You know you’re getting your money’s worth out of a wedding
reception when the police have to arrest the groom.

Police in Louisiana said a groom was arrested after his
nephew refused to abide by the dress code of the reception
hall by pulling up his saggy pants.

Kenner police said the officer on detail at the Crystal
Plantation during the wedding reception asked Samuel Lucas,
19, to comply with the dress code — both bride and groom
had to sign a contract promising to observe the dress code
before using the facility — and pull his pants up higher.

Lucas disputed the officer’s assertion that his underwear
was showing.

“I have beaucoup witnesses. All my cousins and everything
said my pants were not sagging,” he said.

Lucas’ father, Walter Lucas, 52, began arguing with the
officer and resisted when the officer attempted to escort
him out of the reception hall. Groom John Lucas, 53,
allegedly grabbed the officer’s arms and tried to prevent
him from retrieving handcuffs from his car.

The police report said Samuel Lucas shouted and cursed at
the officer during the confrontation.

All three men were arrested on charges of disturbing the
peace, while Walter Lucas was also charged with resisting
an officer and the groom was charged with obstruction of
police.

But there is one thing I am confused about…I have been
to a lot of weddings and receptions in a lot of different
venues, and not one of them have been staffed by police.
Is this standard procedure for weddings in Louisiana?

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+———— Even More Bizarre June Holidays ————-+

June 21 is Cuckoo Warning Day

June 22 is National Chocolate Eclair Day

June 23 is National Pink Day

June 24 is Museum Comes To Life Day

June 25 is Log Cabin Day

June 26 is National Chocolate Pudding Day

June 27 is National Columnists Day

June 28 is Paul Bunyan Day

June 29 is Camera Day

June 30 is Meteor Day

***

——– Woman, 70, skydives after heart transplant ——–

VANDALIA, Ill. – A 70-year-old Missouri woman who received
a heart transplant in 2001 said she lived a lifelong dream
by skydiving in Vandalia, Ill. Judy Kaufman of Chesterfield
said she jumped out of a plane at 11,000 feet Sunday at the
Archway Skydiving Center with her husband, two sons and
grandsons looking on from the ground, the St. Louis Post-
Dispatch reported Monday. “It was the most exhilarating
thing I’ve ever done,” Kaufman said after her tandem jump.
Kaufman, who lived with heart disease for 10 years before
receiving her new heart in 2001, said she is not finished
skydiving and hopes to jump with her teenage grandsons as
soon as they are old enough. “People have to know that
transplants give people a second chance to live,” she said.
“I’m living for my donor. I feel it’s my obligation to do
it for her and her family.”

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———– More than 300 tango in Denver park ————-

DENVER – Participants in an annual Argentine tango party
in Denver said more than 300 people danced at the outdoor
event despite rain early in the day. The event, the ninth
annual gathering organized by social group Tango Colorado,
celebrates Argentine tango, which evolved as an improv
street dance inspired by traditional ballroom tango.
Participants told The Denver Post that rains early Sunday
in Denver dampened the outdoor plaza at the city’s Cheesman
Park, but the skies cleared and dancers said the event
went off without a hitch. Bob Stang, president of Tango
Colorado, said nearly half of the people who attended
Sunday’s dance traveled from out of town, and many came
from far-flung states. “With tango, no matter where you
go, you meet a lot of new friends. When you’re traveling,
they teach you where to go, what to do and where to eat,”
Stang said.

——— Alaska man’s beard named world’s best ———–

ANCHORAGE, Alaska – A man with a beard in the shape of a
snowshoe was awarded the top prize during the the 2009
World Beard and Moustache Championships in Anchorage,
Alaska. David Traver, 43, of Anchorage, bested 140 facial
hair-wearing competitors from around the globe to win the
commemorative gold pan and salmon fishing trip reserved
for the man with the world’s coolest beard, the Anchorage
Daily News reported Monday. Traver’s beard featured 20.5
inches of facial hair dyed multiple colors and woven by
beard stylist Ledjha Carson into the shape of a snowshoe.
The beard champion, who also took home the top prize in
the freestyle beard category, said he now plans to shave
his face clean for charity. He said his beard will be
shaved in the name of whoever makes the largest donation
to Covenant House. However, Traver said shaving doesn’t
mean he is done with facial hair. “I’ll probably grow a
mustache,” he said.

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———– Woman sets 4 1/2-hour craps record ————-

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. – A New Jersey woman broke the world
record for shooting dice by throwing the bones 154 times
before she “sevened out,” casino officials said. The
Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa in Atlantic City said Pat
DeMauro, of Morris County, bought into the craps game
for $100 Saturday and held the dice for four hours and
18 minutes, besting the the three-hour, six-minute world
record that has stood unchallenged since May 28, 1989, The
Press of Atlantic City reported Monday. DeMauro said the
record-breaking game was only her second time playing
craps. “I got on a roll and just kept going for about four
and a half hours — and I was learning the game as I went
along,” DeMauro said. “Most of the men that were there
were really excited because I was bringing them good luck.”
DeMauro, who declined to reveal how much money she made
from the game — she said only that “it was a good night”
– said Borgata officials approached her after the end of
the hot streak and treated her and a friend to Dom Perignon
champagne, a free meal and a complimentary stay at the
hotel. Borgata spokeswoman Noel Stevenson said that while
the Guinness Book of World Records does not list dice-
shooting records, such accomplishments are recorded by
several gaming organizations.

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Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
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Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

lewis, love your newsletter. it always makes me laugh. the
bizarre holidays are interesting. hmmm june 18… oh no!
i was born on International Panic Day!!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
-aimee

Lewis, June 18 is International Panic Day? Oh my God! What
am I gonna do? Quick, give me some ideas! Help me with this!
What plans should I make? Damn! -Nervous Nellie in Nevada
[You should hook up with aimee...you sound like you were made
for each other. Let me know how things turn out.]

Lewis: Here in Los Angeles there was a man named “Simon Rodia”
(I may have misspelled the name) that went out in his front
yard and built some towers. Beer bottles, old iron bars, junk
etc but now is it a “Public Monument” and brings visitors from
various places. I know the city tried to tear down the towers
but the towers were stronger than the equipment sent to tear
them down. So that is the solution to my yard, it is not Junk
it is “folk art”. -John Meacham
[In that case my garage and basement are full of 'folk art'
according to my wife.]

hi lewis, here in Texas they are “this close” to passing a
law making it LEGAL to carry a concealed weapon on college
campuses. you are the smartest man i know so i wanna know if
you think this idea is as stupid as i think it is? -girliegirl
[I don't know what the laws are in Texas, but in other states
a person must be licensed in order to carry a gun. If you pass
the background checks and the application process I don't see
why a person shouldn't be allowed to carry a gun on a college
campus. All of the maniacs who shoot up schools don't seem to
have any compunction over bringing guns on campus.]

Lewis, Just read your mail about weddings in funeral homes
and cemeteries. I just thought I would mention about the
Forest Lawn Cemetery in Buffalo, NY that has been doing that
for years, They recently opened up a tour called Sunday in
the cemetery. It is very popular. Keep up the good work.
-Fred
[I guess in a way having a wedding in a cemetery is ironically
appropriate.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

A masked man calling himself Shadow Hare says he is on a
mission to make life safer for the denizens of Cincinnati.

Shadow Hare, who has revealed only that he is 21 years old
and from Milford, Ohio, said he is part of the “Allegiance
of Heroes,” a nationwide network of real-life masked crime
fighters who communicate via the Internet and sometimes
travel to each other’s cities for team-ups.

“We help enforce the law by doing what we can in legal
standards, so we carry handcuffs, pepper spray … all the
legal weapons,” Shadow Hare said. “We will do citizen’s
arrests. We will intervene on crimes if there is one
happening in front of us.”

Shadow Hare said the life of a costumed avenger has its
risks — two years ago he suffered a dislocated shoulder
while trying to help a woman who was being robbed. However,
he said neither injury nor criticism will keep him from his
mission to make Cincinnati a better place.

“My message to Cincinnati is that there is still hope and all
we have to do is stand together,” he said from the Harecave
in his parents’ basement.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+————— More Bizarre May Holidays —————-+

May 11 is Eat What You Want Day and Twilight Zone Day

May 12 is Limerick Day

May 13 is Leprechaun Day

May 14 is National Dance Like A Chicken Day

May 15 is National Chocolate Chip Day

May 16 is Wear Purple For Peace Day

May 17 is Pack Rat Day

May 18 is International Museum Day and Visit Your
Relatives Day

May 19 is Frog Jumping Jubilee Day

May 20 is Eliza Doolittle Day

***

——— Man says he shot himself in his sleep ———-

NORTHPORT, Ala. – An Alabama man with a bullet wound in
his shoulder told police he shot himself by accident
while sleeping with a 40-caliber handgun. Capt. Lloyd
Baker of the Tuscaloosa Metro Homicide Unit told The
Tuscaloosa (Ala.) News the man’s life was not in danger.
The man, 34, whose name was not reported, lives in an
apartment complex in Northport in northwestern Alabama.
He said he was sleeping with the gun in his bed and must
have accidentally pulled the trigger as he slept.

