You want to talk about lucky? Two vehicles in Grand Junction,
Colorado were involved in a collision and by bizarre coinci-
dence all six of the passengers in the two vehicles survived
the accident. Why bizarre, you ask. Because the two vehicles
were planes.

The midair accident involved a Mesa County Sheriff’s Office
plane carrying four people, including two prisoners, and two
men in a second aircraft.

“It’s very miraculous,” Barbara Chappell, an assistant at
the Mesa County Sheriff’s Office said.

The sheriff’s plane flew back to the Grand Junction Regional
Airport, while the second aircraft landed upside down in a
field 14 miles southeast of the airport.

Officials hadn’t given a cause for the accident.

“All of a sudden, there was a plane right in front of us,”
said John Haefeli, who was in the second plane being flown
by his son.

He said his son tried to turn the plane’s nose down but the
sheriff’s plane sheared off a section of their tail.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+————— Bizarre Political Insults —————-+

“He makes George Bush seem like a personality”
- Jackie Mason on John Major.

“He is a sheep in sheep’s clothing”
- Winston Churchill on Clement Attlee.

“Winston, if I were your wife, I would put poison in your
coffee.” “Nancy, if I were your husband, I would drink it.”
- A conversation between Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill.

“He could not see a belt without hitting below it.”
- Margot Asquith on David Lloyd George.

“Richard Nixon impeached himself. He gave us Gerald Ford as
his revenge.”
- U.S. politician Bella Abzug on Tricky Dickie.

“Nixon’s motto was, ‘If two wrongs don’t make a right, try
three.”
- U.S. writer Norman Cousins.

“Gerry Ford is so dumb that he can’t fart and chew gum at
the same time.”
- former U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson.

“I wouldn’t say she is open-minded on the Middle East, so
much as empty-headed. She probably thinks Sinai is the
plural of sinus.”
- Jonathan Aitken on Margaret Hatcher.

“A shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
- Harold Wilson on Edward Heath.

***

———– Leopard tattoo man moves from hut ————

KYLEAKIN, Scotland – A 73-year-old British man who once
held the title of world’s most-tattooed man says he has
moved from a remote Scottish coastline because he’s getting
too old. Tom Leppard, an ex-special forces soldier whose
entire body is covered in leopard-spot tattoos, had for
years lived in a rustic hut on the Isle of Skye but has
moved because he couldn’t handle the three-mile canoe trip
to the nearest town anymore, The Daily Telegraph reported
Monday. “I was perfectly happy in the (hut) but I’m like
everyone else — I’m getting too old for that kind of
life,” Leppard told the newspaper. “I had to canoe to
(Kyleakin, Scotland) once a week for shopping and it was
getting too hard for me — I was one big wave away from
disaster. It’s a pretty nasty stretch of water.” The
Telegraph said Leppard, who held the tattoo record until
overtaken recently by a New Zealand man, has moved to a
retirement home, but didn’t indicate where.

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———- Underwear-clad man ignites fireworks ———–

MOUNT ISA, Australia – Authorities in Mount Isa, Australia,
said a man was arrested after he allegedly ran down the
street in his underwear with firecrackers strapped to
his head. Mount Isa Superintendent Les Hopkins said the
22-year-old man allegedly ran up and down Camooweal Street
in the city center wearing only his underwear and a bicycle
helmet with detonating firecrackers bound to it, The
(Brisbane, Australia) Courier-Mail reported Monday. “He was
running close to one of our main roads, where the big road
trains travel,” Hopkins said. “It could have been quite
tragic.” The man was charged with possession of fireworks
and being a public nuisance. He was released after posting
bail.

————- Unusual laws in central Ohio —————

BEXLEY, Ohio – Experts say the suburbs of Columbus, Ohio,
have some unusual laws still on the books, including laws
banning the feeding of grackles and clinging to trains.
Officials said the suburb of Bexley has a law against
feeding a flock of grackles, while New Albany bans putting
laxative in someone else’s food, Hillard bars clinging to
the side of locomotives and Grove City outlaws growing a
wild-carrot or white-top-daisy patch, The Columbus Dispatch
reported. “The code book is very interesting because of
when the codes were put into effect,” Bexley City Attorney
Lou Chodosh said of his city’s ban on feeding the specific
variety of bird. “Many of (Bexley’s) laws involving begging
go back to the 1930s. It’s all a matter of history and the
context of when it was done. “Quite honestly, some of these
get passed because an individual has a concern, and council
says, ‘Sure, we’ll pass that,’ not thinking it will be on
the books forever, though it doesn’t have to be,” Chodosh
said. Chodesh said Bexley passed four ordinances in 1940
that are still in effect that dictated allowed behavior
in bars. However, the city currently does not contain any
bars.

