Greetings fellow Bizarros:

How is this for a bad day? 27-year-old Chris Parks of Seattle
had just flown back to the United States from a vacation in
Mexico with friends. He was going through customs in an air-
port in North Carolina when his name caught the attention of
Homeland Security personnel. Before he knew it Parks was
arrested and tossed into the county jail in Charlotte and
locked up for one week. When told he was a fugitive, he was
floored. His crime? He was a deserter from the military.

The only problem is Parks was never in the military.

“I’ve been in the Army for 10 years, and didn’t even know
it,” he says. “Just seems kind of odd.”

No one believed him. Parks was ordered to report to Fort
Knox in Kentucky – where he sat and waited and waited some
more with actual military deserters.

His head was shaved, he was issued fatigues. He was afraid
he would be court-martialed.

“I was at Fort Knox for one week – and I almost didn’t get
out,” says Parks.

Parks says when he was 18, he nearly joined the Army. But
at the last minute, he backed out. Apparently, that message
never got through military’s system.

Despite the army’s paperwork showing that Parks went through
basic training in South Carolina, then went AWOL from a base
in Georgia, he insists that never happened, and wonders if
his military recruiter from 10 years ago hung him out to dry
by never processing his paperwork.

Parks says he now carries documents to prove to authorities
he’s not a deserter.

Bizarrely,

Lewis

————————————————————

+—————- Bizarre August Holidays —————–+

August 1 is Friendship and National Raspberry Cream Pie Day

August 2 is National Ice Cream Sandwich Day

August 3 is National Watermelon Day

August 4 is Twins Day Festival

August 5 is National Mustard Day

August 6 is Wiggle Your Toes Day

August 7 is Sea Serpent Day

August 8 is Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night

August 9 is National Polka Festival

August 10 is Lazy Day

***

———– English caves seek resident witch ————

WELLS, England – Officials with western England’s Wookey
Hole Caves said more than 2,000 people have applied to
become the attraction’s new resident witch. Organizers of
the search to find a resident witch for the Wells, England,
caves said the performer will earn $82,000 per year portray-
ing a legendary witch said to have lived in the caves
during the Dark Ages, CNN reported Tuesday. Local legend
states the witch lived with goats in the cave until she
was turned to stone by a splash of holy water from an
abbot. Some proponents of the legend say the frozen figure
of the witch can be seen in the cave’s rock formations.
The witch was alleged to have caused diseases, soured milk
and cursed crops. The organizers said the applicants will
each have one minu to convince a panel of judges that they
have the best cackle and can make good use of their witch
props. They said men, women and transgendered people are
equally welcome to audition.

——– Burglars pick wrong place to sleep it off ———

SWANSEA, Wales – After stealing about $1,154 in liquor,
two burglars decided to celebrate and got so drunk they
fell asleep instead of escaping, police in Swansea, Wales,
said. Burglars Keith Cullen and Paul Wiggins stacked up
the stolen booze outside the store and then went in to
have a drink. Police found them asleep in the store the
next morning, The Sun newspaper reported. A Swansea
prosecutor said closed circuit television recorded the
entire theft of the Kuehne Nagle Drinks Logistics depot.
Police said Cullen turned up for his hearing at Swansea
magistrates’ court so drunk he was prohibited from enter-
ing the building. Wiggins disappeared from the court.
Neither returned so both were tried in absentia. Cullen,
33, and Wiggins, 45, were convicted of burglary and theft
and will be sentenced later this week.

——– Woman in wheelchair fights purse snatcher ———

LONGVIEW, Wash. – A Washington state woman said a would-
be purse snatcher ran off after she rammed him with her
electric wheelchair. Luva Rhodes, who suffers from congest-
ive heart failure, said she was sitting in her wheelchair
outside her residential care facility in Longview when a
man who appeared to be 18 or 19 years old walked around a
corner and tried to grab her purse, KPTV, Portland, Ore.,
reported Tuesday. Rhodes said the man was unable to free
the handle of the purse from where it had been wrapped
around her chair and she rammed the attacker to make him
give up his pursuit of her valuables. “(I) rammed him
with my wheelchair a couple of times and he took off runn-
ing,” Rhodes said. “He ran like a little girl. “It’s
pretty sick to do it to anybody, but to a person like me?
He just thought he could overpower me, but nope, I wasn’t
going to let him.”

——- Man wins $1,001,000 from 2 scratch tickets ——–

FALL RIVER, Mass. – A Massachusetts man won $1,000 and
$1 million dollars from two scratch-off lottery tickets
on the same day. Phillip Brunelle, 29, of Fall River,
said he was so excited about winning $1,000 on a scratch-
off ticket at a convenience store that he decided to
return to the store later to buy another $5 Money Mania
ticket, WCVB-TV, Boston, reported Monday. “I already won
$1,000, so I don’t know why I went back down. I guess I’m
greedy,” Brunelle said. He said he used his “lucky penny”
to uncover the $1 million prize on the second ticket,
which the Massachusetts State Lottery said players have
a 1 in 3 million chance of winning. Brunelle, a photo-
grapher, said he plans to use his money to open new
studios and help out his mother, who suffers from cerebral
palsy. “I’m going to try to help her out, get her a new
car or newer car, so she does not have to depend on every-
one else to do everything for her,” he said. “Without
her, I wouldn’t be here.”

————————————————————

Let Lewis take you on an UNCENSORED journey into the world
of the strange, the bizarre and the supernatural. Get The
Best of Bizarre News II Uncensored right here…F-R-E-E..
Bizarre Uncensored

————————————————————

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> READER COMMENTS <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I can’t believe that woman is gonna dole out honey that she
gathered after the bees were killed with pesticides. Does
she want to make her friends sick or worse? -Dirty Dianna
[Eh...you probably consume more poisonous chemicals just
from breathing the air during a 30 minute commute every day]

Aloha! Regarding ‘Stolen trailers contained $70,000 in beer’
Just imagine somewhere in Florida there is a University
School honors student congratulating himself for putting
together the best beer blast ever blissly fully unaware he
might be facing twenty years in prison. -Peace
[You can't have a great party without making a few, little
sacrifices.]

In North Korea and Iraq the goal was regime change. It was
quite effective at devastating the North Korean and Iraq
economy. Not buying from environmental catastrophe countries
works because it kills their production. There is no need
for any internal change on agreement on their part. -John
[Half the people in North Korea may be starving...but they
can still afford to build missiles.]

Lewis, I don’t think Fort Myers Beach Florida was very
friendly to the manager’s family. Thank you for spreading
the word that this town is only “family-friendly” to their
narrow version of what a family is. Sheesh next those
Floridians will be trying to tell us who we have to pick
as presisdent. Take care.
[Are you trying to suggest that the two women, the man and
the Shetland pony I'm married to in my polyamorous, multi-
species relationship would be frowned upon in Florida?]

—————— END OF READER COMMENTS ——————