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———- Soccer team apologizes for Klan pics ———–

TORQUAY, Australia – Officials with an Australian soccer
team apologized for pictures of the Ku Klux Klan that were
used to promote an event called “All White Night.” John
McMahon, manager of the Torquay Tigers Football Club, said
the pictures of Klan members were posted on the Internet
by a volunteer, a retired member of the club, without the
knowledge of officials, The Age reported Thursday. McMahon
said the promotional pictures for the “All White Night”
event — which refers to clothing and not racial identity
– were changed to Disney character Snow White and the
volunteer who posted the Klan images will receive counsel-
ing. “I don’t know what his thought processes were,”
McMahon said of the volunteer. “One person’s mistake is
not a reflection of our club.”

——— Maximum fine for nude walk in Singapore ———-

SINGAPORE – A pair of university students in Singapore, a
man and a woman, were each fined $1,350 for taking a walk
in the nude through a commercial area. Eng Kai Er, 24, and
Jan Philip, 21, were sentenced Thursday to pay the maximum
fine for an obscene act after they admitted to taking a
nude stroll through Holland Village on a Saturday evening
in January, The Straits Times reported Thursday. Court
papers said the students took the walk “to seek thrill.”
William Chan, a lawyer for the duo, said the National
University of Singapore students attempted to check whether
public nudity was an offense before taking their walk, but
they were unaware that the act is considered an obscene
act under the Penal Code. Chan said the pair are exchange
students and their actions may have been the result of
cultural differences. “While certain things are accepted
overseas, they may not be in Singapore. They are students.
Perhaps they were immersed in a different culture,” he said.

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———— Judge quotes lewd poem in ruling ————-

LUTON, England – A British divorce judge ruling in a
custody case quoted a famous poem about parenting that
included a four-letter profanity beginning with “f.” Lord
Justice Nicholas Wall said in granting custody to the
mother of a 9-year-old boy — a decision that overturned
a lower court’s ruling giving custody to the boy’s grand-
parents — that both the mother and father had come “within
a whisker” of losing their rights as parents, The Sun
reported. Wall said the boy had been harmed by the parents’
“ongoing mutual dislike and recriminations” toward one
another after their relationship ended. The judge quoted
Philip Larkin’s 1971 poem, “This Be the Verse,” saying:
“They (expletive) you up, your mum and dad. They may not
mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they
had, and add some extra, just for you.” Wall said the
quoted lines “give a clear warning to parents.”

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Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
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Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Hey, Lewis: I was disappointed to see that more publicity
for the President’s plane was needed. To take a “joy ride”
around New York for kicks is a HUGE waste of taxpayer’s
money. WHY, in Heaven’s name, did they DO it??
[I explained it (from my viewpoint, anyway) in the last issue.
The federal government wastes hundreds of billions of dollars.
Hundreds of billions...thrown away. I gave a couple examples
in the last issue. Three hundred thousand dollars for a couple
dozen publicity photos? That isn't even a drop in the bucket.
There is no accountability.]

Lewis: The local CBS radio affiliate here in New York reported
that the Air Force said the over flight cost us taxpayers
$328,000. Nice, eh? -Bob
[I read that number, too. They should have given that money
to me, I would have PhotoShopped some pictures for them, and
with that money I could retire five years early.]

Hi Lewis, There is no one aircraft that is Air Force One!
These 747’s are just part of the Air Force’s VIP fleet and
carry normal Air Force serial numbers. It is only when the
President is onboard that the aircraft becomes Air Force One!
-Geoff
[That is correct. However there are two specific planes that
are specifically tricked out to serve as Air Force One. I saw
a special about it on The History Channel.]

Hi Lewis, And the newspaper in Pittsburgh actually said
Obama was “terribly distraught” when he learned of Air Force
One flying so close. But for us with a brain, unlike the
masses in America, Obama is the one who authorizes Air Force
One to fly. But the Ostrich and sheep people of our country
know nothing about anything, and they’re the ones who elect
our leaders.. how very sad. -Alison
[I have to admit, Alison, that I don't know, but it would
seem unlikely that ONLY the president can authorize the plane
to fly. Can you imagine if the president had to be interrupted
every time they needed to do a training flight or move it
around from place to place? He probably did not know about
this particular little stunt.]

Lewis, I forward your letter to 10 of my friends that I have
on a group email. I don’t know if any have signed up yet. I
have a few less raunchy friends so I have to delete some of
your remarks such as your current fun with Botticelli. Keep
up the great work, you really make my morning. -Carole
[Well, Botticelli like to paint chubby chicks...so you have
to be a little bit of a chubby-chaser to get off on them.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Whoever said young people aren’t industrious any more? Take
this young go-getter for example. Police in New Jersey said
a man tricked patrons at two restaurants into giving him a
total of $186 by pretending to be a waiter.

Investigators said a man in his 20s with a spiky hair style
approached two women dining at Hobson’s Choice restaurant
in Hoboken and accepted their $90 cash payment for their
meal.

The man was next spotted at Margherita’s Pizza and Cafe at
about 9 p.m. the same day and asked three women at a table
if they were ready to pay.

“He took the money from them and walked straight out of the
restaurant,” said Anthony Buzzerio, the restaurant manager.

Buzzerio said the restaurant was forced to comp the women’s
bill.

“Once we saw that they had put the money on the table — we
wouldn’t charge the customers twice,” he said.

“This is the first time I’ve come across something like this,”
Buzzerio said. “Hopefully he gets what’s coming to him.”

Well, he got nearly 200 bucks coming to him. That’s not bad
for having some balls.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+—————– Bizarre Sports Quotes —————–+

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
“I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I
want all the kids to copulate me.”

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skins say: “I’d run
over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of
the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys
line up alphabetically by height.” And “You guys pair up
in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints General Manager, when asked
after a loss what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed
to comment on lousy no good officiating.”

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision
not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was
afraid I’d get shot.”

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I
told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or
apathy?’ He said, “Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.”

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach,
John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear
earrings.”

And the Gem: Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his wife on all road trips, Phillips
responded: “Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.”

***

——– Wrong turn: Scooter flagged on 70 mph road ——–

CHERITON, England – British police said an 89-year-old
man took a wrong turn on his mobility scooter and wound
up on a 70 mph motorway. Officers said they took the man
home Tuesday after maintenance workers found him traveling
8 mph on the shoulder of the M20 in Cheriton, England,
the Daily Mail reported. “I could not believe it when I
saw him casually driving towards us. It was frightening,
but when we stopped him he was determined to carry on
along the M20,” said a maintenance worker who asked not
to be named. “He said he had been shopping in Cheriton,
but mistakenly taken the wrong junction and ended up on
the motorway.”

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———- Realtor offers free divorce with home ———–

HUELVA, Spain – A Spanish real estate company is offering
a free divorce lawyer as an incentive to couples who
purchase three-bedroom homes in Huelva province. Officials
with Geimsa realtors said the deal is aimed at couples who
have been postponing divorce because they can’t afford new
homes, Britain’s The Daily Telegraph reported. “A divorce
is very expensive,” said Vanesa Contioso of Geimsa. “So we
are offering new clients the free use of our lawyers to
handle the process.” The deal applies to married couples
who purchase three-bedroom homes for at least $89,000 in
Huelva province.

——- Italian town to have graveyard Web cam ——–

POLLICA, Italy – The Italian town of Pollica will soon
offer Web cam services that enable people worldwide to
check on the graves of their loved ones, Mayor Angelo
Vassallo said. Vassallo said because of numerous requests
from tourists to be buried in the southern Italian town,
the decision was made to sell tombs equipped with video
and audio equipment, the Italian news agency, ANSA,
reported Thursday. The mayor said the technology will
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offering glimpses into the area’s scenery. “We’ve decided
to sell 150 tombs and, what’s more, give them the long-
distance technology needed for distant relatives to
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meditative atmosphere.”

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———— Couple wed as ‘Shrek’ characters ————-

BARNSTAPLE, England – A British couple said they spent
three hours in makeup before their wedding so they could
walk down the aisle as characters from the “Shrek” films.
Christine England, 40, and Keith Green, 44, of Barnstaple,
England, used green paint and costumes to turn themselves
into Princess Fiona and Shrek while guests at the wedding
dressed as other characters from the animated films,
including Donkey and the Gingerbread Man, the Daily Mail
reported Thursday. “Every girl wants a fairytale wedding
and I got one — with a bit of a twist. It was a real
laugh,” England said. “The idea just came to me. I knew
what we would go as them because Keith looks just like
Shrek.” The couple said they hired a makeup artist to
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experience to say the least, but a thoroughly enjoyable
one. We love the films and my wife tells me I have
resemblance to Shrek,” Green said.