————————————————————
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————————————————————

———— Britain has more rats than people ————-

LONDON – Pest control experts say population figures
indicate there are more rats living in Britain than people.
The pest control company Rentokil estimates there are as
many as 80 million rats in the United Kingdom, which has
a human population of 60 million, The Times of London
reported Monday. Nationwide, calls to pest control units
in Britain have risen by 17 percent, the newspaper says.
Figures show the city of York in the north of England tops
the list of problem towns with a yearly increase of 208
percent in its rat population, Others with a significant
increase in rats are Carlisle, Exeter and Salford. Director
Peter Crowden of the National Pest Technicians Association
warns there will be an epidemic unless citizens reduce
food waste. Many local councils in Britain have reduced
garbage collections to every other week instead of weekly.
“Fortnightly bin collections now mean it’s vital we
recycle,” said Crowden. “Just putting extra food scraps
on compost heaps means fantastic breeding grounds for
rats to spread disease.”

————————————————————
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————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, like most outsiders this guy can’t get the Alaska
facts or jokes straight. The joke is three things. Drink
a 5th of whisky, make love to an Eskimo and shoot a polar
bear. The rest is the pretty much correct. Not too long
ago, two Anchorage DJ’s were suspended for a week or two
and made to take sensitivity training, apologize etc. for
telling that joke. It seems Eskimo women no longer think
it is funny. Also Sara is not an Alaskan Native. We are
not best buds, but Sara and I are acquainted. -Roger
[Please tell her Lewis says, 'Hey.']

Why would it be illegal to pretend to have sex with a
buffalo in an Oklamhoman bar? I guess their women don’t
want the competition -CT
[Apparently neither do Eskimo women.]

Why is it that every president can raise millions for campaign
funding but can’t do the same for the national deficit? Now
that is the guy I would vote for! –Marie
[Well, millions wouldn't even chip the paint on the national
deficit. Plus, even if you could raise a few trillion dollars
it would only be a stop-gap solution. It's a budget problem.
But I like the way you think.]

I hate to say this, Lewis, but I’m finding your stories less
and less bizarre. I refer especially to all the items about
stupid criminals and people caught indulging unusual sexual
fetishes, which have become almost commonplace. I’m afraid
the internet has raised the bar for what I and most people
would now consider truly “bizarre.” –Peter
[I'll try to find some Siamese midgets or something for you.]

Hey Lewis, I am guessing the naked bartender had a special
on “Sex on the Beach” shooters… DC Madam
[I don't think you would want to have sex on any beaches
along the Missouri River (where Alton is located) unless
you get off on screwing in industrial and agricultural
runoff.]

A successful person knows how to use his or her talents to
get what they want. Take the case of Ignacio Pena Del Rio.

The notorious Los Angeles serial burglar has made a deal
to have time taken off his prison sentence in exchange for
creating a training video for the police.

Pena Del Rio, who was sentenced to seven and a half years
in prison for stealing more than $16 million worth of
merchandise from multiple locations in the California
cities of Burbank, Glendale, Los Angeles, Pasadena and Simi
Valley, made a deal with the Los Angeles Police Department
to have six months taken off his sentence in exchange for
the burglar revealing the secrets of his success in a 70-
minute training video for cops.

LAPD Detective Bill Longacre said Pena Del Rio shared infor-
mation in the video that could hopefully lead to more burglar
arrests and prevention. He said the convicted burglar shared
insights into how he chose victims and how he was able to
talk his way out of tight spots on occasions when he was
nearly caught.

“We let him ramble,” Longacre said. “And he gave up a lot of
good information.”

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+—————– Bizarre Advertisments ——————+

[The following ads actually appeared in newspapers]

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***

———— Suspect got away clean, almost ————-

WICHITA, Kan. – A man who broke into a house Wichita,
Kansas, fled in his underwear after the homeowner showed
up unexpectedly and caught him doing his laundry, police
said. Investigators said the suspect, described as a white
male in his 30s, is believed to have entered the home by
breaking a basement window, The Telegraph reported Monday.
The homeowner said the burglar was startled when she
returned home, and high-tailed it out of there wearing
just his blue boxer shorts — and grabbing her purse on
his way. The woman said she managed to chase the intruder
and recover her purse but he half-naked suspect slipped
away.

