’re
doing with these “bailouts”! -Tom
[Good point. The only people getting screwed here is the
American tax-payer!]

Lewis, this woman must be a saint to care this much for her
horse – most people would’ve just put the poor animal out
of its misery. A lot of pet owners – myself included – will
spend hundreds of dollars trying to save a beloved pet, but
think how much daily effort and money she must be investing.
Or she may be independently wealthy… and have lackeys…
never mind. yours in bizarreness, Gretchen
[Another thing to consider is that you can sell horse meat.
You can't do that with a dog.]

Hi Lewis, As a former resident of UT, I am familiar with
their liquor laws. The membership fees are a hassle and an
annoyance, but not bad enough that people will leave the
state just to go to the bar. People do cross state lines
to buy booze for home consumption. Sometimes, you just want
“real” beer. (The state liquor stores do have beer that is
stronger than 3.2 percent) Best, Kyle
[They won't be dealing with that any longer. So much for the
boot-legging industry in Utah.]

In regard’s to Lance’s comment “$12 a year for a membership?
Driving to Colorado to avoid paying the membership fee?
Who’s the fool here?” We are talking about a state who’s
top industry is tourism. I skiied Utah once, it was awesome,
but the difficulty in having a varied nightlife due to their
insane laws makes me choose Colorado for future destinations.
-Tim

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

It is too bad that Barack Obama’s rhetoric of change doesn’t
apply to human stupidity. That is still alive and thriving,
particularly in Texas where today’s story takes place.

You would think that if there is one place in the country
where you would not want to pull something like this off it
would be in Texas, where everybody and their brother carries
a firearm, but apparently this woman did not think that far
ahead, deciding to go on a shooting spree with….a bow and
arrows.

Police and witnesses said that 33-year-old Julie Parker
entered her father’s workplace with a hunting bow and arrows,
and for a still unknown motive, shot a man named Armando
Silva in the chest. She then produced what appeared to be a
handgun and pointed it at other employees.

Two employees who are licensed to carry concealed handguns
then fired “numerous” shots at Parker, hitting her several
times, investigators said.

Parker dropped her pistol, which later was found not to be a
real gun, and retreated to an office with the bow and arrow.
Workers at nearby businesses took cover and called police.

When police arrived they were forced to shoot Parker several
more times before she was finally subdued and gave up her
bow.

I think the the lesson here is, don’t bring a bow and arrows
to a gun fight…or maybe Texas women are insane. Either way,
don’t mess with Texas. Better just to leave them the hell
alone!

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+————- Bizarre History Test Answers ————–+

The following is a sample list of “history” of the world
from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by
teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade
through college level.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-
Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of
human history.

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly
noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off
the trees.

On April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot
in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
The believed assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suppos-
edly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time
became the Father of Our Country. The Constitution of the
United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to
keep bare arms.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English
put tacks in their tea.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miquel
Cervantes. He wrote “Donkey Hote”. The next great author
was John Milton. Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.” Then his
wife died and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”

***

———- Would-be robber trapped in bank doors ———–

DAYTON, Ohio – Witnesses said an attempted bank robber in
Ohio was foiled after he became trapped between security
doors while trying to flee the scene. Bystanders said the
man entered the National City Bank branch Tuesday morning
in Dayton and handed a note to a teller demanding money,
the Dayton Daily News reported Tuesday. However, bank
employees activated a security system as the man attempted
to leave the bank and he became trapped in between the
interior and exterior doors of the bank, witnesses said.
He attempted to break through the exterior door but was
interrupted by the arrival of a Dayton police officer,
who took the man into custody. Investigators said the
suspect was taken to police headquarters for questioning.

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————- Artist spots fakes at gallery ————–

DELHI, India – One of India’s most popular artists says
he visited an exhibition of his works in Delhi only to
discover many of the paintings were fakes. S.H. Raza, 85,
said he arrived for the inauguration of the exhibit at
the Dhoomimal Gallery and found the majority of the paint-
ings were forgeries, The Times of London reported. Gallery
owners Uday and Uma Jain said some works were donated for
the exhibit by Raza, while the 30 paintings alleged to be
fakes were donated by the artist’s nephew, Z.H. Zafri. The
Jains apologized to the artist and said the exhibit was
shut down half an hour after Raza expressed his doubts.
“When I reached the gallery and started looking at the
canvases on the walls, I was stunned,” said Raza, who is
suing his nephew. “As I moved from one canvas to the
other, I realized that the works were just not mine, they
were all fakes,” he said. “I will turn 86 next month. At
this stage of my life, this was the last thing I wanted
to do — grace an exhibition of my own fake paintings.”

———- Police: Robber’s target bank moved ————

NICHOLASVILLE, Ky. – Police in Kentucky said an attempted
armed robber left a former bank without any loot after
finding the facility had been converted to a water district
office. Nicholasville police spokesman Scott Harvey said
the suspect entered the Jessamine South Elkhorn Water
District office, which used to be a Farmer’s Bank, at about
1 p.m. Tuesday and brandished a revolver, The Lexington
(K.Y.) Herald-Leader reported. Harvey said the suspect
“left with nothing” after employees explained to him that
the bank had left the building. No one was injured in the
incident, police said. Diana Clark, office manager for the
water district, which moved into the building Dec. 15, said
the attempted robber was not the first to make the mistake.
“We’ve had people come in here asking to cash a check,”
Clark said.