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————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

The Bromsgrove, England woman who complained about her
neighbor’s naked lawn gnomes would never survive in Oslo,
Norway. There are statues of naked people all over Oslo.
–Harold
[I'd be more impressed if there were just naked people
all over Oslo. I happen to think Norwegian women are hot.]

The Extreme Hand Boxing was unimaginable stupidity. I bet
they were brain dead before they even started.

Lewis: The woman in England needs to get 2 more gnome
statues. The one of the male and female nude gnomes having
sex, and the one of the gnome standing there giving the
finger. (That one should be pointed at the pain in the ass
neighbor’s house.) Besides, kids are like most of us and
think garden gnomes are kind of ugly, and ignore them.
(yes both statues are available.) -Bill
[Hey! There's a difference between art and porn...I'm just
not sure what it is. But there's a difference!]

Lewis, yes I had an “office” romance 26 1/2 years ago, and
we recently celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. They
don’t all work out this way, but, I figure if you start
dating someone that you’ve worked with for awhile, at least
you know they don’t mind working and contributing to the
financial side of a marraige. -Bob
[That is as good a basis to start a relationship on as any,
I guess.]

I have been a Bizarre News subscriber for many years. It
was always a bright spot in my inbox at the office. I retired
at the end of 2008 so now I get BN at home. The first thing
I did upon retiring was get thyroid cancer. While recovering
from surgery (successful, thank you very much) I still look
forward to my regular dose of BN. Keep the good times comin’
and thanks for all the laughs. You do make a difference.
-Jim d.
[Thank you, Jim. Stay subscribed and stay healthy!]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Everybody knows the economy is in the toilet right now and
unemployment numbers have been creeping up. But if you are
looking to pad your resume with a little bit of variety in
your work history you might want to listen to this young
man who recently got fed up with the job market.

A University of Southern California graduate says he is in
week 30 of his effort to work 50 jobs in 50 states within
the span of 50 weeks.

Daniel Seddiqui, 27, said he conceived of his job-hopping
scheme after becoming frustrated with trying to find em-
ployment in the current job market.

“I was just tired of employers telling me to call in three
weeks,” he said.

Seddiqui said his jobs so far have included caring for race-
horses in Kentucky, coordinating weddings in Las Vegas,
working pit crew for Panther Racing in Indianapolis and as
a border patrol agent in Arizona. This week he is working
at recording studio Sound Kitchen in Nashville.

“This was my dream,” Seddiqui said. “I wanted to go to every
state. As a kid, I stared at maps and I still do. Now, I’m
doing this in real life, even though it’s the hardest time
to find jobs.”

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+——————— Bizarre Facts ———————-+

When antelopes become excited and leap vertically into the
air, it is called “pronking.”

The average human bladder can hold 13 ounces of fluid.

When in the shower, 75 percent of people wash from top to
bottom.

In poker, a pair of Queens is also referred to as a
“Seigfried & Roy.”

The army controlled by the Wicked Witch of the West in The
Wizard of Oz were called the Winkies.

***

———- Man urinated on woman during flight ————

HONOLULU – A federal judge in Hawaii sentenced a man to
21 days in prison after the man pleaded guilty to urinat-
ing on a fellow airline passenger. Jerome Kenneth Kingzio,
28, of Saipan, Northern Marina Islands, pleaded guilty to
assault by urinating on a 66-year-old woman during a
March 21 flight from Los Angeles to Honolulu, the Honolulu
Advertiser reported. U.S. Attorney Ed Kubo said the victim
had been watching the in-flight movie when Kingzio stood
next to her and began urinating.

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————————————————————

——– Official says honorary toilet a bit much ———

GNOSJO, Sweden – An official in the Swedish town of Gnosjo
says a municipality tradition of honoring an employee’s
25 years of service went too far with a toilet purchase.
Stefan Nilsson, Gnosjo human resources head, said the town
should change its practice of allowing employees to choose
any item worth as much as the traditional gold watch in
honor of 25 years of faithful service, The Local said
Friday. “I, and many like me, think that the purpose (of
the loose policy) has gotten a little out of hand,” Nilsson
said. The local official was reacting to an unidentified
Gnosjo employee’s decision to purchase a new toilet for
himself on his employment anniversary. For Nilsson, the
concept of a loyal employee thinking of Gnosjo while using
the bathroom item is not a palatable idea. “A memorial
gift should be something you remember,” he told the Local.
“Is someone supposed to sit on a new toilet and think back
on their years with Gnosjo municipality?” For future
honorary gifts, Nilsson suggests necklaces, bracelets or
even a nice crystal vase.

———— Ga. city reverses karaoke ban ————–

LILBURN, Ga. – An Atlanta suburb has brought back karaoke,
allowing restaurants once more to lure customers with
sing-alongs, darts, pool and trivia contests. The Lilburn
council banned “interactive entertainment” at establish-
ments that serve alcohol two years ago. The action came
amidst a controversy over a specific restaurant, which has
since closed. “Lilburn has matured, and we want to keep
it vibrant,” Mayor Diana Preston told The Atlanta Journal
Constitution. “Our focus is keeping our business community
strong and that means a diversity of businesses.” The
council revised its liquor law again Tuesday. Bob Carmen,
owner of the Oyster Barn Grill & Bar said he thought the
ban was “provincial.” But he said he does not plan to
bring back the karaoke machines and other entertainment
paraphernalia that the previous owner removed in 2007.
Instead he says his focus is to lure customers with his
food.

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——— Woman, 86, made burglary suspect cry ———-

TREHARRIS, Wales – Police in Wales said an 86-year-old
woman used her metal crutch to beat a 26-year-old burglary
suspect to tears and forced him to sit and wait for
officers. Gwyneth Davies, who is recovering from pneumonia,
broken ribs and a hip fracture, told police she was on her
way to bed when she discovered the man in her kitchen, The
Sun reported. Davies said she struck the man four times
with her metal crutch and ordered him to sit on a stool
in her kitchen while she called the authorities. “I lashed
out. He was bent over the worktop pretending to cry,”
Davies said. “It was better than going to the pictures.
The police arrived and asked if I was all right. I said,
‘You’re asking the wrong one!’” Detective Constable Justin
Noble said police officers were impressed with Davies.
“She’s my new heroine,” he said. The suspect was arrested
and charged with burglary.

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————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Office romances aren’t just for the young. At the last place
I worked at there are a couple of women “in their 40s” (that
I commonly refer to as bar hounds), that do their best to
keep guys morals up “as well as other things”. I worked in
assembly maintenance on nights and we kept the oil for the
ATV transmissions on the north mezzanine. It got to the point
to where I was hesitant to grab another tote of oil for the
temporary blindness I might suffer. No doubt something TZ
would jump at but some of us do have standards…..lol
[Mmmm...when I think of hot, steamy sex the first thing I
think of is transmission oil.]

This is a great question of: Why can’t everyone drive golf
carts? The real question we should be asking is: Why doesn’t
everyone drive golf carts? If we can solve that problem
instead of laying on the guilt trip maybe something will
change. As my coworker just said, “Stop talking about
problems and start talking about solutions.” -John
[If you're not part of the solution you're part of the
problem. How long have you been driving your golf cart?]

Feed the girl meat – explains why my home made but tasty
biscotti failed with the gal at work. -Steve.
[Try slipping her your canoli.]

Lewis, if meat doesn’t work, try spicing up your sex life
with some biting. My husband LOVES when I bite him, a
little pain…..a quick response, he’s ready to play! I
discovered this unusual reaction by accident, I was trying
to be mean, retaliating for a lost wrestling match. SCHWING!
Now it’s a useful tool. -Kris
[Wow! Thanks for that little peak into your bedroom, or
private dungeon, or wherever that stuff takes place. How
does your husband explain the bite marks all over his body?]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Imagine there is a girl you’re sweet on. You know her, she
is in your circle of friends and acquaintances. You’d really
like to me MORE than just friends, so you decide to prepare
a meal for her. You bring it over to her, maybe you even
share it together. She’s impressed. Bing! The next thing you
know you’re rolling around having monkey sex. Literally.

The scenario I just described to you has been observed in a
group of about 20 adult chimpanzees in Cote d’Ivoire’s Tai
National Park in West Africa.

By stealthily following the troop, behavioral ecologists
Cristina Gomes and Christophe Boesch of Max Planck Institute
for Evolutionary Anthropology in Germany carefully noted
which male chimpanzees copulated with which females. The
researchers found that she-chimps put out more often for
males that shared food with them at least once, compared to
stingy males who never offered meat.