————————————————————
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————————————————————

——– Deputies use checks to attract fugitives ———

CHICAGO – Sheriff’s deputies in Cook County, Ill., say
they used the promise of federal economic stimulus checks
to draw several dozen wanted fugitives out into the open.
The Chicago-area sheriff’s office said it sent more than
5,000 letters to people with outstanding warrants for
drunken driving, robbery, burglary and other crimes
promising stimulus checks if they visited a store on the
Southwest Side of Chicago, the Chicago Tribune reported
Monday. However, those who showed up were instead put in
handcuffs by deputies participating in “Operation Rebate
and Switch.” Deputies said 66 people were arrested. “We
homed in on what is probably people’s prevailing motivator
at times, which is greed,” Sheriff Tom Dart said. He said
deputies posed as receptionists, clerks and customers at
the dummy “Tax Recovery Experts Inc.” office during the
operation, which he said took about three weeks to plan.

——— Bride and groom arrested at reception ———-

LAKESIDE, Mich. – A wedding reception in Lakeside, Mich.,
ended with the bride and groom spending the night in
separate jail cells after a melee, police said.
Investigators said Andy Somora, 29, and Anna Pastuszwska,
28, both formerly of Chicago, were shocked with police
stun guns and arrested at the July 19 reception at
Burnison Galleries after police officers from 14 depart-
ments were called to calm things down, the Chicago Sun-
Times reported. “The short version of the story is they
didn’t want to quit their partying,” said Mike Sepic,
Berrien County’s chief assistant prosecutor. “If you put
this in the class of wedding receptions gone bad, I guess
this would take the cake.” Somora’s father, uncle, aunt
and cousin also were arrested. Somora pleaded guilty late
last month to a felony charge of resisting and obstructing
police. The groom, who also was charged with disturbing
the peace, could face imprisonment at his Sept. 15
sentencing for the felony charge. Pastuszwska pleaded
guilty to a reduced charge after she was initially accused
of resisting and obstructing. She was fined $600.

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——– Damage award in auction of pot-laden SUV ———

SAN DIEGO – A federal judge in San Diego has awarded
$551,000 in damages to a man who bought a car with
37 pounds of marijuana hidden in it at a government
auction. Francisco Rivera Agrendano spent a year in a
Mexican prison after he was busted at a roadblock near
Ensenada while driving an SUV that turned out to have
packages of moldering pot stuffed in the door panels
and seats. The San Diego Union-Tribune said Monday that
U.S. District Judge Emily Hewitt wrote in a her recently
released opinion that U.S. Customs officials could not
explain how they missed so much contraband when they
originally searched the vehicle; however she dismissed
the contention that agents didn’t tear it apart too much
so they could maintain the resale value. Federal attorneys
were not required to go into much detail on their search
procedures in order to prevent their techniques from being
made public. Rivera told The Union-Tribune in Tijuana
that he was pleased with Hewitt’s decision but said the
amount wouldn’t cover the expenses of his ordeal. Hewitt’s
order specified how much of the award would go to legal
expenses, lost income, the price of the SUV and psychiatric
treatment.

————————————————————
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————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
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Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
<a href=” http://www.gophercentral.com/book/bizarre.html “>
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————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Lewis, you knew I’d have to turn up again somewhere- but
I’m in Iraq right now, not Texas, so those guys are fakers.
Anyway, who are you to go calling people goatsuckers?
I’ve been reading this nonsense for about 10 years now!
-Queetzal
[It's not the people who are goat-suckers...at least not
people outside of Alabama...it's the Chupacabra.]

If after heart surgery and a metal knee, that bull fighter
is back in action, those bulls are going to need a better
voodoo doll.

Come on Lewis,  The foreskin wallet that turns into a suit-
case when you rub it is too funny, or don’t you get it?
[Oh, I get it. It just stopped being funny in 1984.]

Back in 1987 I had to drive to Pasadena on business.  I was
totally sickened by the “wall” I saw in the sky.  That pol-
lution was just awful. Now, in June, my wife and drove over
and through Los Angeles on our way to Santa Barbara and back;
I saw no more “wall” in the sky. So, I guess I must conclude:
Pollution has been lessened. And, if catalytic converters and
other improvements have been instrumental in this result,
then I have to applaud the efforts.  Somehow, I suspect
American technology will succeed if we are to endure and
prevail. I have faith in American ingenuity. Love your
column. Hope high school teachers edit out the sex stuff
and discuss some of the better points in our classrooms.
At least you come across as an open-minded person.
[There are a lot of technologies out there which are un-
developed. I just read about a brand-new technology recently
which combines photovoltaics with hydrogen-producing electro-
lysis. There is wind power and wave power, but all of it is
decades away from being useful on a large scale. I think the
biggest hurdle to developing and exploiting these tech-
nologies is governmental bureaucracy and, of course, social
inertia. People as a whole just don't want to be incon-
venienced by change until it is a crisis.]