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——— Man with slow car beats speeding rap ———–

STAPLE HILL, England – A British man says he’s “glad he
fought the system,” getting prosecutors to drop charges
he drove his Honda Civic 98 mph after he proved it can’t
go that fast. Dale Lyle, 21, of Staple Hill, England, said
he received a letter from the Crown Prosecution Service
informing him that a speed camera had clocked his car at
98 mph, The Daily Mail reported. Lyle said he decided to
contest the charge, which carries a maximum fine of $1,430
and a six-month driving suspension, and magistrates in
court challenged him to prove his claim that the 14-year-
old car was unable to reach 98 mph. The motorist said he
paid $860 to buy back his car, which he had recently sold,
and spent the same amount to hire an independent expert to
test drive the car. The test found that the car was unable
to reach speeds above 85 mph. A spokesman for the Crown
Prosecution Service said the charges were dropped after
prosecutors “came to the conclusion that there was no
longer sufficient evidence to provide a prospect of a
conviction.” “I’m really glad I fought the system and won
but I think I will have trouble getting the money I spent
back,” Lyle said. “The whole thing has been a complete
shambles and waste of money. It’s shocking how hard it has
been for me to prove my innocence.”

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————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Hi Lewis, Just thought I’d let you know about some more
‘tasty’ food from across the pond. We have a crisp (potato
chip) manuafacturer that makes such flavours as Pickled
Onion, Marmite, and Worchester Sauce. Then we have their
latest line which includes Onion Bhaji, Cajun Squirrel,
Fish & Chips, Crispy Duck & Hoisin, Chilli and Chocolate,
and Builder’s Breakfast (egg, bacon, sausage and beans).
I only wish I had that good of an imagination to make this
up. -CJ
[Come on, who doesn't enjoy Duck & Hoisin potato chips?]

Hey Lewis, are all men cat haters or what? My cats get in
my bed and talk to me all the time. Hit them with a shovel?
Maybe you need to be hit with a shovel. Sounds like contempt
prior to investigation to me. -Valerie
[You know, three hundred years ago women who talked to cats
were considered witches.]

i am surprised at your comment about Barak O’bama. haven’t
you heard about the “black” irish?

As a first time reader of your newsletter I must say that
it all is very intersting and that I look foraward to more.
–krsitin
[It's always a little difficult the first time, Krsitin, but
it gets better...wait a minute...are we talking about the
same thing?]

Ah Lewis, I enjoy your newsletter very much and admire your
strength to get up each morning knowing you are going to
piss someone off that day…Kudos my friend! –Jen
[Bizarre News is not designed to 'piss someone off' it is a
medium for reporting the world's curiosities and a forum for
enlightened discussion.]

Remember the old saw about not using public restrooms because
you might get crotch rot or butt fungus from the toilet? As
it turns out…if that public bathroom is in a restaurant or
bar you might be better off using the toilet than ordering a
drink.

In a test of ice cubes from 49 fast-food and casual-dining
restaurants and hotel bars in the city and suburbs, the
Chicago Sun-Times found that more than one of every five
samples contained high levels of bacteria.

By comparison, a water sample taken from a toilet in a men’s
room tested cleaner than the ice obtained at 21 of the
restaurants and bars.

Nearly all of the ice tested that came from self-serve ice
machines had low levels of bacteria or none at all. Hotel
lobby bars, where ice is often transported by and handled
by multiple people, didn’t test as well: Three of four bars
tested had ice with high levels of bacteria.

“It’s not like you’ll see people dropping over dead or huge
numbers getting sick because it’s going to take just the
right bacteria and the right person to make them ill,” said
Penn State University’s Brian Swistock, co-author of the
university’s publication “Water Tests: What Do the Numbers
Mean?”

But high bacteria levels such as those found in some of the
ice cube samples might help explain some of the stomach ills
people get.

Well, I’m suddenly hungry. Who wants to go to lunch? The iced
tea is on me.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+————— Bizarre December Holidays —————-+

December 1 is National Pie Day and Eat A Red Apple Day

December 2 is National Fritters Day

December 3 is National Roof-Over-Your-Head Day

December 4 is Wear Brown Shoes Day

December 5 is National Sacher Torte Day

December 6 is National Gazpacho Day and Mitten Tree Day

December 7 is National Cotton Candy Day

December 8 is Take It In The Ear Day

December 9 is National Pastry Day

December 10 is Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales

***

———- Granny Robber suspect to be tracked ————

FRANKLIN, Ohio – A 68-year-old Ohio woman suspected of
being the so-called Granny Robber behind three bank
robberies will be tracked by authorities, a judge has
ruled. Franklin Municipal Court Judge Rupert E. Ruppert
ruled that while Barbara Joly will remain free as
investigators look into her alleged connection with the
heists, her daily actions will be tracked by Global
Positioning System satellites, The Cincinnati Enquirer
said Wednesday. Chris Atkins, Joly’s attorney, said after
Tuesday’s hearing that the tracking effort will help his
client in case any similar heists are committed in the
future. “It’s as much for her to be accountable for her
whereabouts as it is in case someone tries to imitate
her so we will know where she wasn’t,” Atkins told the
newspaper. Joly is the main suspect in three bank robberies
in the area since May, including a recent heist at the
Huntington Bank in Franklin, Ohio. She was officially
charged last Friday in relation to the third theft. The
moniker Granny Robber came about as the suspect in the
robberies was identified as an elderly woman wearing
sunglasses and a scarf, the Enquirer said.