Chimpanzees are known to hunt regularly, said Gomes, and
earlier field studies showed males shared meat with females,
but until now the scientists were at a loss to explain
exactly what they got in return for this.

Now, by studying females in active and inactive phases of
their mating cycles, the researchers have shown that males
develop long-term partnerships with various females. In
these partnerships, the males continuously provide morsels
of meat to the females, who in turn mate with them during
sexually active phases of their cycles.

Apparently what is true for humans is true for chimpanzees,
once you start regularly providing for a woman you’re stuck
with for the rest of your life.

The new observations “indicate that wild chimpanzees exchange
meat for sex, so that sharing meat with females improves a
male’s mating success and a female’s meat intake,” said Gomes,
in what we can only assume is a German attempt at sexual humor.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+————– Bizarre Holiday Observances —————+

International Talk like a Pirate Day

Go for Broke Day

National Sarcastics Month

International Moment of Frustration Scream Day

National Whiners Day

International Panic Day

Blame Someone Else Day

Have a Bad Day Day

Get a Different Name Day

National Inane Answering Message Day

(From toptenz.net)

***

———- Man ticketed for cursing at neighbor ————

TEXAS CITY, Texas – A Texas man ticketed for cursing said
his statements about his neighbor’s cat were “greatly
taken out of context.” Joseph Loflin of Texas City said he
confronted his neighbor, Michael Rainey, after discovering
cat feces on his lawn, KPRC-TV, Houston, reported Tuesday.
“‘Your cat has been back there defecating in my back
yard,’” Loflin said he told his neighbor. “I used the slang
word, the four-letter word to describe what the cat was
doing.” Rainey said his 13-year-old daughter was within
earshot of the conversation. “I said, ‘Look, I’ve asked
you twice. This is the third time. Don’t use that language
in front of my daughter,’” Rainey said he told Loflin.
“That’s when he responded, ‘There’s nothing wrong with the
word, and if I want to use the word, I’ll use the word.’”
Loflin, who is due in court April 22 on a disorderly
conduct citation, said the charge was an overreaction.
“I didn’t call him a filthy name,” Loflin said. “I didn’t
call him… I didn’t use any profanity towards him. I used
it as a noun, then I used it as an adverb to describe what
his cat was doing. I think it was greatly taken out of
context.”

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————————————————————

———– Woman sues over senior center ban ————-

MONROE, Wis. – A 78-year-old woman who was banned from
a Monroe, Wis., senior center said she is suing to be
allowed back into the facility. Edith Milestone, 78,
alleges in her lawsuit against the city-owned Behring
Senior Center that it violated her free speech rights in
October by kicking her out for complaining about how a
card game was being scored, the (Madison) Wisconsin State
Journal reported Monday. The suit also alleges that the
center’s code of conduct is too broad and vague. Center
Director Tammy Derrickson said in an Oct. 24 letter to
Milestone that she was being banned from the center
because she was disrespectful toward other members and
used abusive language. The letter also said the senior
citizen engaged in physically threatening conduct. “I
regret that I was forced to take this action, but feel
you have left me with no other choice,” Derrickson wrote.
The letter said the banning stemmed from the Oct. 23 card
game as well as “numerous other incidents.” The lawsuit
is seeking compensation and an end to the current code of
conduct for the center.

——– Epileptic emu farmer frets over windmills ———

GULLIVERS COVE, Nova Scotia – A Canadian emu farmer in
northwestern Nova Scotia said he is concerned a proposed
windmill nearby will kill his birds or trigger his
epileptic seizures. Davey and Debi VanTassel run the
Ocean Breeze Emu Farm in Gullivers Cove, and told The
Chronicle-Herald newspaper in Halifax one of 20 proposed
wind turbines will be about a half mile from their
property. The couple said emus have been known to die from
noise and vibration. They said a test mill erected last
year in the county drove coyotes from the area to their
farm, where five emus were killed this winter. Debi
VanTassel told a recent community meeting she feared for
her husband’s health, as the flickering of sunlight through
the windmill’s blades could trigger epileptic seizures.
She said they avoid dances where strobe lights are used
and they have no wallpaper in their home, as patterns can
trigger a seizure, the report said. Their town is consider-
ing a proposal to erect 20 turbine towers with an output
of 30 megawatts, the newspaper said.

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————————————————————

——– Public library bans offensive body odor ———

CHICAGO – The director of a public library in Schaumburg,
Ill., says her facility will not admit visitors whose
personal body odor interferes with others’ activities.
Schaumburg Township District Library Director Stephanie
Sarnoff said the decision to add offensive body odors to
the library’s list of prohibitions was based on complaints
from library guests regarding a homeless person, the
Chicago Tribune said Monday. “People who use libraries are
usually very understanding about the foibles of others,”
she said. “So when one or more library users complain that
another person’s hygiene is of such poor quality that it
is prohibiting them from pursuing what they want to do,
their problem becomes our problem.” But advocates for the
homeless maintain those without homes are hard pressed to
remain clean and odor free. “I really can’t think of any
cases where I’ve met someone who says, ‘I like the fact
that I smell,’” Todd Stull, who heads up a HOPE Center
in Palatine, Ill., told the Tribune. “It really is a fact
of not enough money and not enough places willing to help
them stay clean. They sort of become these victims of
circumstance.”

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————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

As far as office romances go, I met and married the office
receptionist back in ‘75. The kids are now 28 and 30.
-Al in NV.
[That's what I call a success story.]

Dear Lewis: I had an office romance that lasted 18 years!
He was the (married) love of my life. At first it was
just sex.. but over the years we grew to be best friends
and lovers and it was wonderful. You can be very creative
when finding places to make love. One time I’m reminded
of was in his car in the parking lot of a restaurant.
Sound boring? The police car parked next to us seemed to
be VERY interested in what we were doing! I had to hold
very still and they thought he was alone in the car while
my head was buried in his lap. Close calls, but sweet
memories! -Patty
[It is not my job to say whether giving head to another
woman's husband in the parking lot of a restaurant should
be considered a 'sweet memory' or not, but I have to applaud
your bravery in telling that story...not to mention pulling
it off for 18 years!]

An ant can carry 10 times it’s body weight. Why is it
humans have to build a steel machine 10 times as big and
heavy as the person just to carry them back and forth to
work. Seems to me someone could build a fully enclosed golf-
cart looking 1 or 2 seat vehicle, throw in a radio and AC.
Have it run 45 or 50 mph and get 100 miles to the gallon.
[Such vehicles exist. All you have to do is get people to
buy them. Of course, a little golf cart won't service a
family of five or six...or haul anything more than one or
two people, or perform very well in snow, but in all other
circumstances, I don't see why not.]

Every single one of your stories are Wonderful. The BESTEST
and BIZZARESTEST! I Love it. I will just keep reading and
even writing about it every chance I get. Very Much Love to
you, and, THANK YOU -Wendy
[It's hard to argue with that!]

Lewis, In all the info I have seen about global warming,
people talk and talk about the effects of the pollutants
from cars. Has anyone considered how much heat is being
stored by the millions of miles of roadway. How much co2
is staying in the air because we destroy all these plants
which take in CO2 and convert it back to oxygen with new
paving projects? What about the effects of building all
these new buildings and parking areas? Maybe what we need
isn’t a new tech to replace cars with, maybe we just need
fewer roads and more parks. -Joanthan
[If I were going to be concerned about that I would be more
concerned with the destruction of millions of acres of
forests per year in South America and Africa over the con-
struction of a few roads and parking lots in the U.S.]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Nobody really wins in this story, but the lesson to come
away with is never insult a man’s girlfriend’s mother when
you’re drinking in a pub in Ireland…unless, of course,
you either want to get your hand chopped off or get punched
in the face with a bloody stub.

28-year-old Charles Russell of Dublin was remanded in custody
pending sentence after pleading guilty to recklessly causing
Peter Rogers serious harm at The Deputy Mayor Pub.

Apparently Rogers had said something insulting to Russell’s
girlfriend’s mother which led to the attack.

The detective in charge said that Mr. Rogers had been in the
pub with a number of friends that day when he heard someone
shout, “there’s the c**t” before he was struck from behind
with a hammer. This blow came from Russell’s friend who was
then wrestled away by bar staff.

Russell then stepped up and swung a samurai sword at Rogers,
severing his hand. The victim later reported that he did not
notice that he lost his hand, which must have been due to
shock or the 15 pints of Guinness he had been drinking.

Rogers struggled with Russell and at one stage punched the
accused in the face with the stump of his arm. He was finally
restrained by the bar manager but managed to escape and fled
the scene.

A customer picked up the hand and placed it in ice. The victim
was taken to the hospital where he underwent emergency surgery
to re-attach his hand. Ta da!

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+—————– Bizarre Book Titles ——————-+

How to Avoid Huge Ships by John W. Trimmer

Scouts in Bondage by Michael Bell

Be Bold with Bananas by Crescent Books

Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself by Dale L. Power

The Flat-Footed Flies of Europe by Peter J. Chandler

101 Uses for an Old Farm Tractor by Michael Dregni

Across Europe by Kangaroo by Joseph R. Barry

101 Super Uses for Tampon Applicators by Lori Katz and
Barbara Meyer

[HowStuffWorks, Inc.]

***

——– KFC set to fill up potholes and stomachs ———

LOUISVILLE, Ky. – Kentucky Fried Chicken says it will move
beyond filling up patrons’ stomachs, by providing pothole
repair for residents of Louisville, Ky. The fast-food chain
has offered to fill up potholes throughout Louisville in
return for the right to stamp the newly repaired road
hazards with the stencil slogan, “Re-freshed by KFC,”
Advertising Age reported. “This program is a perfect
example of that rare and optimal occurrence when a company
can creatively market itself and help local governments
and everyday Americans across the country,” said Javier
Benito, KFC executive vice president of marketing and food
innovation. Louisville Mayor Jerry Abramson appeared ready
to support the KFC proposal given the budgetary constraints
facing many U.S. cities. “It’s great to have a concerned
corporation like KFC create innovative private/public
partnerships like this pothole refresh program,” the mayor
said in a statement.

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————————————————————

——— Police say fingernails gave away robber ———-

CHELSEA, Mass. – Police in Chelsea, Mass., say a bank
robbery suspect was apprehended after being identified by
her orange fingernail polish. A witness said the woman
who made off with $450 in cash from the Sovereign Bank
Wednesday had nails coated with a bright burnt orange
fingernail polish, The Boston Globe reported. The robber
presented a note demanding money to a teller and left the
scene after the bank employee complied, police said. Thanks
to another witness who wrote down the license plate number
of the fleeing robber’s vehicle, police quickly located
their suspect. After tracing the license plate and locating
the accompanying vehicle, police found their suspect,
Margaret Christie, and her flashy fingernails, the Globe
said.

———- Geographers map 7 deadly sins in U.S. ———–

LAS VEGAS – Geographers have mapped the sinfulness of the
United States, attempting to come up with numbers for each
of the seven deadly sins. Thomas Vought and colleagues
at Kansas State University devised indexes for sloth,
gluttony, lust, greed, wrath, envy and pride, The Las Vegas
Sun reported. Sloth was based on spending per capita on
arts and entertainment compared to the employment rate;
gluttony on fast-food outlets per capita; lust on rates of
sexually transmitted disease; greed on average incomes
compared to the number of people living below the poverty
line; wrath on violent crimes per capita; and envy on
property crimes. The researchers decided that pride is the
master sin and therefore merged the rates of the lesser
sins. Vought presented the findings at the American
Geographers’ meeting Tuesday in Las Vegas, a city some-
times regarded as the sin capital of the United States.
The researchers said the Las Vegas area, Clark County,
beats the rest of Nevada in most sins but ranks third
behind southern gambling centers like Biloxi, Miss., in
pride.

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————- Tennessee could ban saggy pants ————-

NASHVILLE – A bill that would ban low-riding trousers that
expose the wearer’s boxers or briefs in the state of
Tennessee has won approval from a legislative subcommittee.
House Bill 2099, known as the “Saggy Pants Bill,” would
impose fines of up to $1,000 on violators, The Memphis
Commercial Appeal reported. The money would be dedicated
to the purchase of school supplies, including books and
sports equipment. Rep. Karen Camper, a Democrat from
Memphis, accused her colleagues, including Rep. Joe Towns,
a Memphis Democrat who sponsored the bill, of “trying to
legislate fashion.” She said teens would get misdemeanor
records needlessly. “My question to you Mr. Towns is:
What is the demographics you are targeting with this
legislation?” she asked. Towns responded angrily that white
and Hispanic teens as well as blacks have been known to
expose their underwear. “It has nothing to do with
fashion,” he said. “It has to do with decency and hygiene.”
The bill, approved by subcommittee Wednesday, now goes to
the House Judiciary Committee.

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————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Actually, the problem is this question: Why are we giving
OUR money to ANY bank so that they can LOAN it BACK to US
at INTEREST? Me GIVING you a dime so that you can LOAN me
a dime and then me “re-paying” your dime plus a penny seems
VERY foolish to me. And yet, that is exactly what we’re
doing with these “bailouts”! -Tom
[Good point. The only people getting screwed here is the
American tax-payer!]

Lewis, this woman must be a saint to care this much for her
horse – most people would’ve just put the poor animal out
of its misery. A lot of pet owners – myself included – will
spend hundreds of dollars trying to save a beloved pet, but
think how much daily effort and money she must be investing.
Or she may be independently wealthy… and have lackeys…
never mind. yours in bizarreness, Gretchen
[Another thing to consider is that you can sell horse meat.
You can't do that with a dog.]

Hi Lewis, As a former resident of UT, I am familiar with
their liquor laws. The membership fees are a hassle and an
annoyance, but not bad enough that people will leave the
state just to go to the bar. People do cross state lines
to buy booze for home consumption. Sometimes, you just want
“real” beer. (The state liquor stores do have beer that is
stronger than 3.2 percent) Best, Kyle
[They won't be dealing with that any longer. So much for the
boot-legging industry in Utah.]

In regard’s to Lance’s comment “$12 a year for a membership?
Driving to Colorado to avoid paying the membership fee?
Who’s the fool here?” We are talking about a state who’s
top industry is tourism. I skiied Utah once, it was awesome,
but the difficulty in having a varied nightlife due to their
insane laws makes me choose Colorado for future destinations.
-Tim

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

They know how to grow up ‘em in Maryland, as evidenced by
their 2008 Miss Outdoors winner. This is not some vapid
beauty contest for bubble-headed teenagers. No, Maryland’s
Miss Outdoors has to display some real talents, like muskrat
skinning.

The key to successful muskrat skinning is a very sharp knife
the outgoing Miss Outdoors, Dakota Abbott, said. 17-year-old
Dakota, who won the Miss Outdoors title in 2008, earned $100
and a set of muskrat traps by winning the women’s junior
championship trophy in a muskrat-skinning contest last week-
end.

The tradition of Miss Outdoors competitions and muskrat
skinning began in 2003 when contestant Tiffany Brittingham
donned a sharp knife, along with jewelry and makeup to show
off her skinning skills. There is an image for you.

This year’s competition even included a contestant who
scalded a large chicken before plucking the feathers from
the bird.

But once the judges’ votes were tallied in this year’s Miss
Outdoors event, Abbigail Tyler was victorious — thanks to
her singing performance of “Red High Heels.”

Emcee Buddy Foxwell had one unusual pageant request for all
contestants, “All contestants are reminded to take your
carcasses home with you.”

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+———– Even More Bizarre March Holidays ————+

March 21 is Fragrance Day

March 22 is National Goof-off Day

March 23 is National Organize Your Home Office Day and
National Chip and Dip Day

March 24 is National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day

March 25 is Pecan Day and Waffle Day

March 26 is Make Up Your Own Holiday Day and Spinach
Festival Day

March 27 is National “Joe” Day

March 28 is Something On A Stick Day

March 29 is Festival Of Smoke and Mirrors Day

March 30 is I Am In Control Day

March 31 is Bunsen Burner Day and National Clams On The
Half Shell Day

***

———- Two charged with gorilla head theft ————

APPLETON, Wis. – Two Minneapolis men have been arrested
and charged with theft after they allegedly stole the
head off of a Wisconsin store’s mechanical gorilla. Jesse
Varga, 24, and John Jenness Jr., 28, are scheduled to
appear March 10 for the misdemeanor charge in Wisconsin’s
Outagamie County Court after police said they took the
head off of a mechanical gorilla that had been displayed
for 15 years outside of Balloon Magic in Appleton, Wis.,
the Appleton Post-Crescent reported Thursday. They alleged-
ly tore the head off the gorilla, causing $1,500 in damage
to the item, on Thanksgiving Day and had the head “mounted
in a position of prominence” in their apartment, police
said. Minneapolis police said they discovered the head
in the apartment after an anonymous tip to Appleton
authorities. Varga and Jenness could each face up to
9 months imprisonment and a $10,000 fine.