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——- Seuss lawyers crash Louisville Grinch gala ——–

LOUISVILLE, Ky. – Louisville, Ky., boosters say the city’s
annual Christmas celebration will go on as scheduled
despite last-minute changes made to mollify Dr. Seuss’s
lawyers. Light Up Louisville was supposed to have a “How
the Grinch Stole Christmas” theme this year but that plan
caught the eye of Seuss Enterprises in San Diego, which
sent attorney Barbara Orr to point out copyright issues
to the city, The Courier-Journal newspaper in Louisville
said Tuesday. Orr fired off a cease-and-desist letter to
the Louisville Convention and Visitors Bureau, which then
agreed to change the name of the kids’ play area from
“LouWhoVill” to “Lou-Ville” and is benching the guy in
the Grinch costume, the newspaper said.

——– Man, skid loader, stolen ATM take tumble ———

LEAVENWORTH, Kan. – A Kansas man, a skid loader and an
allegedly stolen ATM all survived a 50-foot tumble down
an embankment during a burglary, police say. Leavenworth,
Kan., Police Chief Patrick Kitchens told The Kansas City
Star the 49-year-old suspect sustained only minor injuries
after mishandling a stolen skid loader he had allegedly
used to pry an ATM loose from a federal credit union
Sunday morning. Kitchens said the suspect had succeeded in
using the machine to lift the ATM from its moorings, and
allegedly decided he could break it open by dropping it
down a steep hill. But instead of just the ATM going over,
the suspect, trapped inside the skid loader’s cage, also
tumbled down the embankment and through a wooded area,
landing near some parked semi-trailers, the Star said.
“It is stunning that he is still alive,” Kitchens told the
newspaper. “We are talking about a 50-foot embankment —
basically straight down. He has the ATM, which basically
weighs 3,000 pounds.”

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———– Pianist’s skull appears in Hamlet ————-

STRATFORD-ON-AVON, England – An English concert pianist
who died 26 years ago has been granted his final wish —
to appear on stage in Hamlet playing the skull in the
graveyard scene. Andre Tchaikowsky’s skull has been used
in rehearsals since he willed it to the Royal Shakespeare
Company, The Sun reported. Now, the skull has finished a
run of performances in Stratford-on-Avon, with actor David
Tennant as Hamlet holding it up while intoning, “Alas,
poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio…” The company didn’t
let audiences know they were seeing a real skull until the
last performance. The Polish-born pianist, who died of
cancer at the age of 46, was a fan of William Shakespeare
and especially of “Hamlet.” He made frequent trips to
Stratford to see RSC performances. “It was Andre’s dream,”
Dave Ferre, a friend of the pianist’s family, said. “They
will be pleased he has made it on stage.” Tennant, best-
known as the latest incarnation of “Doctor Who,” plans to
use Tchaikowsky’s skull again when the “Hamlet” production
opens in London. David Howells, the RSC archivist, says a
real skull hasn’t been used since the 19th century.

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————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Is this bacon chocolate England’s effort to redeem them-
selves of a reputation of nasty cuisine? Does it come with
a side of marmite? Honestly, I think it’s all a sick way
of addressing sexual frustration. God knows it won’t help
their dental situation at all. -Kyndria
[Bacon and chocolate is a way of addressing sexual
frustration? As in...bacon and chocolate will make you so
sick you won't worry about the fact that you're not getting
any in the sack? I don't get it.]

Many, Many years back my Carin terrier ran away. Two years
later I got a call from the Humane Socity that they had my
dog. I told them I didn’t own a dog. They discribed the
dog and I was surprised to find it was my missing dog Raggs.
I went down to pick him up. They fined me because he had
an expired license and he hadnt had his shots for two years.
While I was telling them how wrong it was for these charges
they informed me I owed them for three days room and board
for Raggs also. I paid the fine.
[If it were me I would have just denied the dog was mine.]

I just must say, you made me laugh today. what a concept!
-Gail
[And this wasn't even a spam email about how tiny my penis
is.]

Hiya Lewis! I had to laugh when I read about the car thief
who was attacked by grocery shoppers, one of whom smacked
him in the head with a frozen turkey. He may be the only
person ever to be hospitalized because somebody flipped the
bird at him! -Jody

Lewis, Your anonymity bothers me so much that I ask you to
either identify your self or remove me from your mailing
list. Sincerely, David
[You've figured me out. I'm really Maury Povich.]