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———- Councilman turns toilet into planter ———–

SNELLVILLE, Ga. – A Snellville, Ga., city councilman who
was warned for having a messy yard said he cleared away
all of the junk except a toilet that he converted into a
planter. Councilman Robert Jenkins was issued a warning
in January after Snellville Mayor Jerry Oberholtzer gave
police pictures of the toilet, a broken-down car and
other junk in the official’s yard, The Atlanta-Journal
Constitution reported Thursday. Jenkins said he got rid
of most of the offending items, but the toilet was instead
moved next to his driveway, surrounded by a halo of stones
and made host to a tulip, two bunches of daffodils and two
iris plants. “I just hated to get rid of it,” Jenkins said
of the commode. “It was in good shape. I’m waiting for some
warm weather to get it blooming. “It’s my contribution to
folk art, not to mention I do love to see things grow.”
Oberholtzer chuckled Tuesday when he was told of how
Jenkins had complied with the warning. “It’s good to hear
he cleaned up his act,” Oberholtzer said. “I certainly
wouldn’t put that in my front yard,” he said of the toilet
planter.

——– Man says he was pulled over for laughing ———

LIVERPOOL, England – A British motorist said he missed an
important appointment when he was pulled over by a police
officer for laughing behind the wheel. Gary Saunders of
Liverpool said he was talking to his brother-in-law on a
hands-free phone and laughing at a joke when he saw a
traffic officer flash police lights and signal for him to
pull over, The Daily Telegraph reported. Saunders said he
was asked to get out of his car and the police officer
said: “Laughing while driving a car can be an offense.” He
said the officer questioned him for half an hour before
letting him continue driving. “I couldn’t believe it when
he told me I’d been pulled over for laughing,” he said. “I
definitely wasn’t speeding so I asked what the problem was
and he told me I was laughing too much.” Saunders said the
officer took up half hour of his time by ordering him to
take his driver’s license and other documents to the police
station. “It went from ludicrous to unbelievable. He
definitely had a bee in his bonnet about something and I
got the brunt of it,” he said. “In the end he reluctantly
admitted that he had nothing he could accuse me of, but
still required me to take my documents to the station.”

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——— Zoo cancels poop sale due to herbicide ———-

SEATTLE – A Seattle zoo said it is canceling its spring
“Zoo Doo” fecal compost sale due to high levels of
herbicide in the manure blend. That’s Crappy! Woodland Park
Zoo officials said unacceptable levels of the herbicide
clopyralid were detected in the compost, which is comprised
of manures from several animals, straw bedding, wood chips,
leaves and grass, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported.
“We deeply regret that Zoo Doo will not be available for
our many loyal users,” zoo representative Dan Corum said.
“Gardeners can be assured that they will get the quality
they expect from Zoo Doo when it’s available again this
fall.” Officials said the Zoo Doo will be used around the
zoo, as clopyralid is not dangerous to the animals. They
said the sale was canceled because the herbicide could kill
some of the garden plants that it is meant to fertilize.
Woodland Park Zoo spokesman David Schaefer said the
facility sells about 1 million pounds of Zoo Doo each year
to several hundred gardeners who are chosen by lottery.

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————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, Regarding the bit about LA County trying to go curse
free…. a few years ago, a dude on my bowling league was
upset with the language he heard, so he wanted everyone to
put a quarter into a bucket every they swore. The idea
quickly fizzled when we nicknamed it the F**k-it Bucket.
He got so pisssed, he quit the league! -BB
[Did he say "F*ck-it" when he left?]

Lewis, I fail to see the bad parenting in this but if it were
me, I would tell them both, PACK YOUR BAGS AND GET OUT YOU
ARE NO LONGER MY SONS. -Bob
[You fail to see how a guy getting smacked in the head with
a snow shovel by his own sons is a failure in parenting? What
would you call it?]

The proper term for the anatomy is buttocks, not “anus” .
The anus is the actual opening which ain’t pretty no matter
who looks at it! The opening is gross while some people
find the buttocks pretty. -NYLG
[Not that I want to turn this into an issue of Great Sex-
pectations, but some people would argue with you.]

“People don’t want handouts! People want hand jobs!” This
is B.S with regard to a lot of people. Some are born into
welfare and a job is the last resort. Some states pay so
well that taking a job would result in a financial cut
back. But what the hell? Taxpayers can afford it, right?
-Rick

To your comment about people not wanting handout but hand
jobs: Roger that. And BOY, did we get a hand job in the
last election – eh? -Bob.

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

Can you say bureaucratic bullshit? How is this for bizarre;
The state of Washington is sending out hundreds of thousands
of $1 checks to the state’s neediest residents. It’s a plan
that is supposed to bring millions of dollars worth of food
stamps to the state by March.

Leo Ribas, head of community services at the Department of
Social and Health Services, says there’s a method to the
state’s madness.

“We’re trying to do this at a time when people need assistance
the most,” said Ribas.

He says if the state’s food stamp recipients receive just $1
for energy bill assistance, that qualifies them for extra
federal assistance.

In other words, sending out $1 checks at a cost of $250,000
to the state could bring the state and additional $43 million
in federal funding.

Got all that? This is a perfect example of huge amounts of
money falling through bureaucratic cracks. At this point it
is not even corruption any more. When a bureaucracy gets big
enough money just starts disappearing. Imagine what it is
like on the federal level!

And people wonder how, while they pay 33 percent or more in
taxes, the federal government can still be $7 trillion in
debt.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+—————– Bizarre Test Answers ——————+

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to
do what she did. Other women have become scientists since
her, but they didn’t get to find radios because they were
already taken.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the
apple.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife
was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the
animals come onto in pears.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed
to get the tombstone off the entrance.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
clipper.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “caesarian section.”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels, and you get
intercontinental.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
perspire.

The seventh commandment is “Thou shalt not admit adultery.”

***

——– Police: Man who shot TV mad about digital ———

ST. LOUIS – Police said a 70-year-old Missouri man was so
upset by the switch to digital television broadcasting
that he opened fire on his TV set. Walter Hoover, 70, was
arrested and charged with unlawful use of a firearm after
his frustration over losing his cable and his inability to
make his digital converter box function properly allegedly
led him to his act of violence against electronics,
KSDK-TV, St. Louis, reported Monday. Investigators sad
Hoover’s wife told officers that he had been drinking
alcohol prior to the gunfire.

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——– 13-year-old hijacks, smashes Beijing bus ———

BEIJING – A 13-year-old boy stole a city bus in Beijing,
smashed it into a dozen vehicles and knocked down two
utility poles before the escapade ended, police say. “It
was like watching a blockbuster movie when I saw the bus
crashing into cars like a bulldozer,” a man identified
only by the surname Liu told Xinhua as he described the
Sunday morning excitement. The state-run news agency
reported Monday the bus’s driver had gotten out to use
a toilet when the slender, 5-foot-5 youth got into the
driver’s seat, apparently started the bus without a key
and drove off. The teen zigzagged through traffic, hitting
a car and a minibus before putting the bus in reverse and
hitting 10 more vehicles and the two power poles. One car
was pushed through the front door of a clinic. Liu was
having breakfast at his shoe-repair stand nearby when he
saw the bus coming at him like a “dancing dragon.” “I
threw my canteen and ran for my life,” he said. No one
was injured but the boy reportedly was trembling and quiet
when finally grabbed by three people who kicked in the
bus’s door.

———– Jail for woman after speeding lies ————

BIRMINGHAM, England – Authorities in Birmingham, England,
said a woman was sentenced to two months in jail after she
attempted to avoid a speeding ticket by lying to police.
Investigators said Sema Ali, 43, initially told police
that she had been speeding — an offense which carries an
$87 fine — because four men had attempted to run her
Renault Megane off the road, The Times of London reported
Monday. Police said Ali then convinced her husband,
Mohammed Nawaz, to lie and tell police that someone else
was behind the wheel when the speed camera photographed
the vehicle in April 2007. Ali and Nawaz both pleaded
guilty to perverting the course of justice. They were both
sentenced to two months in jail, while Ali was also fined
$87 for the traffic offense and received three points on
her license.

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———- Skydiver narrowly missed power line ———–

BRATTLEBORO, Vt. – Authorities in Vermont said a skydiver
was brought safely to the ground after he nearly collided
with a 7,200 volt power line and clung to a voltage
regulator. Brattleboro Police said Cameron King — a
veteran jumper with Orange, Mass., skydiving company
Jumptown — was blown off course by a strong gust of
wind during his Saturday jump at the Brattleboro Winter
Carnival, the Brattleboro Reformer reported. “You could
see he was coming down very fast, then all of a sudden his
parachute kind of wasn’t with him, and then it looked to me
he kind of looped into (the power lines,)” said Rosemary
Harris, president of the Winter Carnival. Central Vermont
Public Service spokesman Steve Costello said power was shut
off during the rescue, causing about 3,029 customers to
experience temporary outages between 1:58 p.m. and
3:13 p.m. EST. Costello credited the skydiver’s clear head
with saving his life. “He could have touched a lot of
things while waiting to be rescued,” Costello said. “He
was very calm and listened to direction. “Our crew said
they thought he didn’t realize how much danger he was in,”
Costello said. “As they explained what (the power lines)
could have, done he teared up, and it was finally becoming
clear to him what he had escaped.”

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————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Hi, Lewis: Not so much for the funny letters department, but
just for future reference, dynamite (used on the whale) and
the black powder you referred to are two very different
things. One is diatomaceous earth (usually) soaked in nitro-
glycerin, and is used for blowing things up. The other is
essentially a mix of saltpetre, sulphur, and charcoal and
is packed into old-fashioned guns for smoky civil war re-
enactments and Kentucky rifle competitions. -Wendy
[Wendy, would you feel uncomfortable if I told you that I
think chemistry is sexy?]

I think it is distasteful to use Anna Nicole Smith in your
bizarre couples list. Its to soon after her tragedy. Other
than that, I’ve loved your news for years! -Kaitey
[I don't think she minds.]

Any self-respecting couch potato can tell you that the ex-
ploding whale video shows up almost every week on one of
the approximately 10,000 weird video programs. Bring me
a beer. –Harold Frodge
[I told you it was an old story!]

Lewis, I’ve subscribed to your newsletter from work for two
years. Now I quit and am sort of a “homemaker” in a way. I
just got DSL hooked up and have an extra bill to pay now.
Is there any way that I could make just enough a month to
pay for the DSL from home with my computer? How is it done?
I’m way up in Montana in the boonies, don’t know if that
makes a difference. let me know if you can. Thanks, Babz
[Sure. It's called web porn.]

Hi Lewis! There was a great story in the Seattle Times about
a man who was in his home when two men broke in. He sneaked
out the back door and called 911. When he got to the front
of the house, he saw a white van parked in front with the
engine running. So he hopped in and drove away with the
burglars’ getaway vehicle! -Jody
[Good one, Jody. However, the story said that the thieves
were not apprehended! I wonder who they determined the van
belonged to.]

One of the advantages of being a Bizarre News editor is
that it is possible to start a conversation anywhere,
anytime. One such incident occurred over the weekend while
I was having lunch with some friends.

I overheard the folks at the table next to us debating the
famous “exploding whale” incident. This is an actual event
that happened in 1970, but is so bizarre it has earned
urban legend status so that nobody even believes it anymore.

A synopsis of the story is that a 45 foot, eight-ton whale
beached itself somewhere along Oregon and promptly died.
After a week or so the stench became so bad that the coast
guard decided to blow it up with dynamite, since that is
much easier than trying to dig a hole large enough to bury
a whale. However, nobody in Oregon had ever detonated a
whale before, so they estimated that it would take
approximately one quarter ton (that’s 500 pounds) of
dynamite to do the job.

They slightly over-estimated.

They moved spectators back one-quarter mile before blowing
the giant mammal, but it was not nearly enough to compensate
for the mountain of black powder officials buried under the
whale. A few moments after the explosion, flaming blubber
came raining down nearly one-half mile from the beach.
People began scrambling for cover in terror. One chunk was
large enough to completely demolish an automobile on which
it fell. Fortunately, personal injuries were minor.

You can see how people might be incredulous about this
story, especially since it is over 30 years old and
evidence for it is scarce. But if you are a purveyor of
the bizarre this kind of thing is old hat.

So before the debate at the next table over true vs. untrue
became heated I interjected. I filled in the details for
them and even suggested that video of the event is still
available on the internet. They proved to be Bizarros at
heart, even if they weren’t subscribers to this newsletter,
and we were soon trading our favorite stories.

At the very least I was able to recruit four new
subscribers, although this is a rather laborious way to
make my readership grow. So if you know somebody who
appreciates the bizarre, forward them a copy!

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+——————- Bizarre Couples ———————-+

Fabien Pretou, standing at 6ft, 2 inches tall, towered over
his 3ft, 1 inch bride Natalie Lucius at their 1990 wedding
in Seysinnet-Pariset, France.

Harry Stevens, 103, married his 84-year-old cousin, Thelma
Lucas, at a Wisconsin retirement home in 1984.

In 1871, Captain Martin van Buren Bates married Anna Hanen
Swan in London. She was 7ft 5 1/2 inches tall and he stood
at 7ft 2 1/2 inches.

When Ruth and Kevin Kimber married in 1990, she was 93 and
he was 28.

In 1863, American dwarf Charles S. Stratton married Lavinia
Warren. He was 2ft, 10in tall and she was 2ft 8 in. In
1884, the widowed Lavinia married Count Primo Magri who
was two inches shorter than her first husband.

In 1995, following a courtship that lasted several months,
100-year-old Samuel Bukoro married 12-year-old Nyamihanda
in Uganda.

In 1994, 26-year-old Anna Nicole Smith tied the knot with
89-year-old millionaire J. Howard Marshall. She was
attracted by his “kindness.” Really?

***

——— Speeding bullet stopped by hair weave ———–

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Police in Kansas City, Mo., said a
woman’s tight hair weave stopped a bullet, keeping her
from injury and likely saving her life. Officers said
they arrived at the Country View Market at about
11:30 p.m. Wednesday to find the woman’s boyfriend had
allegedly shot out the back window of a car, KSHB-TV,
Kansas City, reported Thursday. Investigators said the
woman wasn’t injured after her hair weave stopped the
bullet and her boyfriend was taken into custody.

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———— Suspect tripped up by own pants ————–

PENSACOLA, Fla. – Authorities in Florida said a fleeing
burglary suspect was arrested after he tripped over his
own fallen pants. The Escambia County Sheriff’s Office
said a deputy responded to an alarm at Beer City in
Pensacola, Fla., at about midnight Tuesday and saw a
suspect fleeing through the smashed front door of the
business with several packs of cigarettes in his arms,
the Pensacola News-Journal reported. The office said the
suspect’s armloads of cigarettes prevented him from hold-
ing up his sagging pants, causing the trousers to fall
and trip the suspect. Sheriff’s Office spokesman Sgt. Ted
Roy said the deputy caught up to the suspect and “he had
cigarettes scattered all around him and his pants were
down by his ankles.” The 37-year-old suspect, who was
released from Escambia County Jail after posting $12,000
bond, was charged with criminal mischief, burglary, theft
and possession of drug paraphernalia.

———- Family moves in cave bought on eBay ———–

FESTUS, Mo. – A Missouri family says the credit crunch
has forced them to put up for sale the 17,000-square-foot
home they created in a cave. Curt Sleeper told the St.
Louis Post-Dispatch he and his family, like so many others,
are victims of the credit crunch. He has been unable to
obtain mortgage refinancing for the cave. “We don’t want
to move,” he said. “But we need to protect our equity. We
put everything we had into this home.” So the Sleepers
have listed the cave on eBay. The couple, who have two
children and are expecting a third, bought the cave, a
former mine, five years ago. In the late 1950s, it had
been converted to a roller rink and night club called
Caveland, where Tina Turner and other major stars played.
The Sleepers lived in tents for several years while they
worked on the cave, calling their temporary quarters
Tentworld. The family says the cave in Festus, about
30 miles south of St. Louis, is peaceful, considering
that it is only a few hundred feet from major highways
and below a subdivision. It is located in a small box
canyon with a bog and an assortment of wildlife.

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———– Man catches 6-pound rat in China ————-

FUZHOU, China – A Chinese man said he caught a 6-pound “rat
the size of a cat” by its 12-inch tail in a residential
area of the city of Fuzhou. The man, identified only as
Xian, said he caught the gargantuan rodent after seeing a
group of people crowding around it, The Daily Telegraph
reported. Xian said he grabbed the rat, which he speculated
might be a rare species or other valuable specimen, by its
tail and the scruff of its neck. “I did it, I caught a rat
the size of a cat,” he said before shoving the animal into
a bag. Fuzhou’s local forestry unit said photographs
indicate the large animal was a bamboo rat, but a close
examination would be required for an official identific-
ation. Sumatra bamboo rats can grow up to 30 inches long,
including their tails, and can weigh as much as eight
pounds, The Telegraph said.

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————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

These stupid videos get more and more attention by the dumb
asses because sites like yours keeps showing them. If no
one bothered to watch them perhaps the dumb asses doing
bodily harm to each other would stop making them.
-Susan Robinson
[They might stop making the videos in the (extremely unlikely)
event that people stopped watching them...but I guarantee
they wouldn't stop hurting themselves...so we might as well
get the entertainment out of it.]

Lewis, did you see this one… “A Montenegrin man survived
a suicide bid after buying a coffin from a funeral director,
climbing in and trying to shoot himself. Milo Bogisic, 52,
paid cash for the coffin and asked puzzled staff to wait
while he wrote out his own obituary. Then he jumped into
the casket, put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger
before the shocked undertakers could stop him. But amazed
medics in Podgorica managed to save him when the bullet
passed straight through his chin and nose missing his brain.”

Dear Lewis; It’s ironic that Virgin trains would ban kissing
at the station. Since I have a Virgin Mobile phone, I guess
that means I can’t use it for phone sex. Dang! -Lee
[Maybe not, but you could use it for phone heavy petting, or
maybe phone dry-humping.]

How about Kissimmee Florida! -H Burket
[Not at a Virgin train station.]

Hey Lewis, was your wife the winner or the loser in this
selection process? -Wendell
[Only she could honestly answer that, but I think I should
be given the benefit of the doubt.]

I read about your cancer sniffing cat from Calgary. Maybe
it’s just that Calgarian cats are really smart? My cat
alerted me to a violent ex coming up my stairs. He was
usually docile, and he suddenly reacted loudly and
strangely. He wouldn’t let me answer my door. My ex was
coming to ’settle things’ he later told police. This cat
had done some other amazing things too, I guess they
aren’t totally dumb animals. -Michelle in Calgary

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————

This is the kind of thing you would expect to see on a
Saturday morning cartoon, not on the streets of a major
Texas metropolitan center. Although we are talking Texas
so I guess anything goes.

Investigators say a 45-year-old woman was hit by a car
last Sunday night while she was carrying her grandson
across an intersection in San Antonio.

Police said the 2-year-old being carried by the woman flew
out of her arms, over the hood of the car and rolled into
the vehicle’s sunroof, landing inside the vehicle without
serious injury.

The woman was thrown to the ground by the impact and the
young boy was thrown toward the windshield of the car,
which he rolled up and before landing inside the sunroof,
police said.

The toddler suffered only minor injuries and police said
his grandmother was taken to University Hospital in critical
condition but was expected to make a full recovery.

Police said the incident was being treated as an accident
and the driver has not been charged with a violation.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+————– Bizarre Holidays In January —————+

January 1 is First Foot Day and Z Day

January 2 is Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes
It Day

January 3 is Festival of Sleep Day

January 4 is Trivia Day and Humiliation Day

January 5 is Bird Day

January 6 is Bean Day

January 7 is Old Rock Day

January 8 is National JoyGerm Day and Man Watcher’s Day

January 9 is Play God Day

January 10 is Peculiar People Day

***

——– 16-foot snowman declared safety hazard ———

ANCHORAGE, Alaska – City officials in Anchorage, Alaska,
have deemed a family’s annual tradition of building a
16-foot-tall snowman a safety hazard. The Powers family,
who have been building the snowman — known as Snowzilla
– in their Airport Heights neighborhood yard since 2005,
said city code enforcers left cease-and-desist signs at
the giant snowball that was to have formed the sculpture’s
base, the Anchorage Daily News reported Monday. The
family’s patriarch, Billy Powers, said only the base of
the snowman had been built before the signs were posted,
but he said his children and some neighbors had already
“spent hours and hours of work on it.” The declaration
of Snowzilla as a public nuisance and safety hazard comes
after neighbors complained about the attention it brought
to the neighborhood from sight-seers and camera crews from
as far away as Russia and Japan. City officials told the
Airport Heights community council Dec. 11 that the
structure of the massive snowman was unsafe and the
spectacle increased local traffic to the point of endanger-
ment.

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———- Man sets latke-eating world record ———–

LAKE GROVE, N.Y. – A Canadian man wolfed down 46 potato
pancakes in 8 minutes to take the top spot at the National
Potato Latke Eating Championship in Lake Grove, N.Y. The
contest, held Sunday before the sundown start of Hanukkah,
ended with Pete Czerwinski, 23, besting 10 other eaters
for the title of champion and setting a world record
recognized by the Association of Independent Competitive
Eaters, Newsday reported. Arnie Chapman, chairman of the
association, said Czerwinski devoured the previous record
of 31 latkes, which was set by Massachusetts eater Tom
“Goose” Gilbert in 2006. Czerwinski, who took home a $300
prize, said the secret to his starch-stuffing success is
a lack of communication between his brain and his stomach.
“I’m just a power eater. My brain never signals that I’m
full,” said Czerwinski, described as a muscular 6-foot-2
college student who had never eaten a latke before. Second
place went to Will Millender, a 380-pound Brooklyn college
student who ate 29 latkes.

———- State Trooper Arrested After Abduction ———-

Baltimore, Maryland – Police say off-duty state trooper
Bruce Wrzosek, 22, pulled up to a drive-thru and ordered
up trouble. Baltimore County Police say they were called
to Taco Bell by employees, who said they were being
disturbed by a drunken trooper turning on his siren and
trying to pull people over in the drive-thru lane. Before
police got there, Wrzosek had thrown a 20-year-old man
into the front seat of his cruiser. County police chased
the trooper into a residential area. The witness inside
the trooper car told police it felt like they were going
95 miles per hour during the chase. The trooper failed
the heel-to-toe sobriety test. During the test Wrzosek
said, “That’s great, I’m drunk.” Then before finishing
he said, “I’m done, lock me up.” The county’s investigation
showed there was no reason for Wrzosek to force the 20-year-
old man into his car at the restaurant’s parking lot. The
trooper is charged with DUI, false imprisonment and eluding
police.

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——– Maryland youths faking out traffic cameras ——–

ROCKVILLE, Md. – Some teenage drivers in Maryland are cover-
ing their car license plates with numbers belonging to
teachers and others to fake out traffic cameras, a parent
says. The DailyTech Web site reported Monday the un-
identified parent told the Montgomery County Sentinel a
few young drivers in the county print authentic-looking
numbers on glossy paper and tape them over their plates.
They then race past the traffic cameras, which record the
infraction and produce citations based on the fraudulent
plate numbers. They call the prank “pimping,” the parent
told the newspaper, and teachers and fellow students are
the most popular targets. “This game is very disturbing,”
the parent said. “Especially since unsuspecting parents
will also be victimized through receipt of unwarranted
photo speed tickets.” Montgomery Country police and
education officials said it was a new one on them but told
the Sentinel they would keep an eye out for violators.
“It is unfortunate that kids have a lot of time on their
hands that they can think of doing such a thing,” said
Edward Owusu, an assistant principal at Wootton High
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Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

that asshole Brian has been controlling my thoughts for years
now by feeding me a liquid loosely related to coffee. -david
[If all it takes is tea to control your thoughts you might want
to question what's in that tea! Do you like it with lemon,
milk or Sodium Pentothal?]

What’s even more bizarre about Britain’s traditional Christmas
pudding, is that people actually eat it. I may live here, but
that’s one holiday tradition I’m giving a miss. Not doing the
pig’s head thing either. There’s a valid reason (ok two) why
Britain has a reputation for horrible food. -Candi Sweeney
[Not having the faintest clue what Christmas Pudding is I did
a little research and discovered that it is a mess of things.
More traditional recipes include such diverse ingredients as
beef or mutton mixed with raisins, apples, prunes, wine eggs
and breadcrumbs. Mmmm...dig in! Modern recipes reduce the meat
content of their puddings to suet (which is raw beef or mutton
fat) along with raisins, other various fruits, beer or wine,
and eggs and flour. So I can certainly see your point, Candi.]

Hi Lewis! There’s a reason for the tradition of eating the
head of a pig for Christmas dinner in England… old Norse
tradition said that on the first night of Yule, a live boar
was led into the hall and oaths sworn while touching the
boar’s head, then the boar was sacrificed and feasted on,
its head used for a centerpiece. The Catholic church absorbed
Yule into Christmas, but the tradition lived on, which is why
most households now have ham for Christmas dinner. Guess old
habits really do die hard. DragonMum
[Nothing goes better with a pig's head than mutton and raisin
pudding.]

Hey John, What a silly statement. Do you have any brilliant
insight on how heterosexual couples get together? Maybe all
brides are mail-order? I am gay and I did an informal survey
of many of my friends – lo and behold, not one of them had
a first partner as you described to “show them” they were
gay. I am curious and frightened on what your work with
“male gays” is. -Bob
[Maybe John was under 'Brian' control when he wrote that
comment.]

That dude John who is an “expert” on gay males is an idiot.
I talk from experience, I am a gay male and I knew I liked
guys since I was a pup. I finally figured I was gay around
12 yrs old and I didn’t have or need a 10+ year old male to
tell me anything. John dude you’re a jerk. -Kevin
[Wow. I have a bigger gay following than I suspected. These
are only a couple of several comments I received from ]

I don’t know how I feel about Brian control, except that
everyone who has one, should keep it under control. lol
I hope you get to enjoy special time with your family over
the holiday, and have peace every day. -carol
[Thank you, Carol. I appreciate the sentiment!]